Narcissists are masters at disguising abuse. And there’s good reason why.
Whilst narcissists want to use and abuse, they also don’t want to push people away. Because they need people around them to abuse, and give them attention. So they find clever ways to disguise their abuse.
Disguising abuse allows narcissists to dial it up, without pushing people away. Because people don’t know they’re being abused. In fact, they might even think the narcissist is trying to help them.
This allows narcissists to get the best of both worlds. They can use and abuse, whilst keeping people around them.
Here’s how narcissists disguise abuse…
Tough Love
Perhaps the most powerful method of hiding abuse is “tough love”. This is where narcissists are cruel in the name of “helping”.
Tough love allows narcissists to be hyper critical, cruel, and verbally abusive. Under the guise of “being cruel to be kind”.
Sadly this is a ruse. Narcissists have no intention of helping. Instead, they use tough love to justify verbal abuse.
Tough love allows narcissists to berate someone for being fat, stupid, useless, etc. Whilst claiming they’re trying to help them improve.
Please Watch The Following Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Treat Others Well
Narcissists notoriously treat casual acquaintances much better than their own loved ones. Which allows them to hide in pain sight.
Narcissists often gain a reputation for being helpful and kind. So outsiders naturally assume they must be even better with their loved ones.
This makes it difficult for people to believe the narcissist could be abusive. So they assume their loved ones must be exaggerating normal relationship problems.
Fake Outrage
Narcissists may hide abuse by waiting for you to do something which can be interpreted as immoral or disrespectful. Then go over board chastising you.
Narcissists may deliberately misinterpret things you said or did. Or put a negative spin on it, to make it seem worse.
Fake outrage allows narcissists to be abusive, whilst appearing to take the moral high ground. Because they can direct their anger at someone, under the guise of standing up for what’s right.
Sadly, this leaves their victims feeling responsible for the abuse the narcissist perpetrates. So they feel sorry for the trouble they think they caused. Which lets the narcissist get away with it.
Many narcissists used the Covid pandemic for fake outrage. They became hyper vigilant about people wearing masks and complying with the rules. Not because they cared. But because it gave them an excuse to direct their anger at people.
Other narcissists went the opposite route. And chastised people for complying with the rules. Calling them “sheep”, and other derogatory names.
Whilst these two approaches seem opposite ends of the spectrum, they share a common theme. Both used the pandemic to give people a hard time. Which is really what they wanted to achieve.
Blow Hot And Cold
Many narcissists disguise their abuse by cycling between blowing hot and cold. They may treat people badly for a while. But when they sense they’ve pushed them to their limit, they backtrack and treat them well.
This creates confusion, because the victim experiences vastly different versions of the narcissist. Plus they largely forget the bad times when the narcissist is playing nice. Because it feels so good, compared to previous treatment.
This lowers the bar. And gets people super appreciative of the most minor acts of care. Which may be seen as counteracting all the narcissistic abuse. Even though it pales into insignificance.
Play The Victim
Covert narcissists in particular hide abuse by playing the victim. They may create a façade where they’re poor downtrodden victims. Which allows them to hide in plain sight.
People don’t suspect poor victims are up to no good. Because there’s an assumption that victims must be good people, as we naturally root for the underdog.
So they may financially abuse people by repeatedly borrowing money without paying it back. Then spin a sob story about how they’re down on their luck.
Or they may snap at people for no reason. But get away with it, because they use mental health struggles as an excuse. Reversing the victim and offender roles.
Some narcissists paint a picture of having a poor or abusive childhood. To justify their abusive behaviours.
Playing the victim allows narcissists to establish themselves as the victim in every circumstance. Even when they’re the ones abusing or taking advantage of others. Which allows them to avoid accountability, and continue their abuse unchallenged.
Bad Advice
I don’t know about you, but I’ve received a lot of bad advice from narcissists. But at the time I assumed they meant well, but misunderstood my situation. Now I realise they were deliberately sabotaging me.
Narcissists hate seeing people do better than themselves. So they drag people down, to feel better about themselves. Even their loved ones.
Bad advice allows narcissists to create the impression they’re trying to help. Whilst actually sabotaging someone.
If the narcissist blatantly sabotaged people, no one would stick around. But because they present it as a clumsy attempt to help, people forgive them. And allow them to stay in their life.
Do Narcissists Know What They’re Doing? Please CLICK HERE!
Reactive Abuse
Narcissists commonly hide abuse, by using “reactive abuse”. This is where they repeatedly poke and wind someone up, until they eventually snap.
Narcissists may use subtle insults. Or mention things they know you’re sensitive about. Then repeat these digs until you finally break.
When you react, instead of apologising, the narcissist focusses on your reaction. Then points the finger of blame for this reaction, as if it was for no reason.
Narcissists ignore their provocations. Creating the impression that you’re the abuser, not them. Which they’re likely to bring up when you complain about their abusive ways.
Gaslight
Gaslighting is where someone deliberately distorts another persons sense of reality. They may deny things they said or did. Tell people they’re too sensitive if they complain about abuse. Or even deliberately hide things, then return them. So they think they’re losing their mind.
Gaslighting causes people to doubt their sanity, memory, and reality. So they no longer trust their own perceptions. Which makes them rely on the narcissists biased version of events.
Gaslighting allows narcissists to provide false narratives. Which paints them as the good guy, despite their narcissistic behaviours. But they may get away with it, if they can convince their victims not to trust their own perceptions.
Religion
Some narcissists use religion to hide abuse. For a start, religion allows them to hide in plain sight. Because people assume they must be good if they’re religious.
Religion also allows narcissists to berate others, if they don’t follow the religion to the letter. So they may adopt ridiculously strict interpretations of the religion. To give them a wide scope to scold others when they don’t comply.
Narcissists are often hypocritical with religion. They demand a far higher standard from others than they deliver themselves. Which shows they care more about using it to control others, than actually practising it.
Most narcissists talk a good game when it comes to religion. But when you observe how they act, there’s often huge contradictions.
Smear
Narcissists often worry that their partner might spill the beans after a relationship ends. Because they have less control over them. To combat this, some narcissists smear them, to reduce their credibility.
Narcissists paint a picture that their ex partner is crazy, unstable, or even an abuser. They may even project their own abusive ways onto their ex. Hoping this stops people believing them, should they reveal their behaviours behind closed doors.
Some narcissists are so vigilant, they pre-empt the relationship breaking down. So they smear their partners BEFORE the relationship ends. Just in case.
They may contact people claiming to be worried about their partners behaviours, or mental state. Or confide in people about alleged bad behaviours. Which implies they can’t be trusted.
The sad part is that smears can cause people to disbelieve narcissist victims. Which may compound the psychological damage of their abuse.
Please CLICK HERE For More Malignant Narcissist Characteristics
Final Thoughts
Disguising abuse allows narcissists to treat people badly, whilst hiding in plain sight. Which is arguably worse than blatant abuse. Because it keeps people around for more.
Many people say they had no idea how much abuse they experienced during narcissist relationships. They only realised once it was over.
This shows how effective narcissists are at disguising abuse. So don’t blame yourself for accepting it. You had no idea that people close to you could be so cruel and manipulative.
Instead, be happy you escaped. And if you haven’t yet, work towards it. Because as bad as things feel now, they may be worse in reality. But you may never know the full extent, until you break free.
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