Gaslighting is a subtle form of manipulation. It’s psychologically damaging, and it’s emotional abuse. Gaslighting is where the narcissist manipulates someone into doubting their sense of reality.

Once you doubt your sense of reality, the narcissist attempts to take charge of it. And provides their narrative. And of course their narrative is biased in their favour. This gives them power and control.

Gas lighters convince you that things are not what they seem. They might convince you that your friends don’t like you. Or something you clearly remember is wrong.

Victims of gaslighting are left anxious and walking on egg shells. Their confidence takes a beating because they don’t trust themselves. They’re unsure whether they can trust their own judgement.

Narcissist know that people anxious and lacking confidence are less able to stand up to them. And they know that if you doubt your own judgement, they have more opportunities for control and manipulation.

Here’s some ways narcissists gaslight to manipulate, control, and confuse…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Accuse You Of Having A Bad Memory

Narcissists often accuse others of having a bad memory. It’s an easy get out for their behaviour. They repeat these accusations over and over. And it’s easy to fall prey because of the repetition, and how sure they are.

Once you accept you have a bad memory, the narcissist has a go-to excuse for anything. “You know what your memory is like.” They can twist the facts and downright lie. Then claim you remembered things wrong.

Some narcissists do this to get themselves out of trouble or to justify their behaviour. Others do this deliberately, just to get you doubting your sense of reality.

It could be something simple like “We left the house at 7PM”. When you know damn well it was 8PM. But the narcissist says it so definite that you doubt yourself. And that’s what they want.

There might be no apparent benefit for misrepresenting events like this. Which makes it all the more convincing. “Why would they make that up?”

Once they have you doubting your memory, it’s a manipulation free-for-all. They can get away with almost anything. All they need to do is accuse you of false memories. Then tell you what REALLY happened.

Subtle Flirting

Some narcissists have a way of subtly flirting right in front of you. Even though you’re in a relationship with them.

Your gut says they’re flirting, but you can’t pinpoint what’s going on. And if you say anything, it’s YOU that’s wrong. YOU are being crazy and jealous.

The narcissist may be looking someone in the eyes longer than necessary. Standing closer to them than is normal. Or talking to them for longer than appropriate. It’s subtle stuff.

This can be really confusing. You feel jealous, but can’t understand why. So you may reason that you are in the wrong.

Once they convince you you’re irrationally jealous, they’re more likely to get away with having affairs. Or flirting more outrageously for attention. And because you doubt your own judgement, you don’t call them out on their behaviours.

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Get You Drunk

Some narcissists may accuse you of being a bad drunk. I’ve been on the receiving end of this one.

The morning after drinking, my ex would tell me how awful I was the night before. I knew this was not like me. But it was difficult to challenge, because my memory was impaired. So for a while I was confused why I would act this way. And naively accepted her version of events.

One night I was completely sober, whilst she was drunk. And she was constantly trying to pick arguments. The next day she again accused me of being horrible to her. She didn’t realise I was completely sober, so I remembered everything!

Narcissists know that when drinking they can give their version of events. And it’s difficult to argue when you’re memory was less than optimal.

“Just Joking”

Narcissists often use the stock phrase “just joking” to gaslight. And they use it in a couple of ways.

Most commonly, narcissists may insult you, using things they know you’re sensitive about. Then when you react, they backtrack, claiming they were just joking.

This takes the blame away from themselves, and puts in on you. Because according to them, it wasn’t what they said that was the issue. It was your reaction to it.

Narcissists may also use this stock phrase in other situations when people complain about things they said or did. For instance, they may pester you for something you don’t want to do. Then when you finally snap and call them out, they claim it was just a joke.

Narcissists may also use the phrase “just joking” to rewrite history. So when you bring anything up in the past that they did, they claim it was a joke. Then rely on you not remember it well enough to refute this.

Act Like They Don’t Understand

Narcissists may act like they don’t understand you. No matter how clearly you explain yourself.

This stops them discussing the things you bring up. And instead they go on a tangent about related but irrelevant things.

They hope you eventually get tired and confused, and give up. You may have heard politicians do this during interviews!

Claim They Don’t Remember

Narcissist may erase history by claiming they don’t remember something. Even though it was significant, and difficult to forget.

For instance, you may have paid for their holiday last year. But they claim they don’t remember you doing this.

Deny

Narcissists may gaslight by outright denying something. Even though it clearly happened. You may even have witnesses!

Narcissists know that if they stick doggedly to their denial, it leaves a small shred of doubt in your mind. And that’s often enough to get you doubting yourself, and them off the hook.

Outright Lying

A narcissist may look you in the eye and out right lie about something. And they do it with such conviction that you can’t help but doubt yourself.

A classic is lying about things said or done in the past. So they may, for example, claim you agreed to do them a favour. Or said you’d give them something.

Tell You How Rude You Are

You might come away from a social interaction thinking all went well. But the narcissist tells you how rude you were.

The narcissist may pick up on small things you said that could be perceived as rude, and inflate them. “Didn’t you notice how annoyed everyone looked when you said you didn’t like chicken?”

Once the narcissist convinces you you’re rude to others, you may clam up in social situations. Walking on egg shells, fearful of saying the wrong thing. And become the nervous shrinking violet they want you to be.

Make Out You Were Being Insulted

After what you think was a nice time with friends, the narcissist has a completely different take. They insist your friends were insulting you, or insulting them. And go into all the subtitles of who said what. And what they REALLY meant.

They bend things to make it seem like everyone was out to get you. Or them.

This is gaslighting to get you paranoid. And into the habit of reading too much into what people say. It may also encourage you to fall out with your friends or family.

Narcissists like to cause rifts to isolate you. With less people in your life, they’re more able to gaslight and manipulate you. Because you have fewer people to turn to for a reality check.

Narcissists Act Hot And Cold

Some narcissists gaslight by acting hot and cold. They’re friendly and super nice one minute, cold and distant the next.

This creates doubt in your mind, as you don’t know what to expect. You thought you were close, then all of a sudden things are uncertain.

Of course if you bring it up they deny it. And probably accuse you of being paranoid, crazy, or something similar.

The narcissist knows this gets you “walking on egg shells”. Not sure what to expect. And not sure if you’ve done something wrong to offend them. So you’re on the back foot, worrying about your behaviour. And they take control.

Accuse You of Being A Hypochondriac

Narcissists hate it when significant others are ill. This is because an ill person might need them. And that’s not how it works. You should be there for them.

To combat this, narcissists may accuse you of being a hypochondriac. Even though they might be “ill” ten times to your one.

They hope to convince you that you’re coming across as a hypochondriac. And keep any illness to yourself. And do what you’re supposed to do – look after them.

Wind You Up

Narcissists try different things until they find something that winds you up. For gaslighting purposes, it’s usually something subtle. Or something they pass off as a supposed “joke”.

Once they know what sets you off, they keep this logged firmly in their memory banks for future use.

The narcissist then deliberately winds you up. And when you react, they call you out for being angry. Or being sensitive. And you’re left confused, wondering why you reacted like you did.

The narcissist subtly pushed your buttons. Then blames you.

Narcissists Wait For You To Apologise

Another gaslighting tactic I’ve noticed is that some narcissists go quiet after an argument. Even if they were clearly at fault.

They go quiet because they know you want a resolution. So you approach them to break the ice.

They know you’re conscientious, and you’ll apologise to get things back on track. But the narcissist doesn’t apologise. This helps them give the appearance it was your fault.

Trivialising

Some narcissists gaslight by creating the impression that something is no big deal. Even though it is.

So you may catch them cheating, and they act like it was a minor mistake. Hoping to create confusion and doubt in your mind.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists develop many gaslighting tactics. They’re often subtle, which makes them even more confusing and disorientating. And gets you questioning your take on reality.

Your heart feels like you’ve done nothing wrong. But your head says you have.

Once they have you confused, they provide the narrative of events. Which gives them opportunity to skew things in their favour. And confuse and disorientate you some more.

If you feel you’re on the receiving end of gaslighting, there’s a few things you can do.

Stay in touch with trusted friends and family. And discuss things you’re unsure of, or find confusing. Let them give you a reality check. If you spend most of your time with the narcissist, it’s easy to be taken in by their version of reality.

Keep a diary or journal. Record unusual events. Things that bother you. Or things that make you feel uncomfortable or confused. Log them with dates and times. Then you have a record, which helps confirm what really happened.

Above all else, listen to your gut feelings. Narcissists try to separate you from your gut feelings. Because they know they keep you grounded, and often reveal the truth.

Almost everyone who comes out of a relationship with a narcissist regrets not listening to their gut feelings. Me included. That’s how important your intuition is. NEVER dismiss your gut feelings. Because they are usually there for a reason.

Please CLICK HERE For Common Narcissist Gaslighting Phrases

Narcissist Gaslighting Phrases