One of the most common questions people ask after being hurt by a narcissist is… Do narcissists know what they’re doing? Or is it subconscious?
People usually ask this because they find it difficult to believe that someone could deliberately treat a “loved one” so badly. So they search for answers.
People also want to know whether the narcissist relationship is worth saving. They often reason that if the bad treatment is deliberate, then the relationship is doomed. But if it’s accidental, then there may be hope. However this is the wrong way of looking at it, which I’ll address later in this article.
So, do narcissists know what they’re doing? Well the answer isn’t simple, and that’s why there’s confusion. Here’s what I think…
Please Watch The Following Video To Aid Your Understanding…
So, Do Narcissists Know What They’re Doing?
Yes and no! Both can be true at the same time…
What Narcissists Do Know…
Most narcissists are aware of their actions on a practical level. They know when they are…
- Lying
- Withholding affection
- Gaslighting
- Shifting blame
- Using charm to get what they want
If confronted, narcissists can often explain why they did something. But their explanations usually focus on justifying their actions, rather than accountability. Which shows they know they did something wrong. Otherwise they wouldn’t feel the need to justify it.
The narcissists awareness is also illustrated when they change their behaviour, depending on who’s around. So if a narcissist treats their partner badly at home, but like royalty in front of their family, then it’s clearly a conscious choice. Because if they didn’t know the treatment was wrong, then they wouldn’t hide it.
What Narcissists Don’t Fully Know…
Narcissists often lack emotional insight. So they may not truly understand…
- The depth of harm they cause
- Why their behaviour feels devastating to others
- Their own internal drivers of shame, fear, or deep insecurity
Narcissists lack emotional empathy. So they don’t feel for others. Empathic people automatically feel bad when they wrong others. There’s no conscious thought or effort required. It just happens.
But narcissist don’t have this mechanism. So it’s easier for them to treat people badly, and not think about it.
Narcissists also operate from a place of psychological survival. Their inner world is driven by avoiding shame. So instead of experiencing guilt, they experience threat.
So they often misinterpret peoples words and actions as more hostile than they really are. Which to them justifies dishing out abusive treatment. But they rarely bother to honestly reflect on whether their actions were right and appropriate.
Higher And Lower Functioning Narcissists
Just like with everyone else, narcissists intelligence levels vary. And so does their awareness.
Generally speaking, higher functioning narcissists are more aware of what they’re doing. Whereas lower functioning narcissists are less aware.
So a higher functioning narcissist is more likely to pick their battles. Because they don’t want to expose themselves as a narcissist. Making them more calculated in their approach.
Lower functioning narcissists are more impulsive. So they’re more likely to act blatantly bad, without giving it as much thought.
Intent vs. Impact
Does it matter that narcissists know what they’re doing? I’d say no. To me, a lack of emotional insight does not absolve them of responsibility.
A narcissist might not wake up thinking, “Today I will destroy someone.” But they often think, “I must win,” or “I must be admired,”.
If someone gets hurt in the process, then their pain is usually minimised, denied, or reframed as deserved. So the narcissist feels justified in how they treated them.
Narcissists choose to blindly justify their actions, and learn nothing. Rather than honestly ask themselves if what they did was wrong. And deep down they usually know the answer. But they often convince themselves they were right.
Why This Question Matters
People usually ask “Do narcissists know what they’re doing” because they’re searching for closure. In their minds, if the narcissist didn’t know, then maybe the pain wasn’t personal. If they did know, then maybe the relationship was a lie.
The uncomfortable truth is that narcissists can care about you at times AND repeatedly hurt you. They can believe their own narratives, while still benefiting from manipulation. That grey area is what keeps people stuck, hoping that one day the narcissist sees sense.
But look at it like this – if the narcissist convinced themselves they were right, who did the convincing?
Narcissists Lack Of Whole Object Relations
Narcissists are often all or nothing towards their partners. They can swing from adoring you one minute, to despising you the next.
In normal functioning relationships, we can be angry at our loved ones. But we still love them. So we keep things in perspective.
With narcissists, everything’s thrown out the window if they don’t like something you’ve done. And in the heat of the moment, they can genuinely hate you.
This may lead to punishment, which involves deliberate harm. Which, as you might suspect, the narcissist justifies. In their mind, you deserve it. Which is why they can act way over the top for minor “offences”, or even perceived wrongdoings.
The Question That Actually Helps
Instead of asking, “Do narcissists know what they’re doing?” A more empowering question is…
“Regardless of what they know, how is this affecting me?”
Because whether the harm is conscious or subconscious, the damage is still real. They drag you down, when a partner should lift you up. But you have no obligation to keep people in your life that are detrimental to you.
If the narcissist has problems, then it’s their responsibility to sort them. Not yours. And it’s certainly not your duty to accept abuse, just because they can’t manage their behaviours. They wouldn’t do that for you!
If you let the narcissist get away with abuse because “it’s not their fault”, then you can bet the house they’ll continue abusing you. Because to them it’s justified, plus they gain from it. So they have no reason to change.
Final Thoughts
Accepting narcissistic abuse because you believe they can’t help it is doing the narcissist a disservice in the long run. Because to them, you’re indirectly telling them that their behaviour is OK. So they have no motivation to change.
This means that not only will they feel entitled to treat you badly, but also other people.
Narcissists only change if they face consequences. So if people avoid them when they treat them badly, then they’re forced to change. Because narcissists need attention. However even then, this change is usually temporary, and based on YOU holding the boundaries strong.
Narcissists will continually test you. Then when they spot weakness, they return to type, and continue their abuse. So it becomes a life long battle holding them back.
The problem is that over time, things happen in life. And you may experience periods where you’re not at your strongest. It’s inevitable in the long run. Narcissists are likely to detect these moments, and exploit them.
Even if you’re successful, your relationship might still be doomed. Because the narcissist may not like not being able to abuse you. So they may decide to find a weaker target to replace you.
Someone who’ll accept their abuse. Because ultimately, narcissists see relationships as opportunities to exploit someone else. Not as mutually beneficial and loving arrangements.
Please CLICK HERE For How Narcissists Disguise Abuse
