Narcissists are all about power and control. They want to be powerful and omnipotent. In their ideal world, the narcissist walks tall in the lead, whilst their subordinates scurry behind.
Narcissists are acutely aware of “rankings”. If they walk into a room full of strangers, they immediately size everybody up. And figure who out ranks who. And where they fit in the hierarchy.
Most narcissists are smart enough to realise when someone is significantly more dominant than them. But that doesn’t stop them from aspiring to be the most dominant person in the room.
Narcissists harbour delusions of superiority. And they try their best to maintain their delusions by claiming as much power as they can. And kid themselves, and everybody else, how powerful they really are.
Here’s some of the ways narcissists establish power over others…
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Surround Themselves With Weaker People
Whilst some narcissists like a challenge, most like to surround themselves with less dominant people. Except when they want to associate with someone high ranking, so they can be important by association.
Narcissists like to feel powerful amongst less powerful people. And welcome people into their circle who they think they can dominate.
If someone turns out to be stronger than they thought, then expect them to be ousted. If that person was part of a group of friends, then the narcissist may smear them to the others, and play all sorts of tricks to banish them forever. This also serves as a warning to the rest of the group not to challenge their superiority.
Narcissists Suck Up To Powerful People
Narcissists know where their bread is buttered. And sometimes they suck up to powerful people. For instance their boss at work.
The narcissist tries to gain as much power as they can, by proxy. For instance in the work place, they’re well aware that people might tread carefully around them, through fear they might report things back to their best pal the boss.
The narcissist is happy to stroke the ego of powerful people in exchange for special treatment. Narcissists LOVE special treatment! And the narcissist likes to think they’re seen as an equal to that powerful person – at least amongst the subordinates. But sometimes the narcissist gets too big for their boots, and may attack the boss to usurp their position.
Narcissists don’t really do friendships. It’s more transactional. Narcissists look to gain as much as they can from every “friendship”, whilst giving as little as they possible. People need to be useful to the narcissist, otherwise they’re not interested. And they think nothing of turning against people who’ve helped them, once they’ve extracted everything they can. So they’ll happily tread on the boss that helped them, if they smell weakness.
Put Downs
Narcissists test what people will put up with by employing subtle put downs. They start off as light hearted “banter”. But gradually become more cutting, personal, and frequent.
If the narcissist pushes things too far, and gains a reaction, they usually claim they were joking. And may accuse the person of being too sensitive.
This creates confusion and doubt in the mind of the recipient. And it often leads to the narcissist breaking down their boundaries of what they’ll tolerate. Leading them to get away with more derogatory comments over time. Which establishes the narcissists power over them.
Narcissists De-Power Others
Narcissists are faced with two choices when they want more power. Either increase their own power, or decrease somebody else’s.
As I’ve already mentioned, narcissists often employ subtle and not-so-subtle put downs to de-power others. But they also have a wide variety of other techniques to de-power others.
Narcissists sometimes like to put people on the spot and embarrass them. Especially in front of a crowd. That way the narcissist gains power over the individual they embarrassed. Plus they increase their standing amongst the crowd who witnessed their show of power. (But depending on the people, they’re not always as impressed as the narcissist thinks they’ll be!)
The narcissist searches for a chink in the armour. And looks for something they can embarrass someone about. Once they find that thing, they remember it – forever! They know they have the power to repeat what they’ve said whenever they want to put that person in their place.
And the narcissist will use this as part of their punishment and reward tactics. Further increasing their power.
Punishment And Reward
Narcissists sometimes use punishment and reward to gain personal power. They use punishment to deter behaviours they don’t welcome, such as having the audacity to challenge their superiority. And rewards behaviours they want to encourage, such as obedience.
The punishments could be put downs, silent treatment, arguments. The rewards might be gifts, praise, etc.
Over time, the narcissist hopes to condition the person to act how they want them to act. Which is subservient to them.
Narcissists Seek Power Positions
Some narcissists look to gain positions of power in the work place. It might be in law enforcement, the medical field, management, and even the clergy.
Narcissists love telling people what to do. But they don’t like responsibility. So expect them to be that bossy leader who always blames everyone else when things go wrong. But takes all the credit when things go right!
Narcissists who work in power positions not only throw their weight around in the work place. They quickly let everyone know how important and powerful they when out of the workplace.
Bad Moods
When a narcissist is in a bad mood, EVERYBODY knows about it. The narcissist may be vocal about their grievances and displeasure. Or they may be eerily silent. Either way, they make it abundantly clear they’re in a bad mood.
This is designed to get everyone “walking on egg shells” around them. Worried they might anger the narcissist more.
The narcissist makes everyone feel uncomfortable. And people naturally want to rid themselves of this discomfort. So the solution is to pander to the narcissist’s whims. Placate them like a baby. Giving the narcissist ultimate power over everybody.
The narcissist may also use bad moods as a form of punishment, when they don’t get their way.
Body Language
Some narcissists use certain body language techniques to increase their personal power over others. A favourite seems to be a withering look, sometimes followed by an eye roll.
The narcissist usually wants to instil fear, rather than present themselves as approachable. Because they feel that fear increases their power. Which in some ways it does.
Talk Themselves Up
There’s a saying, “Self praise is no recommendation.” But narcissists don’t ascribe to this. They like to tell everyone how great they are.
And surprisingly, this often works for the narcissist. Some narcissists are more subtle than others when it comes to self promotion. But most find ways of making themselves out to be more intelligent, confident, and successful than they really are.
This causes people around them to feel inferior. Handing the power over to the narcissist.
Play The Victim
It may sound counter-intuitive, but narcissists like to gain power by playing the victim. In my experience, narcissists find ways of making others feel responsible for them. They play the pity card, and a well meaning friend picks up the pieces. The narcissist repeats this cycle, until the friend feels a duty to look after the narcissist.
The narcissist also uses many other tactics, such as punishment and reward, silent treatment etc. to bolster their victim status. And to further increase the expectation on the friend to rescue them in times of need. And there are MANY times of need!
If a narcissist wants attention, all they need to do is tell the friend they’re feeling depressed, suicidal, etc. And they come running. If they want cash, they cry poverty. Being a victim can be a great super power!
Final Thoughts
Narcissists need more power and control than most people. So they develop these and many other techniques to gain power. The narcissist may lift themselves up, or put others down. Or they might manipulate to get their own way. Depending on what’s the best tactic in the situation.
Covert narcissists tend to be more subtle with their power grabs. And more patient when waiting for the right moment. But their goals remain the same as overt narcissists. Grab as much power as you can, and de-power everyone else as much as you can. That way they can cling on to their delusions of superiority for a little while longer.
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