Most narcissists don’t really want a friend or a lover, they want a carer. Narcissists seek people who put their needs before their own. Come running when they beckon. And never burdens them with their own troubles.
This one-sidedness essentially means they’re looking for carers. Someone to look after them, without asking for anything in return.
Obviously a narcissist can’t ask someone to be their carer. Who’d agree to such a one-sided arrangement? So narcissists find ways of creating what they want. And positioning people as their carer.
Here’s how narcissists make people their carer…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Target Empathetic Caring People
Narcissists smell caring empaths a mile away, and they’re always on the lookout for more. Narcissists prey on these people, because they can give them so much.
Empathetic caring people put aside their needs to help others. They see the good in people. And help those less fortunate than themselves. Music to narcissists ears.
Narcissists know these people are easier to convince to become their carers. They naturally like to help, and don’t ask much in return. They don’t judge either. Allowing the narcissist to get away with their selfish behaviours.
Encourage You To Care For Them
Narcissists may get you on side by encouraging you to be their carer. Of course they can’t say “will you be my carer?”, because that would be weird – even for a narcissist. So they take a more subtle approach.
The narcissist may tell you how you remind them of their Mum, who was always there for them. Blah-blah-blah. Portraying you in this flattering light. Encouraging you to be the same.
The narcissist may heap lavish praise when you care for them. And cause trouble when you don’t. Applying the proverbial carrot and stick. Over time you learn that life’s more peaceful when you suck it up and provide them with care.
Dramatize Their Problems
Narcissists naturally dramatize their problems, blowing them out of proportion. They believe the world revolves around them. And anything bad they attract is the biggest travesty in the history of mankind.
Empathetic people hear their woes and are naturally moved. They want to help. They may not realise the narcissist exaggerates so much.
If the narcissist knows you’re a rescuer, they milk it for all it’s worth. Continually moving from one tragedy to the next. Always needing help. After a while it’s apparent there’s ALWAYS another problem lurking round the corner.
Minimise Your Problems
On the flip side, narcissists minimise your problems. Narcissists don’t waste their energy helping you. Regardless of what you’ve done for them. They’re not interested in paying back. And look to shut you down if ask anything of them.
They says things like “Yes, but I bet you don’t feel as bad as I do”, trumping your problems with theirs.
They may roll their eyes, accuse you of being a hypochondriac, say you’re negative, a wimp etc. Anything to stop you expressing your problems.
Eventually you learn it’s not worth approaching them with your troubles. So you stop. But they keep coming at you with theirs.
Expectation
Once you’ve cared for a narcissist a while, they foster an unspoken understanding that this is your role. Like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
In a strange way their self-entitlement normalises things. And it’s easy to get sucked in and accept your fate.
Caring for them somehow feels the way things are. But sometimes you’ve got to snap out of it, shake your head, and wonder what the hell you’re doing.
Play On Illnesses
A classic narcissist move is to play on illnesses. Either by exaggerating them, or faking them. Once they convince you they have health problems, they have a go-to excuse for you to care for them.
Narcissists often suffer with “invisible” illnesses. Such as bad backs, arthritis, etc. And these invisible illnesses may play up any time. And often at the most convenient times for them. And most inconvenient for you.
Ask For Help
Some narcissists aren’t shy about asking for help. And put you on the spot, making it tough to say no.
Narcissists develop tactics to make you feel like you can’t say no. They may play the pity card. Knowing you feel like a heartless monster saying no. Or be more forceful, pushing you on the back foot.
Narcissists know how to guilt you if you say no. Grinding you down for denying them what’s rightfully theirs. After a while it’s easy to get in the habit of saying yes, when you really want to say no.
Hint
Narcissists often drop not-so-subtle hints when they want something. They may complain they’ve no money till pay day. Can’t afford to get their car fixed. Have a huge dental bill etc.
The narcissist hopes your empathy kicks in, you feel bad, and help them out. They may tell you how wonderful you are and thank you profusely.
But really they’ve noted a tactic that works. Drop the hint, and you bite. And once the narcissist finds a tactic that works, they rinse and repeat.
If the narcissist was truly grateful, they’d return the favour. But frustratingly, your hints for help go unanswered.
Triangulation
Narcissists may persuade people to care for them by using triangulation. Triangulation is where they play two or more people off against each other.
The narcissist may talk enthusiastically about how well someone has cared for them. Implying you haven’t. Hoping you feel guilty and competitive, and up your game.
If a narcissist has two parents who are divorced, it’s a great opportunity to triangulate. The narcissist controls the narrative because they don’t speak to each other. And coaxes them to compete for who helps them the most. “Can’t believe dad bought me a car. He’s the greatest!”
Self Neglect
Some narcissists are naturally self neglecting. They can’t be bothered with the boring routines of cooking and cleaning. And often live in squalor.
Well meaning friends and family see their state, and feel bad for them. So they help the narcissist get “back on their feet”. But the narcissist doesn’t appreciate the gesture. They see the opportunity.
The narcissist happily neglects themselves, knowing someone will pick up the pieces. They don’t feel embarrassed or guilty that someone is scrubbing their kitchen floor. Just happy someone else is doing it.
So they continue with the self neglect, Knowing you care more about them than they do. Which puts them in a powerful position when it comes to acquiring your care.
Final Thoughts
Once a narcissist is dependant on you, it’s difficult to remove your support. Not only because of the expectation, but also the train wreck that’s round the corner.
Empathetic helpers know the narcissist derails if they withdraw support. And anticipates feeling guilty, witnessing their decent. Giving them what they think is little option but to continue caring for them.
Helping someone shouldn’t leave you frustrated, exhausted, and resentful. Even if they genuinely need you. And unless they have major health issues, they should never rely on you. And even then, it should be with your express agreement.
Remember, you’re NOT responsible for anyone’s well being but your own (and children obviously). Especially when they don’t help themselves, and don’t value you.
Narcissists take, without feeling obliged to pay back. Like throwing your energy into a black hole. Deep into the abyss. Sucked away, gone forever. Never to return.
Please CLICK HERE For Why Your Health Deteriorates Around A Narcissist
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This describes my last relationship to a tee. So many afflictions, procedures, doctor appointments (most at least a three-hour round trip), for years. After 7-1/2 years, I hoped maybe I’d carried him through to a point where he’d be able to share life again, help a bit, be a partner. Nope, he cried “fibromyalsia”, among a host of other things, became a pot head, sat in a chair stoned all day and watched me continue to be responsible for and do everything. When he realized I became wise to his phony act, didn’t care anymore and was done, he melted down in a stoned drunk and was taken away in handcuffs. It’s taken two years for me to restore my retirement funds. He’s found a new supply. Unbelievable. Friends have tried to warn her, but she’s not listening.
Yeh, they keep people on a hook by showing glimpses that things will be different “soon”. But of course that time never arrives!
I know this . Never ending and actually self induced ( munchausens syndrome) too . Invisible illnesses/ injuries / pain that miraculously disappeared after scan as of course they would come back normal . Knew they would hence never followed it up . Dental issues where I had to go because of pity party 101. Sat there shaking with pretend anxiety as had been victim of so many horrible people . When in fact they were the horrible one . Even when I had to go through a highly unpleasant prep before a procedure they had that too ( actually again given it to themselves ) always poor me , love me , save me . But was the nastiest most evil human I had ever come across . The smear campaign was beyond horrific . Literally accused me if everything they had done to me .
Utterly selfish . And no scan etc etc ever came back as abnormal . Soon as they were in A & E with all the drama that went with that after bloods etc etc wanted to leave ASAP. This is true folks . I actually am unwell . And have many afflictions WITH evidence to back it up . Never again . Only thing that is wrong with them is having a personality disorder. Even the psychiatric community is split over whether they can be classed as mentally ill or not .
It’s always at the most inconvenient times of when my own children needed something doing . Why I got discarded in cycles . I put kids first
Sometimes narcissists deliberately target the most inconvenient times. Like they want to cause the maximum disruption. This puts them more in the spotlight, because more people are inconvenienced.
Their “illnesses” may also flair up when someone else is ill, soon after. This is their way of re-establishing themselves as the poor victim. They literally get “ill” to take the spotlight back.
Hah! I can see why you put a link to one of your previous articles, “Why Your Health Deteriorates Around A Narcissist” at the end of this article. When you’ve been sucked in to become the narcissist’s carer, that’s when your health begins to deteriorate…and they don’t care, as long as they have a replacement lined up.
If one of those shifty characters tries to recruit me into that role, I might just ask, “What did your previous slave die of?”
Yep, and if they get their way, you end up caring about them more than yourself!
It’s okay in certain circumstances, if a friend or partner is going through a big challenge and needs extra care….except when it becomes a habit and they start trying to guilt-trip you into doing more and more for them.
The person I was thinking of had a strategy of “collecting” friends so that if one of them got fed-up or simply burnt-out, they’d have plenty of others in their circle of friends to fill the void. And if anyone didn’t allowed to be sucked in, they could expect an argument…in front of everyone. But giving in would have made me even more drained in the long term.