When you confront a narcissist about their lies, cheating, or behaviour, they rarely hold up their hands and admit a mistake. Instead they use a range of tactics they’ve developed over years to deflect blame.
These tactics are designed to confuse you, shift blame to you, and get them off the hook. Narcissists aren’t interested in doing the right thing for you, or for their conscience.
Here’s a run down of the common tactics narcissists use when confronted…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Attack You
Narcissists often play by the rule of “attack is the best form of defence”. So when you confront them, they may attack you. This can be startling, as it’s not expected.
They could attack you about something related. Or something nothing to do with what you brought up. It doesn’t matter. They attack and attack hard.
This is to put you on the back foot. Whilst you’re busy defending yourself, your original point has been forgotten. It muddies the water.
And it can be complete nonsense. When I confronted my ex about cheating, she immediately attacked me, demanding to know why I waited until 10PM to confront her!
If you confront a narcissist, stay focussed on what you’re confronting them about. And don’t let them shift the focus onto you.
Narcissist Denials
Narcissists may deny until the end of time. Even if you’ve clear evidence.
I’ve seen them deny taking money out of a purse. Even when they were caught red handed!
It’s frustrating, but they know if they continue to deny, there’s a small shred of doubt in your mind. And they play on this.
Narcissist Gaslighting
Narcissists might rewrite history to get themselves off the hook. They change the facts of things that happened. Even though you both know the truth. They do this to get you to doubt your sense of reality.
Once you doubt your sense of reality, they know they can get away with ANYTHING. And they’ll use this as their get out clause for everything. “You know you have a bad memory.”
If you spend a lot of time with them, and they do this a lot, it can cause psychological damage.
Provoke You
Narcissists know their significant others weak spots. Things they’re sensitive about. Narcissists spend a lot of time observing what sets you off. Because they know they can use this to their advantage.
When they know they’re wrong, they use things you’re sensitive about to provoke you. They bring up your issues to provoke you into getting angry. If you’re paranoid about you job, they’ll bring that up.
When you react angrily, they change the argument to be about your reaction. “Why did you call me that?!” And because you’re angry, it’s easy to lose focus.
Try to stay calm, and don’t react to their provocations. And keep in mind your original point.
Blame You
Narcissists are skilled at turning things they’ve done into YOUR fault. “You drove me to it.” They may even use twisted logic. They don’t care, as long as they can pass the blame on to you.
Narcissists sometimes try to gain a positive out of their negative behaviour. “I cheated on you because you didn’t love me enough.” That’s actually them demanding you love them MORE because of their crappy behaviour!
Play The Victim
Narcissists sometimes bring up things from their past as an excuse for their behaviour. They may be related, or completely unrelated. “You know I had a bad upbringing.”
If they’re female, they might turn on the water works. And blame themselves in an over-the-top way. They know most people feel sorry for them, and ease up. But they’re crocodile tears. Totally fake. Designed to get them off the hook.
Downplaying
Narcissists sometimes try to act like it’s no big deal. “Yeah, so what?” This can be confusing. And may get you to question whether you’re overreacting. And they know this.
My ex tried to act as if nothing had happened, the day after I confronted her about cheating. Hoping I’d act normal and let it slide. Yeah right!
Ask yourself, how would they react if you did the same thing to them. And would you feel justified in getting off the hook if you did it?
Final Thoughts
Narcissists often switch between these tactics until they find the one that works. I’ve watched them do this. And they’ll do it even if it means contradicting themselves. For instance they might deny that it ever happened, then blame you.
But how can they blame you for something that didn’t happen?! If you listen closely, they often slip up.
Stay calm and remain focussed on what you want to say. They don’t want a rational discussion. They want to turn it into a messy emotional argument. That way they’re less likely to be exposed. They don’t want to hear the cold hard facts.
It’s frustrating and draining. But if you avoid getting emotionally involved, it’s less draining. Keep calm, stay focused, and stick to your original point.
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Hi. Loved, loved these articles as I’m trudging through messy times trying to disconnect from my husband who I’ve been with 26yrs and have known for 31yrs. He’s now sick from years of drug abuse and needs drugs for present illnesses. It’s rough and I’m spool tired. Going for a physical tomorrow and have blood tests for damage done from constant mindfuckery all these years. Thanks for telling me what I intuitively figured out but never trusted my gut enough. Big lesson learned.
Hi Mimi. Thanks for your kind words. I’m so glad my articles help you. I found reading up on narcissism massively helped me make sense of my 12 year relationship with one. So I created this blog to pass what I’ve learned to others. I also intuitively knew something was off in my relationship, but I ignored my gut feelings. I think they’re good at getting people to do that.
I always thought the best out of people. And didn’t fully grasp that people could be so deliberately unkind and manipulative. Now I know differently! Like you say, lesson learned! I hope things work out out well for you. Keep learning and fighting back!
Ok interesting. I see how this is definitely me. And i definitely need to bring it up at my next session with my therapist. So where’s the article about how they make themselves think they’re good people at heart, but they just aren’t.
That’s not a bad idea for an article Stacy!
Yes indeed! My husband believes he’s such a good and devout Christian because he goes to church every Sunday. Never mind the walking back to the car 50 yards away from the children or I – or the rude ugly way he speaks to us immediately after church – it still amazes me how he totally misses the point
He probably thinks going to church trumps all of that Elda!