After receiving a text message from a narcissist, you may find your stomach churning and your heart racing. Leaving you feeling anxious and unsettled.

That’s because narcissist text messages aren’t straightforward. A simple looking message can contain guilt tripping, blame, manipulation, and provocation. They may also include attempts to pull you back into a relationship you were trying to escape.

The important thing to remember is that one manipulative text doesn’t prove someone is a narcissist. People can behave badly or communicate poorly without having narcissistic personality disorder. What matters is the repeated pattern of behaviour, and how that behaviour affects you.

Here’s 10 examples of narcissist text messages, and what they may be trying to accomplish…

“What are you doing?”

This question can get your stomach churning. Even if you don’t know why.

Asking what you’re doing is a clever control tactic. Because it sets you up to agree with what they want.

If you say “nothing”, then the narcissist interprets this as you’re free for them. Therefore you’re obliged to agree to anything they ask. And you’re not allowed to say you’re busy!

If you do say you’re busy, then they’re likely to ask what with. This usually opens up negotiation. What time do you have to be there? How long do you need to stay? Do you really need to go?

“Do you fancy going to…”

The narcissist may ask if you fancy going somewhere, even if you’ve never expressed an interest in that thing. You may even have said that you don’t like this thing. So why ask you?

It’s because most narcissists hate going places alone. They need validation, plus they want to appear popular. So they try to recruit people to do things with them. Even if that person has no interest in it.

This is OK sometimes. But you usually find that the narcissist never returns the favour. So you either do things they want to do, or nothing.

“Do you remember this day out?”

If a narcissist is trying to get on your good side, or hoover you back, then they may resort to nostalgia.

Narcissists consider your empathy a weakness to exploit. So they may send pictures or descriptions of past events. Hoping to trigger your emotions, to reel you back in.

This has happened to me a few times, and it usually makes me smile. Because I’m not the type that romanticises the past. But narcissists see my empathy and assume I am!

“Have you fallen out with me?”

If you’ve not been giving them enough attention, then they may claim they think you’ve fallen out with them. This is clever because to prove you haven’t, you must spend time with them.

You may have been keeping them arms length. Or just genuinely busy. But rather than say “Let me know when you’re free”, the narcissist tries to force the issue by making you a problem.

The narcissist may also question whether you’ve fallen out with them if you’ve not been responding quick enough to their texts. This is another control tactic, because it implies you mustn’t like them if you don;t reply immediately.

“You know exactly what you did.”

This is particularly frustrating because it gives no useful information. You may find yourself desperately trying to work out what you’re guilty of. You might send several messages asking “What did I do?”.

This can pull you into a lengthy argument where the accusations keep changing. They’re usually vague, and the goalposts keep moving.

If someone has a genuine issue, then they should explain what the issue is. Or what’s the point?

The point is usually to push you on to the back foot. You probably haven’t done anything wrong, or they’d be quick to articulate it. Instead they say this to get you walking on egg shells for something you’ve not even done.

“Why are you ghosting me?”

If you’ve stopped responding, then this message may be an attempt to re-establish communication. It implies you’re at fault for “ghosting” them. Which is a toxic thing to do to someone. But you’re not ghosting them.

Ghosting is where you remove contact to punish someone. You’re not doing that. You’re protecting your peace by keeping away. That’s a completely different motivation.

What you’re doing is going no contact, not ghosting. And it’s important to fully understand the difference, so narcissists can’t use this to manipulate you…

Please CLICK HERE For The Differences Between Ghosting And No Contact

“Can we talk? I promise things will be different.”

This is a common type of message during a hoover. The promise may be genuine. Or it may be another attempt to reopen the door.

If you’ve experienced a repeated cycle of promises followed by repeated behaviour, then judge the situation by the pattern, not the last message. Real change is demonstrated by consistent behaviour over a period of time.

“I know you’re talking about me.”

This can be an attempt to provoke you into defending yourself. You might immediately start explaining…

“I’m not talking about you!”

Then another accusation appears. Before long, you’re trapped in a conversation you never wanted to have. Remember, you don’t have to defend yourself against every accusation someone makes.

Narcissist do this because to them, even negative attention is better than none. So they may deliberately cause an argument, just to get you responding.

“You’ll regret this.”

This type of message can be threatening, intimidating, or designed to make you doubt your decision. It can leave you imagining everything that could go wrong if you continue without them.

Try to distinguish between a genuine warning and attempts to frighten you into changing your mind. If a message contains threats or makes you feel unsafe, then take it seriously and consider getting the appropriate support.

“Fine. I’ll never bother you again.”

This can sound like a genuine attempt to respect your wishes. Sometimes it is. But in a manipulative dynamic, it can also be a way of provoking reassurance from you…

“No, that’s not what I meant. Please don’t disappear.”

If you’ve asked for space, you don’t have to chase them when they dramatically announce that they’re leaving. Let the trash take itself out!

How To Respond To Narcissist Text Messages

The most important thing is that you don’t have to respond immediately. When you’re emotionally triggered, it’s easier to get pulled into an argument. Before replying, ask yourself…

• What does this message actually require from me?
• Am I being asked a genuine question?
• Am I being pressured to defend myself?
• Have I already explained my position?
• Will responding improve the situation?
• Am I replying because I want to, or because I feel guilty?

Sometimes the healthiest response is a short, neutral message. For example…

“I’m not going to discuss this any more.”

Or…

“I’ve explained my position, and I’m not changing my decision.”

Or, when appropriate…

“Please only contact me about matters concerning the children.”

You don’t have to write a five paragraph explanation every time someone challenges your boundary. The less information you give, the less there is to argue against.

Please CLICK HERE For How To Maintain Boundaries Against Narcissists

What If You’re Trying To Go No Contact?

If you’ve decided to go no contact, repeated texting can make it much harder. You may receive messages designed to make you angry, guilty, curious, nostalgic, or worried. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you should respond.

Consider muting or blocking the number if it’s safe and appropriate to do so. If you need to maintain contact because you share children, or other responsibilities, then you may need to keep communication open. Instead, try to make it brief, factual and focused on practical matters.

The goal isn’t to win the argument. It’s to stop being pulled into the cycle.

Please CLICK HERE For The Right Way To No Contact Narcissists

Look At The Pattern

It’s important not to diagnose someone based on a handful of texts. What matters is the broader pattern. Does this person repeatedly…

• blame you for their behaviour?
• refuse to accept responsibility?
• dismiss your feelings?
• punish you for setting boundaries?
• provoke you into arguments?
• pressure you to respond?
• use guilt to get what they want?
• repeatedly promise to change without changing?
• turn every disagreement into an attack on your character?

If these behaviours keep happening, then the relationship is unhealthy. Regardless of whether they meet the clinical criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.

Final Thoughts

Narcissist text messages are powerful because they trigger emotions that keep unhealthy relationships going. These are guilt, fear, anger, hope, curiosity and self doubt.

Text messages let narcissists infiltrate your world. Because they can send them any time, any day, with minimal effort. And they know when you’ve read it.

Just remember, you don’t have to answer every message. Your phone is for your convenience, not theirs. You don’t have to defend every accusation. And you don’t have to keep explaining boundaries to someone who chooses to ignore them.

You have every right to keep someone arms length, or even block them. It’s your life, and you can choose who has access to it.

Sometimes the most powerful response to a manipulative text message isn’t a better argument. It’s no response at all.

Please CLICK HERE For How To Block Narcissists Without Feeling Guilty

How To Block Narcissists Without Feeling Guilty