Cognitive dissonance happens when you experience something that contradicts your core beliefs. Causing you to hold two conflicting views at the same time.

People feel uncomfortable and confused during cognitive dissonance, because we seek unity with our thoughts. So we look to relieve this tension in many ways. Such as by ignoring it, rationalising it, or making excuses.

Cognitive dissonance happens often, but at a lower level. You may for example believe in the importance of regular exercise. But you wake up and can’t be bothered going to the gym. So you rationalise that it’s important to get rest.

However narcissists cause cognitive dissonance to unhealthy levels. Which can cause you to mistrust your own perceptions. Much like gaslighting.

It’s important to learn about cognitive dissonance if you want to heal from the effects of narcissists. Because it can harm you psychologically. But luckily the effects can be reversed once you recognise it. Because things start to make sense. Allowing you to trust your perceptions again.

Here’s the common ways narcissists cause cognitive dissonance…

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Loves You – Loves You Not

Narcissists often tell their partners how great they are. And how much they mean to them. Especially during the early love bombing phase of a relationship. But their actions don’t match their words.

The narcissist may stand you up last minute, when a friend wants to hang out. Ignore you when you speak. And act cold and indifferent towards you.

On the one hand the narcissist says you’re loved. But their actions say the opposite.

This creates cognitive dissonance – confusion. Because you feel both loved and unloved at the same time. Which obviously doesn’t make sense.

To relieve this tension, many people make excuses for the narcissist. They may convince themselves that the narcissist loves them, but doesn’t know how to express it. Or they may conclude they’re being paranoid, and misinterpreting their ways.

But nagging doubts persist. No matter how you try to resolve them. Leaving you feeling confused and bewildered.

Playing The Victim

Narcissists often play the victim to get what they want. They know it plays your empathy against you. Because when you feel sorry for them, you’re more likely to give them what they want to placate them.

Narcissists also victimise people. Then create the impression that they’re the victim. For example they may claim your behaviour drove them to do what they did. Or they may blame their poor upbringing.

This is of course highly confusing. Because although you didn’t do anything wrong, and the narcissist may have even wronged you, you still feel guilty.

Unpredictable

Narcissists often behave in unpredictable ways that confuse their loved ones. So you might do something today they’re fine with. But another day they have a major problem with it.

For example, they may enjoy a rare steak one day. Then another, complain it’s undercooked. Even though it was the same.

Or they may compliment your new jumper one day. Then another, tell you how awful it looks.

This creates confusion and doubt. Because you can never be sure you’re doing the right thing.

Tell You How Wrong Cheating Is

Many narcissists talk at length about how bad it is to cheat. Like they have a real bee in their bonnet about it. And because of this, it’s easy to assume they’re the least likely person to have an affair.

However they may flirt right in front of you. And have numerous “friends” that have a crush on them. And engage in suspicious behaviours, such as arriving home late. With stories that don’t add up.

This confusion often causes their partners to turn a blind eye to their infidelities. And make excuses for their suspicious behaviours. Because it’s difficult to accept that someone could be so against infidelity. Yet still do it.

However these nagging doubts linger. And it’s easy to question your perceptions, thoughts and feelings. Because it seems far fetched to think that someone so close might be leading a double life.

Complain You Talk Too Much

Narcissists like to dominate conversations. And if they don’t hold at least 80% of the conversational floor, then they’re not happy.

To aid their quest for monologuing supremacy, they often accuse others of talking too much. Even when they barely get a word in edgeways.

This has a profound affect on their partners. Particularly if they’re conscientious. Because it’s natural to listen to our loved ones concerns. And even if they feel that they don’t talk too much, they reason that there must be some truth in it.

Subtle Insults

Narcissists often use subtle insults to put people down. And if they get away with it, they usually increase the intensity and frequency of these insults.

Eventually people bite back. But rather than hold their hands up and apologise, narcissists usually backtrack and claim they were joking. And also accuse that person of being too sensitive.

This creates cognitive dissonance, because the narcissists intention is to insult, and you feel this. But they swear blind that they were joking. Leaving your head thinking one thing, but your heart another.

Narcissists And Religion

Some narcissists hide behind a façade of religion. And convince everyone that they’re deeply religious. When really they don’t care one jot.

They may even become heavily involved in local religious institutions. Getting involved in fund raising and other activities. Just to look good.

The narcissist understands that being “religious” gets them many perks. It hides their narcissism, and people trust them. Which opens many doors.

Narcissists can also push their religious beliefs onto others. And use them to control, belittle, and abuse.

However the narcissist still displays behaviours that contradict their supposed religious beliefs. They may be cruel, lie, and cheat on their partners. And may not practice their religious rites, unless there’s an audience to witness it.

This creates cognitive dissonance to those around them. Because they consider them religious. But don’t see this reflected in their behaviour. And something doesn’t feel right. But often they can’t put their finger on it.

Narcissist Virtue Signalling

Narcissists virtue signal in many ways. Then contradict them with their actions.

They may talk about how they’re an animal lover. Yet neglect their own pets. How important their kids are. Yet never have time for them.

Narcissists love telling people how wonderful, caring, and empathetic they are. Then show the complete opposite with their actions.

These virtue signals cause cognitive dissonance to those around them. Because narcissist are good at talking the talk. But don’t walk the walk.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists are walking-talking contradictions. And say one thing, yet do the opposite.

This isn’t normal behaviour. And it confuses those around them, because they assume the narcissist is neuro-typical in their thinking. So they try to rationalise the narcissists’ inconsistencies. Or make excuses for them.

People who spend a lot of time with narcissists are obviously exposed to this the most. And can be left mistrusting their own thoughts and perceptions. Because things don’t make sense… Except they do.

Narcissists are manipulative, and always on the look out for unfair advantages. And they’re happy doing this with “loved ones”. Which is hard for most of us to take.

My advice is watch what narcissists do, rather than listen to what they say. And if their words don’t match their actions, trust your observations and your gut feelings. Because actions speak louder than words. And patterns of behaviour are more revealing. Particularly when they think no one’s watching.

Once you learn what narcissists are like, then cognitive dissonance fades away. Because you realise that most of their life is a lie. Who they are on the inside is not the same as who they present on the outside. And once you understand this, things start to make sense.

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20 Things Narcissists Say, And What They REALLY Mean