A common characteristic of narcissists is a significant disconnect between their words and actions. Their words don’t match their actions.

They may express caring or understanding, but their behaviours often contradict these statements. This inconsistency can manifest in various ways, including making promises they don’t keep, denying their actions, or blaming others for their behaviour. 

Narcissists may say or imply one thing, but act in total contradiction. But if you call them out, they either deny it. Or find ways to convince you it’s your imagination.

Narcissists are expert manipulators. And spend most of their lives pulling the wool over peoples eyes. So they’re well practised, and many are highly skilled. So they often get away with their hypocrisies.

But even if you don’t consciously notice, most people feel something’s “off”. And this causes cognitive dissonance, where you’re thrown into confusion. Your head says one thing, but your heart say another. I’ll explain more about this later.

Years of confusion harms your mental health. Because you incorrectly learn that you can’t trust your gut feelings. Creating doubt, reduced self esteem, and anxiety.

To empower you, I’ll discuss the common instances where narcissists actions don’t match their words. Then you can better make sense of what they’re up to. And why you feel the way you do.

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I love You

The classic inconsistency is where narcissists tell you they love you. Poetically pouring their heart out about how you’re the centre of their universe. And how life isn’t worth living when you’re not around.

Then they stand you up last minute when a friend calls them.

This naturally creates confusion. How can they tell you how great you are, then treat you this way? It doesn’t make sense.

Of course the narcissist talks their way out of it, arguing they’re allowed to see friends. And may accuse you of jealousy. And because your feelings don’t make sense, it’s easy to concede they’re right. Causing you to suppress these feelings in the future. But the confusion still lingers on.

This leaves their partners in a strange and unhealthy paradox. Feeling loved and unloved at the same time. Their head say they’re loved, because of the nice things the narcissist says. But their heart feels shattered, because of the way they’re treated. Leaving them unsettled in the relationship, but with no concrete reason to leave.

The fact is, they don’t love you. Not in a traditional sense. They may love being around you. And love the things you do for them. But they don’t love you where they think about your needs above their own. In fact they barely think about your needs at all. Their lack of empathy prevents them from ever truly loving and connecting. So they may say all the right things, but their actions paint a different picture.

Religion

Some narcissists talk a good game when it comes to religion. They may preach to their family about following religious rules. And some go as far as helping out at religious institutions, gaining respect in their local community. Yet they act in complete defiance to the religion.

They may cheat on their partner. Treat their family like cr*p. Drink too much. Yet still act high and mighty, demanding others obey the religion.

This is because the narcissist is attracted to the usefulness of religion, rather than the religion itself. Their heart is not truly in it.

The narcissist knows that religion is a great tool for controlling and manipulating others. They can find or make up religious passages that imply you should do things they want you to do. And guilt people into compliance. Religion can also be used to hide in plain sight.

Narcissists know that religious people are seen as moral and decent. So if they play the religious act, people trust them. And presume they’re a good person. Allowing them to manipulate and use people more easily.

My Children Are My World

Some narcissists chime on about how their children mean the world to them. Then treat them like an afterthought. They may say the right things, but don’t demonstrate it with their actions.

The clue to their thinking is that they feel the need to declare the importance of their children. If they really thought this, it wouldn’t need saying. Because it would be obvious and automatic. Rather like walking around telling people the Sun exists. You wouldn’t do it because you know it’s there.

The narcissist may not wish harm on their children. But because they’re so self absorbed, they don’t truly care. They don’t spend quality time with them, and they don’t anticipate their needs. They’re too focussed on themselves.

I Despise Cheaters

Some narcissists talk badly about people who cheat on their partners. Like they’re the lowest of the low. Then abracadabra, they’re caught doing exactly the same thing.

Narcissists criticise cheaters to create a smokescreen. If they convince their partners they’re dead against it, they’re less likely to suspect them. Even in the face of evidence. Who would spend years saying they despise something, only to do it themselves?! Despising cheaters also provides narcissists a get out clause.

If they’re caught, the narcissist may maintain their stance on despising cheaters. Then blame their partners for driving them to it. Suggesting their partners acts (or omissions) were so bad, they drove a saint like them to cheat. Turning the tables, making their partners guilty for THEIR cheating.

Speaking from experience, it’s a huge shock when you discover your narcissist partner is cheating when they claimed they hated cheaters. Memories of all the things they said against cheaters come flooding back. Leaving you realising they lived a lie for years.

I Don’t Like Your Jealousy

Some narcissists routinely criticise their partners for being jealous. And that would be fine, but the jealousy is often deliberately caused by the narcissist.

Most narcissists secretly love their partners being jealous. It shows (in their mind) your devotion to them. And it gives them control. Because they can wind you up with their provocative behaviours whenever they want a reaction.

The narcissist may subtly flirt in front of you. Where you can’t quite call them out for their behaviour. Or “innocently” make new friends with members of the opposite sex. Then talk about them non stop. If you react, they blame your jealousy, rather than reflect on their behaviours.

Narcissists can be subtle with their provocations. Leaving you wondering why you feel so jealous, when you’ve never had this problem in previous relationships. Your head may say things are fine, but your heart knows something’s amiss.

Final Thoughts

In a nutshell, narcissists live a lie. They know it’s easier to talk about morals and being a good person, than actually living it. And most of what you see on the surface isn’t reflected inside.

Most narcissists learn how to fake being normally functioning adults. They learn the right things to say. And how they should act in certain situations.

But they struggle sustaining this act indefinitely. Because it’s not who they are. And if you spend a lot of time with them, you’re bound to see glimpses of the darkness that lurks within.

It’s shocking to discover the person you thought you knew, isn’t who you thought they were. Which causes some victims to go into denial, blaming their own perceptions. Or accepting fault.

Always remember, watch what people do, rather than listen to what they say. Talk is cheap. It’s easy to talk the talk. But consistently walking the walk speaks volumes.

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