The odd thing about narcissists is they can abuse you without you knowing it. Or perhaps more accurately, without you acknowledging it. Many people I’ve talked to hadn’t realised the level of abuse they were experiencing until the relationship was over. Me included.
There’s a number of reasons for this. Narcissists gradually turn up the heat over time. Making it difficult to notice their abuse. Narcissists can also make their abuse seem trivial, like you’re overreacting. They’re also experts at gaslighting, denial, and blame shifting. And can make their abuse seem like your fault. Or normal relationship problems.
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, then your intuition may tell you that something’s not right. But it can be hard to put your finger on it.
Here’s some of the signs to look out for to see whether you’re suffering from narcissistic abuse, or whether you have in the past…
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You Live In Hope They Improve
A big red flag is when you live in hope the narcissist will mature and improve. And you take the attitude that you’ll ride things out until this happens.
Your mind regularly leaps to the future, envisioning them settling down and becoming the decent human being you desperately crave them to be.
This is your mind taking a positive attitude towards someone not being right NOW. Because you focus on potential, rather than their present state. This shows that the person isn’t right for you. And there’s no guarantees they ever will be.
Narcissists play on their potential. And deliberately show flashes of “normality” to keep you hooked. Knowing you’ll hang on through the “tough times”, preying they come good in the end.
But narcissists have no intention of changing. They’re happy with the way things are. And the longer you stick with them, the more time you invest. And the harder it is to walk away.
Gorge On Crumbs
Because you live in hope they’ll improve, you grab hold of anything remotely nice they do as proof they’re maturing. And things other people take for granted in relationships can seem like a big deal.
When you’re starved of niceties, run-of-the-mill actions seem like huge romantic gestures. And this can fool you into thinking things are better than they are.
Someone making you a cup of tea should not be a big deal. But if you consistently get nothing, then it is. And can be misinterpreted as you being treated well.
Make Excuses For Them
Narcissists are masters of deflection and blame shifting. And when you confront them, nothing’s ever their fault.
If they don’t spin things round and blame you, then they blame outside influences. They’re stressed at work. Their last partner treated them badly. They had a bad childhood. Etc.
Narcissists spew out excuses for their behaviours, rather than take responsibility. And it’s easy to be drawn in, because they’re masters at deflecting blame.
The narcissist wants to continue treating you badly. And hopes their excuses give them a free pass.
Remember, we ALL have problems. No one had a perfect upbringing. And EVERYONE gets stressed from time to time. But we must still take responsibility for our actions. Abuse should never be excused.
A Bad Drunk
Another common excuse people make for narcissists is that they’re a bad drunk. This is all well and good if they drink occasionally. But many narcissists get drunk all the time.
If you think about it, this excuse doesn’t wash. If they’re a nice person, but a bad drunk, then this nice person shouldn’t drink. Why would you choose to unleash this nasty person onto you and your family – and so often?
Narcissists choose to drink for a variety of reasons. And one is to serve as an excuse for their behaviours. Yes, they know what they’re doing.
Narcissists know they can relax when drinking, and unleash their narcissistic behaviours. And alls forgiven in the morning, because allegedly it was the drink talking.
Narcissists often keep their partners accepting their abuse by using alcohol. They blame their drinking on stress, a bad childhood, or whatever. Then use their drinking as an excuse to treat their partners badly. And this often gets them a free pass for their abusive behaviours.
You Worry About Triggering Them
If you’re in a healthy relationship, then you shouldn’t be constantly worrying about triggering your partner.
Narcissists like people walking on egg shells around them. It gives them control, and makes them feel powerful.
Narcissists do this by blowing hot and cold. Something they laugh about one day may cause a narcissistic rage the next. And this can be worse than them being nasty all the time, because you don’t know what to expect.
This keeps their partners in a constant state of anxiety. Not sure what will set them off next. And this is psychologically abusive. Even when they’re being nice, you’re still on edge. Anticipating a blow up at any moment.
You Keep Many Things To Yourself
If you’re experiencing narcissistic abuse, then it’s common to keep many things to yourself. Yes we all have private things we keep within our relationships. But not to this extent.
The narcissist may encourage you to not talk to others about your relationship. Saying you should come to them if you have a problem. But when you do, you get nowhere. You’re usually met with denials, shifting the blame to you, and aggression.
And if you say things in public that the narcissist doesn’t like, they might employ micro aggressions. Such as subtle glances. Letting you know you’re in trouble later, when no one’s around.
So you can’t go to them. And you can’t talk to others. That means shut up, take their abuse, and carry on.
The narcissist isn’t interested in sorting things in-house. They just want your silence. And they may talk about loyalty to the relationship to persuade you to keep schtum.
The narcissist doesn’t want you talking about things, because an outsider might give you insight into the abuse you’re suffering. And it’s game over for the narcissist. But if things were OK, then they’d have nothing to hide.
Your Gut Tells You Something’s Not Right
A BIG clue you’re experiencing narcissistic abuse is if your gut tells you something’s not right. Narcissists often talk a good game when it comes to relationships. But don’t walk the walk.
This naturally confuses their partners. They hear sweet utterances about being soul mates and kindred spirits, yet the narcissist acts the total opposite of this.
Intuitively you know something’s not right. But narcissists finds ways to make you ignore your gut feelings. Usually by denials, blame shifting and gaslighting.
Remember, actions speak louder than words. Anyone can say “I love you.” But can they consistently act like they do?
You Feel Tired All The Time
Narcissists aim to take as much as they can, whilst giving as little as possible. And years of this is draining.
Narcissists usually pass most of their responsibilities to their partners. And expect their partners to be there for them – all the time. But the narcissist doesn’t want to listen to your problems. And doesn’t want to do anything for you, unless they have to.
So you end up being responsible for two adults. One of which is more challenging than your average grown up. Plus other responsibilities such as children, bills, house work etc.
Some narcissists deliberately fatigue their partners. And may for example wake them when they’re sleeping. Or persuade them to have late nights when they know they have an early start the next day.
Narcissists know a tired person is easier to dominate. And easier to confuse and exploit.
You Never Feel Good Enough
Narcissists have many ways of making you feel like you’re not good enough. They may directly criticise you. Or find more subtle ways, such as indirect put downs, sarcastic “jokes”, and use of body language.
Narcissists are skilled at finding things to put you down about. If you like to talk, then you talk too much. If you’re quiet, then you’re boring. If you’re a high earner, then you’re money orientated. If you’re a low earner, you’re a loser. You can’t win.
Narcissists want you to feel like you don’t deserve them. Then you put up with their abuse, believing that’s all you deserve. And try harder to please them.
Always Feel Like You’ve Done Something Wrong
When in an abusive relationship, you may constantly feel like you’ve done something wrong. That’s often because the narcissist regularly moves the goal posts. And puts you in double binds where you can’t do right.
For example they may leave a half eaten sandwich on the side all day. If you don’t throw it away, you’re useless in the home. If you do throw it away then you’re inconsiderate for throwing away their dinner.
Abusive narcissists like to put their partners in “double binds” where they’re in the wrong, no matter what they do. Then they’re on the back foot, feeling guilty. And eager to please the narcissist.
Health Issues
People experiencing narcissistic abuse often suffer with health issues they never did before. And even if the narcissist isn’t physically abusive, the mental abuse takes its toll.
Flight or fight hormones such as cortisol may be running most of the time due to stress. And the build up of this causes many health issues in the long term.
This is exacerbated by neglecting your own health. Narcissists often demand so much time and energy from their partners, that they don’t have time for their own health. Meaning issues are left untreated, allowing them to worsen over time.
Their partners may lose or gain weight. They may suffer with insomnia, stomach pains, psoriasis, anxiety, and depression.
Often these health issues reduce once the relationship is over. Showing it was the result of narcissistic abuse.
Final Thoughts
When in a relationship with a narcissist, it can be difficult to acknowledge the abuse you’re suffering. And just because the abuse is psychological, doesn’t mean it’s not damaging. Or morally wrong.
Those closest to you are most able to damage you psychologically. These are people you’re supposed to trust. And they’re the people you spend the most of your time with.
Narcissists often abuse their positions of trust. But empathetic people find it hard to accept that supposed “loved ones” would do this.
This causes them to ignore the abuse. Accept the narcissists blame shifting. And make excuses for them. Which allows them to continue the abuse for long periods of time. Causing untold damage.
As the saying goes, “Love doesn’t hurt. Loving the wrong person does.”
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That line about the half eaten sandwich is spot on. My husband left cherry pits on his side table and because I didn’t clean them up he put them on the floor this past weekend. I used to react to the abuse and about 6 months ago I just quit. This man is such a liar that I just can’t warrant a response to him anymore. As far as I am concerned he isn’t even worth the scum on the bottom of my shoe.
When pushed enough we can give up and not care any more. That’s what happened to me too!
Thank you Jon, for the education. It’s helping. 🙏💙
Thanks Scarlett, I’m so glad to help!