Although less than 1% of the population are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, studies show far more actually have it. Over 6%, which is about 1 in 15 people.
Therefore there’s lots of undiagnosed narcissists. And it’s likely that many people are married to narcissists, without knowing it.
Some narcissists are more difficult to spot than others. As they’re not all loud and braggadocios. And some narcissists are better at covering their tracks. Especially covert narcissists.
However, narcissists can only fake so much. And their true self bubbles to the surface. Especially around those they spend the most time with. So if you’re married to a narcissist, you will see signs.
Here’s some signs to look out for, if you suspect you’re married to a narcissist…
Please Watch The Following Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Narcissists Public And Private Personas Are Poles Apart
We all act differently, depending on who’s around. But narcissists take this to extremes. And their private persona at home is often vastly different to their public persona.
Typically, narcissists bend over backwards to help neighbours and casual acquaintances. And are considered one of the nicest people they could wish to meet. Yet at home, they’re cold and uncaring. And won’t lift a finger to help anyone.
Narcissists want to be admired. Because it bolsters their fragile self esteem. And it re-enforces their delusions of superiority.
Winning over new “fans” is the narcissists prime concern. Not pleasing their loved ones. Because pleasing loved ones is boring. They want fresh new “fans”, as this gives them more of a boost of narcissistic supply.
So if everyone tells you how wonderful your partner is, and you know the truth is FAR from it, then you could be married to a narcissist.
Narcissists Switch Moods At The Drop Of A Hat
Another sign your partner is a narcissist is if they dramatically switch moods at the drop of a hat. The classic example is when they’re in a foul mood at home. Then someone knocks on the door or phones them, and their mood lifts immediately.
Whilst most of us make the effort in this scenario, narcissists can switch to vastly different moods, instantly. With no gradual warming up or cooling down. And that’s because they often fake their emotions.
Narcissists typically “decide” what mood they’re in, based on who’s around, and what they want to achieve. Rather than how they honestly feel.
So they may be in a “foul mood” to punish you. Or to push you on the back foot to control you. But they’re not necessarily in a genuine bad mood.
So the narcissist may be “moody” all day – to achieve their objective. Then a neighbour knocks on the door, and they’re instantly all smiles and jokes. Because they’d rather please the neighbour, than continue aggravating you.
Then once they leave, they may immediately switch back to their foul mood. Unless they forget, which does sometimes happen!
Narcissists Make Everything About Them
Narcissists make everything about them. Particularly amongst close family.
They may talk for hours about their job. Or regale you with stories from their youth. And when you change the subject, they quickly change it back to themselves. They may even accuse you of dominating the conversation. Even though you barely said anything.
If you go to the narcissist with a problem, they’re quick to tell you theirs. And of course, their problems are always bigger than yours.
Another clue is that they rarely ask anything about you. Such as how your day has been. Or how work’s going. Because frankly, they’re too focussed on themselves.
If you have an ongoing issue, such as a health problem, then the narcissist might get competitive. And create their own problem, that are worse than yours. Just to keep the focus on themselves.
So if the narcissist always has a “problem” when you do. Or they accuse you of being a hypochondriac or drama queen, even though you rarely have issues, then they could be a narcissist.
They’re Blatantly Hypercritical
Narcissists are often hypercritical to mammoth proportions. And may impose rules onto others that they don’t follow themselves. Or criticise behaviours that they do.
Narcissists are so self absorbed and delusional, they don’t see how hypocritical they are. Because they’re so focussed on their own needs and wants. And this can make you wonder whether there’s something wrong with your own perceptions.
For instance, a narcissist may complain about other drivers speeding. Then drive like a maniac 5 minutes later. Or they may complain about their parents neglecting them. Then do exactly the same with their own children.
If you point out their hypocrisies, narcissists either find convoluted ways of justifying them. Or they get angry, and refuse to discuss it. Whereas someone with normally functioning empathy would be willing to listen. And may hold their hand up, and admit to some bias.
Narcissists Don’t Listen
Narcissists are notoriously bad listeners. And they expect to do most of the talking. While you passively listen.
When you try to interject, they may accuse you of butting in. Even though they’ve had space for 10 minute monologues.
Narcissists may also completely blank you when you ask them a question. And offer no response at all. Because they want to put you in your place. And they want to stop you thinking you have a right to speak.
You may also notice their eyes glaze over when you talk. And you can tell they’re thinking of what to say next. Rather than listening to what you’re. And they may fob you off with generic answers, which show no sign they actually heard you.
Narcissists Hate Being Alone
Most narcissists are needy when it comes to attention. And hate spending even an hour alone.
So they may persistently text or call when you’re at work, or out with friends. Follow you round the house. And pester you to spend time with them.
If you leaving them alone, they may become disruptive, to sabotage your plans. Such as causing arguments before you leave. Or they may desperately reach out to their friends to spend time with them, in your absence. Anything to avoid being alone.
Everything’s A Competition
Narcissists are notoriously bad winners, and bad losers. And almost everything is a competition.
A family board game may result in the board being flipped over if they lose. Or incessant gloating if they win.
If they work, the narcissist may talk for hours about how bad their colleagues are. Implying they’re superior.
If you or even your children achieve something, then the narcissist may tear it down. And criticise it. Rather than give praise. Because they can’t handle someone being “better” than them.
Narcissists struggle to hand out compliments. Because they expect all the plaudits to go to them. And they feel uncomfortable when others take the spotlight.
Final Thoughts
These are just a few tell-tale signs someone’s a narcissist. But don’t rigidly diagnose someone with them.
We’re all capable of these behaviours from time to time. Because we’re complicated creatures, living complicated lives. And sometimes we can act out of character. The difference with narcissists is that they display these behaviours more strongly, and more persistently than the norm. And they’re not really out of character.
However, don’t focus too much on diagnosis. Rather, ask yourself if your life is better with them, or without them. Because narcissist or not, if someone’s detrimental to your life, then you should think long and hard about letting them go.
Your life should be better with someone who genuinely loves you, and wants the best for you. So if your life is worse, then it’s likely they don’t have your best interests at heart. And why allow that in your life?
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