Many narcissists compartmentalise people in their lives. Some like to separate their friends from their family. Their partners from their work colleagues. And everyone else in their life.
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, then you might find that you don’t meet many people in their life. You may hear the odd tale about how they care for their Mum. Or how great they are at their job. But you rarely meet people who verify these things. (There’s a clue where we’re going here!)
And you may notice that if you bump into these people, the narcissist acts like a cat on a hot tin roof. They’re fidgety and nervous. What’s going on? Why is the narcissist hiding you from people they know?
Here’s a few reasons why narcissists compartmentalise their lives. And why they hide their partners from people they know…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
To Hide Inconsistencies
OK, I’m being polite. It’s to hide their lies! Or exaggerations. Narcissists are often “economical” with the truth. It might be something minor, such as exaggerating past achievements. Or something more sinister and manipulative.
It’s difficult to keep exaggerations and mistruths under wraps if different people talk to each other. Because different versions of “reality” may collide with a bang.
A narcissist might for example tell their new partner how they spend so much time looking after their Mum. Wanting to look good and impress. But when they both bump into the narcissists family, they scold the narcissist for not visiting her. Creating a jaw droppingly awkward moment!
Or they might play the victim to their friends, crying poverty until they lend them money. Then play the rich successful person with you. Flashing the cash they desperately “need”.
Different people getting together can reveal gross inconsistencies in the narcissists tales. And narcissists HATE their masks being lifted.
Switching Characters
Narcissists can dramatically change, depending on who’s round and what they want. Yes we all might act a little differently in front of our friends than we do our parents. But narcissists do this to the extreme.
Narcissists operate under different facades for different people. They might want to portray themselves as a “ladies man” to their friends. But conservative and religious to their partners or family.
Keeping people apart helps them lead these multiple lives. And helps them get the best of these differing worlds.
They might be the diligent family man at work to impress their boss. The most carefree drinker amongst their friends. And a religious fanatic to control their partner.
Narcissists don’t know who they are. They’re a blank canvas. And they’re prepared to paint different pictures to get what they want.
They Might Be Having An Affair Or Planning One
When having an affair, it’s obviously important not to slip up and reveal what you’re up to. And most narcissists are skilful at covering their tracks. But the same can’t always be said for other people in their life.
Even if the narcissist gets people on board with their deceit, problems can easily arise. They might for example say to the narcissist they haven’t seen them in ages. When the narcissist claims to see them every Thursday night. Hmm… what are they REALLY up to every Thursday?
Narcissists can’t fully control others to keep their secrets. But they CAN maintain control by keeping you away from them.
YOU Are The Affair!
Flipping things round, a narcissist might be hiding you because YOU are the affair. Some narcissists lead double lives. And may have two or more partners that think they’re the narcissists number one.
Narcissists typically have their relationships in different locations. So they can hit the town without fear of being caught.
It’s bold and risky. Which is why they may be reluctant to let you into their lives too deeply. The less you know, the less likely you are to find out.
Keep Old Supply Dangling
The narcissist may not actually be having an affair, but might want to keep their old supply on a string. Narcissists like to keep their options open. So if they portray themselves as single, their ex might think they’re in with a shot.
The narcissist of course exploits this situation. They might want an ego boost, and encourage their ex to beg them to return. Or they might want an option to fall back on, should things fall foul with you.
Narcissists are rarely done with someone when they split up. They like to keep them on the back burner in case they’re useful in the future. They might want a favour, such as a loan. Or a shoulder to cry on if they want some attention.
Portraying themselves as single, helps create the illusion they’re available. And in their mind keeps their ex’s salivating after them. Eager to please, and do what they’re told.
Your Training Is Not Complete
A narcissist may hide you from the people they know whilst they’re training you to fit in with their delusions. They may for example pretend they’re wealthier than they are. So they must train you to keep up their pretence.
They may tell you how important it is to appear wealthy. Because it helps them in their line of work. And only once you tow this line will they unveil you to the people ion their lives.
Or you might not act subservient enough for their liking. As they like to appear more alpha than they are. So they work on bringing you down a peg or two before they show you to their friends.
Devaluing You
Once the initial honeymoon period is over, narcissists typically devalue their partners. They find ways of putting them down. And make them feel worthless, and beneath them.
Isolating you from everyone they know sends a subtle but powerful signal. You’re not good enough to be included in their “exclusive club”.
They may expect you to stay at home and wait for if they decide to turn up. Leaving you in limbo, wondering what they’re up to. It’s disrespectful, and damaging to your self esteem. And that’s their intention.
Frightened Someone Might Steal You
In the eyes of a narcissist, the world is a cold and cruel place. The law of the jungle, and survival of the fittest reign supreme. But this mindset comes with a price.
Narcissists naturally think that everybody is the same as them. Causing some to worry that someone may steal you away. And laugh in their face. Which explains some of their controlling behaviours.
Keeping you isolated and away from everyone they know, and sometimes everyone you know too, helps alleviate their anxieties. They’d lock you away if they could. Your welfare is not at the forefront of their minds.
Triangulation
Narcissists also like to hide people so they can use triangulation tactics. This is where they play two or more people off against each other. And because they don’t meet, the narcissist controls the narrative between them.
If they want to put you down, they might tell you their friends think they could do better when shown your picture. The narcissists of course says they don’t think this is true. But the seed is planted. And they escape responsibility for the put down because hey, don’t shoot the messenger.
Keeping people apart offers many triangulation opportunities for the narcissist. They might tell you how generous and kind their friends are. Hoping to make you jealous and raise your game, giving them more. Or how mean people are to them, playing the victim for sympathy.
Final Thoughts
If you’re in a relationship and someone who persistently refuses to let you meet their friends or family, then it’s a huge red flag. It suggests they have something to hide. And usually it’s something that’s not good for you.
Someone with nothing to hide can relax and be transparent. They don’t tell different people completely different things. And they certainly don’t have totally different personas.
The reason they hide you could be one or more of these reasons. It’s wrong and it’s unhealthy. And if it’s happening to you, run away and hide from them.
Please SHARE And Sign Up To My Newsletter. Sharing Pictures Of Fluffy Animals Is Nice. Sharing Info On Narcissism Is Life Changing!
Please CLICK HERE For How Narcissists Get Away With Affairs
Or Scroll Down For My Most Popular Posts (Mobile)…
Everything you pointed out is so very true. Last narcissist had nothing good to say about his parents and sister. He introduced me to them early on to show me off perhaps. I was a catch really — (attractive, great career, lots of wonderful friends, and close relationships with family.
He wore his mask well and had explanations and stories to tell in the beginning. As time passed, now unemployed, and several health issues later that I was caregiver for, his mask began to crack and fall off. His reality and true character slowly became evident boosted by antidepressants, lots of pot, and finally, alcohol. He’d burned through a good portion of my retirement nest egg I’d set aside for travel, began isolating me from friends and family, had excuses for leaving early and not going with me to social functions, or he’d attend and say the gathering was “just the guys” only to find out later that wives and significant others, also friends of mine, were there. Hmm. Red flags were flying all around me.
I began reigning him in on spending (all my money, of course) and saying “no” to ridiculous, insensitive and disrespectful demands. When he said he was going to move out, I responded, “Okay, whatever.” Yes, I was done. Whoa. No surprise to you, I’m sure, and not to me now that I’ve become informed about narcissism. Anyway, he blew up, a toxic tantrum: vile language and name calling, and lots of broken stuff. I avoided interacting with him. Hours later fully under the influence of mind altering substances, the actual fear he may physically harm me (gun), I called the police. He had a previous record. They saw the damage, spoke to us separately, and away he went handcuffed and locked up for a month.
Two years later (last week), he appeared at my house with the same behavior, violating conditions of his probation. He’s back in jail. His current supply, an empathetic lady, and a couple remaining friends are trying to see who, what and how they can help him. I’ve had long visits with one of his friends who helped him last time and with his daughter. Had I known his history and mental deficiencies in the beginning, he never would have been a part of my life. Here’s hoping he will never reappear … end of story … ?
I think you were supposed to beg him to stay Maureen! Yeh, the anger will be his feelings of loss of control over you. And he’s trying to re-establish control over you by turning up with the same behaviour. Hopefully he’ll now realise it’s not worth the hassle trying to control you. Well done for making your stand!
This honestly is the best explanation I’ve ever read. Ever word is true from my own personal experience. Thank you kindly for taking the time to articulate this so clearly to help others.
Thanks for your kind words Tara!