Despite the lies, control, and manipulation, some people stay married to narcissists for years. Those that have never experienced a narcissist relationship naturally scratch their head in wonder. But there ARE reasons why people stay with narcissists.
Narcissists use a number of tactics to treat their partners badly, but keep them around. Here’s why so many people stay married to narcissists…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Narcissists “Love Bomb” At The Beginning
At the start of a relationship, narcissists typically “love bomb”. This is where they act kind, considerate, charming, and entertaining.
They often fake mutual interests. And show a great interest in learning more about you. In a nutshell they pretend to be the person they sense you want them to be.
This causes the person to fall for them, hook line and sinker. They feel they’ve met “the one”, and are head over heels in love.
Dependency And Isolation
Narcissists often control their new partners by creating dependency. There’s several ways they do this…
They might persuade them to quit their jobs. Once they’ve quit their job, they solely rely on their narcissist for money. The narcissist then uses this to their advantage. Money is a great tool for punishment and reward. And they use it to encourage and discourage certain behaviours. Also a person out of work has a smaller circle of friends.
Narcissists sometimes find excuses to move to another area. And persuade partners to come with. They do this to isolate. With no friends or family nearby, the narcissist knows their partner becomes more dependant on them. The narcissist becomes their world. And that’s how they like it.
If they don’t move them away, the narcissists may spend so much time with them, they have little time for their friends and family. This causes them to drift apart from their loved ones, creating a greater need for the narcissist.
The narcissist may also stir trouble between their partners and their friends and families. Causing them to fall out and drift apart.
Narcissists Gradually Let Out Their True Selves
Once a narcissist feels you’re hooked, they slowly drop the nice act. They test you with subtle put downs. If you don’t react, they up the ante. If you do react, they accuse you of being too sensitive. Or claim they were joking. This causes confusion, and many doubt their own judgement. Especially if they’re isolated. They have nobody to reality check with.
If the narcissist takes things too far and you threaten to leave, the narcissist returns to love bombing for a while. The nice act returns, and they blame outside factors such as stress or depression for their behaviour. You naturally forgive them, happy to return to the “good old times”. But inevitably, they gradually return to their controlling, manipulative, and sarcastic ways.
Over time they get you used to their abusive ways. And justify them. When you’re isolated, it’s easy to get dragged into considering this “normal”.
Narcissists Gradually Chip Away At Your Self Esteem
Through months and years, narcissists gradually wear you down into accepting more of their put downs and criticisms. This slowly erodes your self esteem. Depression and anxiety is common for partners of narcissists.
Narcissists have a knack of subtly putting you down, so you barely notice. It’s often subtle enough for them to deny it, causing you to doubt yourself.
Even if you do notice it, with your self esteem in tatters, you feel this is the treatment you deserve. And you accept more of their bad behaviour.
Narcissist Intimidation
Some narcissists use intimidation to control their partners. And their partners can be too frightened to call them out on their crappy behaviours. And too frightened to leave them.
Narcissists commonly use indirect threats they can deny later. For example “God help you if you dare leave me.” They make it clear that SOMETHING will happen if you leave them. But perhaps more chillingly, they don’t say what it is.
Start To Look Worse
Unfortunately, because of years of toxic behaviour, the looks of partners of narcissists deteriorate. This further erodes their confidence. And they’re often left feeling they can’t attract anyone else.
The narcissist may tell them how lucky they are they stick around. “I could get so much better than you.” With their looks and confidence shot, they learn to accept their fate.
Narcissists Throw You The Odd Bone
Narcissists aren’t stupid. They know they can’t be mean ALL the time. So they throw the odd compliment or kind gesture every now and then. This keeps you from leaving.
And because you’re so starved of kindness and affection, you devour the odd morsel thrown your way. And believe you must have a good relationship.
Through years of learning about you, the narcissist knows how far they can push things. Far enough to control and get the most out of you, but not so far that you’ll leave. They find the “sweet spot”, which unfortunately isn’t so sweet for you. Unhappy, but not quite enough reason to leave them.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists are expert manipulators. They have a life time of practice. They learn how to reel you in. How to push your buttons. And how to manipulate you to get their way.
They learn how far they can push you, without quite pushing you away. And if you do leave them, they know how to win you back. They will say whatever it takes. Narcissist are comfortable looking you in the eye and lying through their teeth.
Narcissists spend years grooming, controlling, and manipulating. They often don’t quite give a good enough reason to leave, even though you’re desperately unhappy. They’re expert at leaving you dangling by the thinnest of threads. Your confidence in tatters, not quite sure what’s going on.
If you’ve been with a narcissist a long time, or know someone that has, cut yourself or them some slack. Narcissist play so many mind games to keep their partners confused and off balance, it’s difficult to know what’s going on.
It’s natural to assume your partner has your best interests at heart. Because that’s what anyone with empathy does. But narcissists are different. They use tactics and manipulations to extract as much as they can. Whilst giving away as little as possible.
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