Narcissists are notorious game players. Whilst you’re innocently going about your day, they’re plotting and planning.
Narcissists main aim in life is to secure themselves narcissistic supply. And as much as possible. This might be attention, money, compliments, being the best, etc. Anything that builds them up. And whilst most of us like to have these things from time to time, narcissists need them almost ALL the time.
So narcissists are more ruthless and tenacious when it comes to gaining supply. And this can be the cause of many narcissist games.
Over the years, I’ve noticed many games narcissists play. Here’s a run down of the most common narcissist games I’ve noticed. Feel free to add more in the comments at the end…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Ghosting And Silent Treatment
I’ve been lucky enough to largely avoid this, but many narcissist like to ghost or use the silent treatment. The narcissist knows that these are statements of hostility. But they’re confusing for the recipient.
The person on the receiving end cannot discuss the problem, because they’re being ignored. So they must stew and wonder what they’ve done wrong, and how they can remedy the situation.
This can be a great source of worry and anxiety. And this is what the narcissist wants. If they wanted a solution, they’d talk to you. But they’d rather make you feel nervous and on edge.
The narcissist knows they can back track on their silent hostility if they need you on side. Most people are eager to end the hostilities. And the narcissist knows they have the power to end it when THEY want.
Ghosting and silent treatment are easy to back track from because they didn’t actually accuse you of anything. So they can put their silence down to having a bad day, or any other number of excuses.
Narcissists Expect You To Mind Read
Many narcissists like to play the game of expecting you to mind read. For example a narcissist I once knew decided to fall out with me because, according to her, I should have contacted her more than I did on the anniversary of her fathers death.
Her father had been dead for over 15 years, and she never asked me to contact her to make sure she was OK. And even though I did message her twice during the day, apparently this was not enough.
She wanted to create the situation where I felt I’d done her wrong. And to get me to “up my game” when it comes to considering her needs. So I’d constantly worry if I’d neglected her in some obscure way. This is fairly standard narcissist stuff.
The ironic thing was that both my parents died much more recently than her father, and I never received any acknowledgement from her when their anniversaries came up!
Blaming You For Anything They Can
A lot of narcissists like to blame their significant others for as much as they can. Part of the motivation is for similar reasons why they expect people to mind read. They want you thinking you’ve done wrong. Then you’re left feeling guilty. And are more controllable because you want to make amends.
Narcissists also know that if they can make you feel guilty, they have ammo to throw at you should you ever call them out on their behaviours. Many narcissists are experts at making you feel as bad, if not worse, than them. Even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
Narcissists Withhold Sex And Affection
Narcissists understand that gold is precious because it’s rare. Water and air are not considered precious, even though they’re more vital to our survival. That’s because they’re abundant and easy to get hold of.
Narcissists usually consider themselves a highly prized asset. So to meet their delusions, they promote themselves as special by rationing themselves out. Which is one reason why many ration sex and affection. Some even ration their time, and disappear for weeks, then suddenly reappear again.
Narcissists know that if they don’t give you enough of what you need, you pine for more. Which can easily be misinterpreted by your brain as pining for them.
The narcissist can then enjoy the luxury of tossing you a bone every now and then, as a reward for behaviours they want to encourage. And most people hungrily devour the scraps.
Triangulation
Narcissists LOVE a good triangulation every now and then. This is where they play two people off against each other. Usually these people don’t have much contact with each other, so the narcissists controls the narrative between them.
The classic situation is where the narcissists has two lovers. They might have a regular partner and a bit on the side. The narcissist might cry to their affair about how badly their partner treats them. And their affair has no way of verifying their claims. This gains sympathy from their affair, and serves as an explanation for why they’re cheating.
Another situation could be where the narcissist plays two friends off against each other. They might show off how kind and generous their other friend is, to make the other jealous. They hope to get their friends competing against each other in the generosity stakes. Then sit back and reap the rewards.
Sly Digs
Many narcissists love playing the game of putting people down in sly ways. It’s often dressed up as banter, but there’s one subtle difference.
With the banter, the point is to make a funny joke that you both laugh at. But with their sly digs, they want to put you down to make you feel bad. And you can usually find proof this way…
Ask them to stop saying that particular thing, and explain politely why it hurts your feelings. A well meaning person who respects your feelings will stop saying it. A narcissist will usually continue saying it in the future. And may accuse you of being too sensitive or a cry baby.
They know it hurts your feelings and they still say it. What does that tell you?
Narcissists Blow Hot And Cold
Many narcissists use the tactics of blowing hot and cold, for no apparent reason. And this has a profound effect on their target.
When someone is nice one minute, then nasty the next, it puts you on edge. And walking on egg shells. Because even when they’re nice, your mind anticipates a sudden switch to nasty at any moment.
Narcissists sense the anxiety they cause. And if that person seems to be getting a bit too cocky for their own good, then the narcissist may shoot them down with another bout of nastiness. All designed to keep you in your place, which is beneath them.
If the narcissist senses they’ve pushed you too far, then they may back track. And treat you nice for a while. Unless the narcissist has other options, they probably don’t want to lose you. So they act nice for a while to get you back on side. But this doesn’t last forever.
Provoke Jealousy
I received a lot of this during my marriage! In a romantic relationship, narcissists may befriend someone who could be a potential lover. Or they might talk at length about a new person a work. Or even flirt right in front of you (See next section!)
In this situation the narcissist WANTS you to feel jealous. And they want you to complain. Then they can criticise you for being jealous, which serves two purposes.
You being jealous is a great compliment, which boosts their self esteem. The narcissist can bask in the glory of what they perceive as two people fighting over them.
Also, once the narcissist has established you’re a jealous person, they can get away with more flirting and bad behaviour. Because any objections will be met with accusations of you being jealous. It’s YOUR fault, not theirs.
Subtle Flirting
A real head game many narcissists play is to flirt subtly, right in front of their partners. And because it’s subtle, their partner is left confused, wondering if they’re flirting or not. Of course the narcissist denies this, and often accuses their partners of being jealous.
There’s many ways narcissists flirt in front of their partner. They might stand slightly closer to the person than normal convention dictates. Or gaze into their eyes a split second longer than normal. This leaves their partners feeling threatened and confused. You know they’re flirting, but can’t quite put your finger on how.
I find it useful to flip things around. Would you feel comfortable acting like they’re doing? Would you expect them to be annoyed if you behaved like them?
One-Upmanship
Narcissists absolutely want to be the best. If you’ve built a lean-to, then they’ve built a lean three. Even covert narcissists want to be the best, although they usually hide this better.
Narcissists differ in what’s important to them. Some care more about money and material things, whereas others care more about being attractive and desirable. And in the areas they care about, they’re often fiercely competitive.
Many narcissists look at what those around them have, and expect more. Not because they’ve done more to deserve it. But because they feel special by birth right.
Many narcissists get themselves into debt, just to appear more successful than they really are. Or live with younger trophy partners, who bleed them dry and don’t really love them. Narcissists often focus more on appearing to be successful than they do on actually being a success.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is where the narcissist gets someone questioning their own take on reality. It may be deliberate, or as a consequence of their defensive behaviours.
The narcissist may for example deliberately move objects and deny they’ve done this. And try to convince their partner they’re losing their mind.
Or the narcissist may deny they did something that you clearly saw. Their intention may be to get themselves off the hook. But repetition of this can lead some people to question their sanity.
Narcissists know that if they can get you doubting your take on reality, then you will trust theirs more than your own. And they can deliver you a biased take on what’s going on. All at your cost, and their gain.
Playing The Victim
Playing the victim is a favourite past time for many narcissists. It’s because playing the victim has many benefits.
If a narcissist can make you feel sorry for them, they can usually gain favours from you. Who wouldn’t help a down trodden friend?
But the problem with many narcissists is that they can become perpetual victims. Where they always seem to have a major problem. And always need your assistance in some way. After a while this can become very tiring. Especially when they totally ignore or dismiss your problems.
Final Thoughts
If you learn the mind games that narcissists play, you’re more equipped to deal with them. Sometimes just an awareness is enough to reduce the psychological impact. Especially when you suss their gaslighting antics.
Narcissists are gamey because they usually have a lot of hidden agendas. So they must devise underhanded ways to get what they want. Because they know that an honest discussion won’t give them the unfair advantage they require.
Narcissists don’t want equal and fair relationships. They want to dominate and take more than they give. Which means they must play the games to secure the biggest slice of the pie.
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I’m a veteran of The Silent Treatment. This relative used it on the other family members and by the time I was approaching my teens, she deemed me to be big enough to take it. But I’d seen the pattern already even before that. She’d “get in a huff” with one relative for about a few weeks or even month depending on the severity of the offense but, when she was over it, she’d act as if nothing had happened and expect the one who’d been ostracized to do the same. I also learnt that the silent treatment was a reprise from being lectured, criticized, guilt-tripped (at least verbally; the fact that I’d offended her enough to be given the silent treatment was supposed to make me feel guilty). She even pretended nothing was happening when I was in the shower and was visited by a huntsman spider, though my screams could be heard throughout the entire house.
Fast forward to adulthood and it still doesn’t phase me. But another thing I observed is that people who use that tactic tend to be have a very strong need to have a feeling of belonging with others and they assume (at first) that it will hurt their victim just as much as it would hurt them. Any narcissist worth their salt would change their tack once they realized that particular mind game wasn’t working. That’s why they need to have a lot of weapons in their arsenal.
Putting a live huntsman spider on my head or dropping it down my blouse would have a more satisfying outcome for a narcissist. Let the fun begin!
There’s always mind games going on! Yes, people often reveal their own fears through what they use to attack others with.
That’s true, and it takes someone with a very calculated, manipulative mind-set (such as a narcissist) to decide, “Well, that didn’t work, I’ll try different method. Maybe that’ll get to him/her.” For me that would be the opposite of the silent treatment. When two of my work colleagues had an altercation, the instigator stormed into the room where I was working and loudly abused the woman sitting in the cubicle next to me, I could feel my stress levels and heart rate go straight through the roof, as well as a beginning of a headache, even though she didn’t say anything to me. It was a high-pitched, screamy, fishwife voice, something I’ll never forget. As an introvert, silence is easy for me to deal with, but raised voices? Not so much.