Guest Post By Chrissy Snow
It’s always quizzical for an outsider who doesn’t understand words like “trauma bonding” and “cognitive dissonance” to understand why their friend or loved one dates or is married to someone who treats them so poorly. The one who is the “Victim” – I do not like using this word because it makes the one receiving abuse from a narcissist seem weak, which we are anything but.
Quite the contrary we are strong, loving, compassionate and have a high threshold for pain and taking care of ourselves. But let me say this, as you go forward in your relationship with a narcissist, you will become exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. And you will start a maddening game with yourself due to being gaslit into believing you are the one making the relationship difficult (because you want to set healthy boundaries.) So from my point of view this is what it will look like once you are in the heart of a narcissistic relationship.
Please Check Out The Following Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
You know the term running hot and cold? Well, get ready for ice and fire, non-stop and for no reason. One day your narc thinks you are the best thing, the light of their life. They will tell you they are so lucky they have you in their life. The following day, and for possibly no reason you can understand, the narcissist will not contact you.
You think they got busy, but you reach out and get no response. You let it go and try again an hour later. Voicemail.
You send a text and get nothing. Panic starts to set in. “Did I do something wrong, did I say something upsetting?” Now you are scrambling, maybe even crying.
You go to bed a mess, the next morning you get a two-word response to a text that you sent asking him if everything is ok. “Fine.” One-word answers. What is happening? Is he falling out of love with me?
Well, no. He never really was in or is in love. Not the way you love. And he is grooming. He is training you like an animal how to jump to his need for control and supply. He doesn’t want you to get too comfortable, because then you might have needs that you may think he is compliant with, and he does not want to service you ever. He wants his supply.
Suddenly the next week he is back on point. He is calling sometimes 3 times a day. You get excited. He just had a bad week the week before, and he really does love you. He starts telling you he wants to take you away, and is looking into a trip to the Caribbean.
That sounds amazing. You can’t wait to see him later on, and he is saying he can’t wait to see you too, and “love you up”. But when he arrives, he is withdrawn.
He is buried in his cell phone, reading texts and having a smoke, which he knows you are unable to be around. He is preoccupied. What happened to the guy who was so excited to see me?
Gone. Replaced with a seemingly annoyed by your presence human being, who doesn’t really want to talk. “Hey, want to go get dinner?” you suggest. Anything to try to engage him. “No, I’m not really hungry”.
What just happened? He was so wonderful on the phone. He wanted me there. Now I’m here and it seems like he can’t wait for me to leave, and worse he is ignoring me. When you try telling him that this is really bothering you, he will say “if you think I’m such an ass hole what are you doing here?”
I never called him that. Or did I? I scramble to say that’s not what I meant. It doesn’t matter, he has the escape he wants, and now he has gone outside away from me and lit another cigarette, and is reading his phone.
I may get lucky and in the middle of the night, he will want to be intimate (well intimate for a narc is robotic with no kissing or any hugging its purely the act of it). And the promises of the Caribbean trip, or any other fun thing, is lost in the wind.
A constant future faking to get me excited, with no follow through. Ever. And somehow at this point I’m absolutely a basket case. I am so ensconced in the cycle I am thinking I must do whatever I can to salvage it. Although I have not done anything to put it in jeopardy. And is it even a relationship?
I mean every time he calls, we talk about his issues. I don’t get to talk. He’s busy talking over me. He thinks its ok to tell me if he flirts with another woman on one of his trips (that can make our sex life hotter), he will even flirt in front of me when we are out. I have yelled and cried about that behaviour, and he has told me this is why men don’t stay with me. What?
The reality of this relationship is you are alone. This is not a loving companion. This is someone who has picked you to do their bidding, and they play with your emotions to fulfil their never-ending need for supply emotionally, because they have such a void. In the wake of it you can be left feeling broken and worthless, defective and “NOT ENOUGH”.
I’m learning to speak with a group of anxious attachments, and work with a lead counsellor, and although its too hard for me to go full no contact, I am becoming more courageous when he gives me the silent treatment, and not reach out no matter how much it hurts.
If you or someone you know is involved in a relationship like this, I urge you not to judge, but be open to listening to them. They are in pain and need the support you can provide.
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