I was tempted to write the worlds shortest blog post, and put “no”. But the answer isn’t quite as cut and dry as that. The answer to whether a narcissist can truly love you, needs some discussion.
Some narcissists truly believe they love or have loved their partners. And whilst they’re not the most truthful members of society, I believe that some do genuinely think they have loved someone. But I would argue that they haven’t really. Not in the strictest sense.
Here’s some reasons why I feel narcissists cannot truly love others…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Emotional Empathy
As I’m sure you’re aware, narcissists lack emotional empathy. So they don’t automatically feel what their partners are feeling.
On a cognitive level, narcissists understand their partners feel upset when unfortunate circumstances befall them. But they don’t feel it.
This means it’s easy for them to dismiss their partners feelings. Or not consider them at all. Because they don’t have that nagging automatic feeling to remind them.
Someone with emotional empathy may feel bad for days, even weeks, if they hurt a loved one. So they want to make it up to them to stop their bad feelings. And next time they’re in a similar position, they remember how they felt, and don’t repeat the same behaviour.
Narcissists don’t experience this “self punishment” that emotional empathy provides. They can sleep easily when they’ve wronged someone. Even their loved ones. So they’re more likely to do it. And more likely to repeat it.
Does this lack of emotional empathy mean they can’t truly love another? I would argue that it does. Because when you can’t feel what someone else is feeling, then you can’t connect on a deeper level. And you can’t show them true love when you’re unable to consider their feelings.
Transactional Relationships
Narcissists are transactional in their relationships. They’re prepared to give, but only if they receive the same or more in return. And usually they insist on more – much more.
A narcissist might for example pay the lions share of the bills, if their partner is younger and more beautiful. In this case they consider the expense worth it to be seen with someone young and attractive. So in their mind their “generosity” is paid back, and some. So they’re happy to do it.
On the flip side, a narcissist may date someone older and less attractive, if that person is wealthy. Because the money is worth the trade for being with someone older and less attractive.
Different narcissists value different things. Some may prefer money, whereas others may want to look good. But they all want their pound of flesh out of their relationships. And seek to take more than they give.
I’m not saying that neuro-typicals are holier than thou. They also have transactional considerations when it comes to choosing a mate.
Many of us would think twice before taking on someone who was dirt poor. Or who had a debilitating illness. But usefulness is not as critically important as it is to narcissists.
Often neuro-typicals choose someone from a similar social economic status. And similar in the looks department. But ultimately they decide whether they like this person or not. And don’t produce a detailed cost-benefit analysis.
Narcissists are more conscious about what they give and what they take. And if circumstances change and they feel they’re giving more than they’re taking, they’re likely to get cold feet and look for a better deal elsewhere. They quickly forget all the things their partner did for them in the past. Because loyalty isn’t in their DNA.
Vulnerability
Narcissists don’t like anyone having power over them. But to love someone properly, you must leave yourself vulnerable.
Loving someone makes you vulnerable because it gives the other person the power to hurt you. If you truly love someone, then you’re devastated if you lose them.
Narcissists don’t want to be in a position where someone can harm them. So they keep their feelings locked away. Then they’re “safe”.
But holding back their feelings means they can’t truly love. Because they don’t emotionally care about the relationship, because in their mind they can’t afford to. They want the other person to care, not them.
This causes narcissists to withhold intimacy. Because they’re fearful of falling too deep. So they act cold and distant with their partners. Because they feel safer receiving love than they do giving it. But it means they can’t truly be “in love”. Because love is a two-way thing.
Can’t Take Criticism
Narcissists harbour delusions of superiority. And to maintain these delusions, they find it difficult to take criticism. Because if they accept they’ve done something wrong, then they can’t be as perfect as they think they are.
So narcissists often respond with hostility when challenged. And can be extremely thin skinned with perceived criticisms. Flying off the handle at the slightest challenge. Even when there’s been none.
This has major consequences in their love life. Because a loving partner should listen if they’re told their behaviour is hurting the other. And they should work to modify it for their partners’ sake.
Instead, narcissist deflect, blame shift, or throw tantrums when challenged. And stop their partners from resolving relationship issues.
This affects their ability to truly love another. Because their ego gets in the way of considering their partners needs. Narcissists would rather leave relationship issues unresolved, than admit they’ve done something wrong.
How Narcissists Love
Narcissists love people in a similar way to how we love our car. We might love our car if it makes us look good. We might love it because it helps us out. But we rarely love it to the point where we genuinely care about it, above our own needs.
Narcissists love their partners in the same way. They love what their partners do for them. Their partners might cook and clean for them. Give them attention. So they love them for these things. But take these things away, and the narcissists “love” waivers. Meaning their love is conditional on what they receive. Is that real love?
Narcissists may care when something bad happens to their partner. But again it’s like how we care when something happens to our car. We mourn our own personal losses, rather than feel for the car. “Now I can’t get to work”. And in exactly the same way, narcissists mourn their own personal losses, rather than feel for their partner. “Who’s going to iron my shirt?”
Final Thoughts
Narcissists often feel “love” for their partners. And may find them attractive, and like spending time with them. But in my opinion, they can’t truly love.
Narcissists are too self absorbed to return love in a meaningful way. They focus too much on themselves and their needs. And don’t allow themselves to get too close to their partners, through fear of being vulnerable.
Of course there’s no universal definition of love. And in the eyes of a narcissist, I’m sure many believe they are in love. But in my book, love means caring for another, as much as you care for yourself. And in this respect, narcissists fall woefully short.
As with most things, narcissists are all about themselves. And whilst they’re fine receiving love, they struggle giving it. And this mutuality is what provides the framework for true love.
Ultimately, someone always gets in the way of a narcissist loving someone else. And that someone is them.
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