Narcissists hate being wrong. In their mind it shows weakness. Plus it challenges their delusions of perfection and superiority. So they devise tactics to defend themselves, rather than admit fault.

In the face of overwhelming evidence, many narcissists stick doggedly to their defences. Even when holding their hands up would defuse the situation.

Narcissists try their absolute best to defend themselves over anything. And it becomes quite childish watching them desperately clutch at straws, rather than own up and apologise like a grown up.

If you learn the typical narcissist defences, then you’re more able to see what they’re doing. Whilst this does not guarantee you success, it helps you keep what sanity you have left. Because you’ll no longer be as confused and self doubting.

Here’s some of the popular defences of narcissists. They usually use one or more of the following tactics to get themselves off the hook when they’ve done something wrong…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Deny

The usual first port of call for a narcissist is to deny. And deny, deny, and deny some more. Most narcissists are shameless about what they deny. And even in the face of overwhelming evidence, they stick to their guns.

Narcissists know that if they deny to the ends of the Earth, then there’s a small shred of doubt in your mind. And that’s enough for them to exploit.

You could catch a narcissist leaving an ex’s house at 4am. And their first defence would be to deny that they were there. You can explain that you saw them, and they still deny. “It must have been someone who looked like me.”

So you show them a picture. They still deny it’s them. So you zoom in and it’s clearly them. So the narcissist changes tact. “OK I was there. But we didn’t get up to anything.”

So unless you actually catch them in the act, the narcissist knows they can deny all. And that small 1% of doubt is what they play on. They know you’re a fair and conscientious person. So you’re not comfortable calling them out on something you’re not 100% sure of. And because they deny things so passionately, it’s easy to fall for it and give them the benefit of the doubt.

I Was Only Joking

This is a popular go to for many narcissists. When a narcissist is accused of putting people down, they frequently fall back on the line, “I was only joking.”

This is an easy go-to for the narcissist. Practically any insult can mindlessly be defended with the words, “I was only joking.”

The problem is that people who are “only joking”, don’t intend to hurt others. So they stop when they sense someone’s hurt. And they certainly don’t use the same “jokes” once they’re aware the recipient is not happy with them.

But a narcissist will use the same insults in the future. They might even use them more, now they know it annoys you. Yet they still claim to be joking. But the fact is that if they’re told a certain put down is upsetting and they use it again, then they’re deliberately causing hurt. And that’s no joke.

Narcissists sometimes use the “only joking” defence when they’re caught lying. They claim that the lie was a joke, even though it wasn’t funny at all.

The frustrating thing is that you usually know what they’re up to. But they doggedly stick to their guns, claiming it was all a joke. And it’s infuriatingly difficult to successfully call them out.

Blame Shifting

Many narcissists are expert blame shifters. In a nutshell, blame shifting is where the narcissist shifts the blame from themselves and onto you, or to someone else. And there seems to be two main ways narcissists do this.

The first is to find some fault of yours that contributed to what they did. It might be minor and barely related, but they blow it up out of all proportions and use it as an excuse to blame you for what they did.

For example, you might ask the narcissist why they were 3 hours late coming home from work, and didn’t ring to let you know. The narcissist then launches into a tirade about how you didn’t fill the car with petrol. And complains it took them ages to find a petrol station. 3 hours?! Hmm.

The second is where they blame you for something completely unrelated. In our example of arriving home 3 hours late, the narcissist may have a go at you because you bought the wrong size shirt for their birthday. Which obviously has nothing to do with the issue whatsoever.

This last example can be particularly puzzling because they throw up issues completely unrelated. And go at you hard. Then you’re left defending yourself, when they’re the ones who’ve done something wrong.

This causes confusion, because you wasn’t expecting to be attacked for something completely unrelated. And the narcissist will keep counter-blaming you, every time you bring up the issue.

Act Like It’s No Big Deal

Another defence is to act like whatever they’ve done is no big deal. A sort of “yes, and so what” attitude. This defence is usually used if they’ve been caught red-handed, and none of the other defences work.

If the narcissist can’t deny it or blame you, then they might admit what they’ve done, but they still won’t admit they’ve done anything wrong. A sort of, “yes OK I did cheat on you, but it’s no big deal.”

The narcissist hopes that by acting nonchalant, you’re confused into accepting their behaviour. But turn things around. Would they be so forgiving if it was you that did the same to them?

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is where the narcissist attempts to get you doubting your take on reality. They might for example convince you that your memory is poor. Or that you always misinterpret events.

A narcissist knows that if they can get you doubting your take on reality, you end up relying on theirs. And the narcissist has free reign to tell you whatever they want. Which is obviously heavily weighted in their favour.

The narcissist knows they always have a fall back to almost any situation. “Oh yes, we all know what your memory is like!” And can trump anything you accuse them of.

Recruit Backup

Most narcissists are bully’s, and they have a few people in their pockets they can intimidate and get onside. Regardless of the truth.

Narcissists spend most of their lives planning how to manipulate people. So they grow more skilled as time goes by. And they develop many strategies for getting people to back them, even when they’re in the wrong.

They may put the person on the spot, and pressurise them in front of a crowd. “You don’t agree with her do you?” And the person knows through past conduct that if they don’t agree with the narcissist, then they’re likely to get “punished” in front of everyone.

So you can be left in the confusing and frustrating situation where everyone is on the narcissists side. Even though you know you’re in the right.

Smear

If someone has dirt on a narcissist, then the narcissist might start a smear campaign against them. This is where the narcissist discredits this person to anyone who’ll listen.

The narcissist knows that if they can paint a picture of this person being unreliable and dishonest, then no one will believe them when they spill the beans. Or at the very least it will increase the level of doubt.

Narcissists are commonly known to smear their ex’s. Because the ex often knows a lot about the narcissist. And they are much more likely to reveal what they’re like, once the relationship is over.

The narcissist lies or exaggerates their ex’s faults. And portrays them as a bad person. Meanwhile their honest ex is saying nothing and just getting on with life. So it’s an unfair “contest”, as one of the parties isn’t even playing.

Wind You Up

A narcissist will sometimes deliberately wind you up if they feel they’re losing the argument. They might use certain phrases that they know gets to you. Or bring up things that have upset you in the past.

Narcissists are always on the look out for things that gain a reaction. And when they find something that winds you up, they remember this for when they need to use it in the future.

The narcissist knows that if they can get you angry and preferably shouting and swearing, then they win. The narcissist can paint the picture of you being the crazy abusive one. And sit calmly whilst you blow up in a rage, and point out how horrible you’re being.

The narcissist also knows that if they can get you into a rage, then all rational conversation goes out the window. Which is exactly what they want. The narcissist knows deep down they’re in the wrong. So if they can turn things into a messy shouting match, then their guilt won’t be exposed.

Cry

If all else fails, then the narcissist has one final ace up their sleeve. They cry. Although this is more common with female narcissists, male narcissists are also known to use this tactic.

Once you’ve beaten them into a corner, and their defences aren’t working, the narcissist throws one last Hail Mary to claim victory.

The narcissist knows that any conscientious and caring person doesn’t enjoy someone crying. Especially when they’re arguably the cause of it.

Crying usually makes people back off. And not go so hard on the narcissist. And maybe even apologise for upsetting them. The narcissist knows this, and exploits it to the max. But these are usually crocodile tears, and they know exactly what they’re doing.

Most narcissists know the value of being able to cry on demand. And many master this skill well before hitting adulthood. When the narcissist is backed into a corner, they cry. And then the person feels bad and backs down. Allowing the narcissist to get away scot-free.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists often flit between these defences. And try each tactic, until one works. Denial is usually their first port of call. And they can be stubborn with their denials. But if this doesn’t work, they may switch tactics.

They may blame you, or someone else. Which then contradicts their initial denial. And if this doesn’t work, they may act like it’s no big deal. Which contradicts their initial denial AND the subsequent blame shifting.

It’s clear that when the narcissist shifts tactics like this, they’re not interested in discovering the truth. They’re only interested in getting themselves off the hook. They don’t care about righting a wrong. The narcissist is only looking to “win”.

Sometimes you’ve got to move on and leave the narcissist to it. They’re usually so tightly bound in their defences that they’re almost impossible to penetrate.

In this case it’s almost impossible to get the narcissist to see how they affect others. Which is why narcissists often revisit the same behaviours, and don’t learn, grow, and mature. They might get themselves off the hook, but they don’t learn from their mistakes.

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How To Outsmart A Narcissist