Once bitten, twice shy is usually the order of the day after a narcissist relationship. And for good reason.
Narcissist relationships are unpleasant. And I’m sure you could write a list as long as your arm as to why.
You’re right to be cautious. But this caution can get in the way of finding someone who’s right for you. And who’s not a narcissist.
You’re probably aware of how difficult is it to spot a narcissist. Especially when first meeting them. Because they’re skilled liars. And seasoned manipulators. But there are some clues.
In this article, I’ll discuss some of the traits to look out for, when getting to know someone. They should help you identify if someone’s a narcissist, or has narcissistic tenancies. Here’s some things to look out for…
Please Check Out The Following Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
It Feels Difficult Saying No To Them
Although the narcissist is in “nice mode”, you may still find it difficult to say no to them. And you might not be able to put your finger on why.
Narcissists are extremely cunning. And spend their life honing their skills. So they have numerous tactics to make it difficult to say no. And some are hard to detect.
They may for example give you a gift. Then quickly ask you for something, knowing you’ll feel obliged to say yes.
Or they may word a “request” as a direct order, using a permissive tone. So it sounds like they’re asking, when they’re not. For example, they might say, “Let’s go for an Italian tonight. Shall I pick you up at 7.30, or shall we make it 8?
In this example, the narcissist hasn’t asked what type of entertainment you want. Or even what type of restaurant. And they’ve not even asked if you want to go! Your only choice is 7.30 or 8. A half hour window. How considerate!
If you find it difficult to say no to someone, then analyse why. Do they use subtle manipulations? Do you anticipate they might be angry with you if you say no?
A great way to test a narcissist is to see how they react to being told no. Of course in the early days they won’t throw a fit. Because they know it’s too soon. But you might detect some micro expressions, that show anger or disgust.
The first expression usually shows their true feelings. So if their face flashes with anger, but is quickly replaced by a warm smile, then it might be time to make your exit. Because they’re hiding their anger at your autonomy. And they won’t forever.
Confused About Their Feelings
Most narcissists don’t understand feelings well. Either their own, or other peoples. Because they spend their life trying to detach from them.
So if you ask how they feel about something, and they clam up, they could be a narcissist. Especially if this is a recurring theme.
Another clue is if they often say they “don’t know how to feel” about something. This implies that in their world, feelings are a choice. Rather than spontaneous. Which shows they’re in the habit of faking emotions. And guess who’s notorious for that?!
They’re Super Nice
It’s difficult to spot narcissists at the beginning, because they usually act super nice. And this difficulty is compounded, because we all present our best selves at the beginning of relationships.
Narcissists act super nice, because they know you’d never stick with their true selves. So instead of showing their best selves, they put on an act. A complete fabrication. And play the role of someone who’s nice, until they’ve drawn you in. But because it’s an act, they make mistakes.
Being nice doesn’t come naturally for narcissists. Which means they have a lot of work to do. So they often overcompensate, and act too nice.
They may be overly attentive, to the point of suffocation. Shower you with compliments and praise. And message you constantly throughout the day.
In a nutshell, they seem too good to be true. And we all know the saying that comes with this.
No one in their right mind would claim to be soul mates within a few weeks of meeting someone. And be so sure they want to spend the rest of their life with them. It’s not normal, not healthy, and probably deceptive.
Genuine people do flatter. And they may fudge things a little to be charming. But they stay within the realms of possibility.
Take your emotions out the equation. Because they impede your logical thinking. And ask yourself how realistic they’re being. There’s nothing wrong with someone being keen on you. But are you really so special that they want to commit their entire life to you within a few days of meeting you? Or are they looking to reel you in?
They Tell You How Nice They Are
Since narcissists prefer to talk the talk, they usually tell people how nice they are. Their favourite topics include how important their kids are. How they hate people who have affairs. And how conscientious they are at work.
But if someone REALLY thought these things, then they wouldn’t need to keep saying them. Not in such a direct and repetitive way. They would demonstrate them with their actions. Even when no one was looking.
This is because their qualities wouldn’t seem special to them. They would be normal. Yes, of course my kids are important. And therefore I don’t need to keep talking about it.
During the “getting to know you stage”, some narcissists regularly say, “I’m the sort of person who…”, then adds a virtue. Such as “I’m the sort of person who thinks of others before themselves”.
This shows that they’re keen to tell you what to think about them. Rather than be themselves, and let you decide. Which is a red flag.
Their Words And Actions Don’t Match
In the early stages of a relationship, you may notice that some things they say don’t feel right. And it could be because you’ve subconsciously noticed that their words don’t match their actions.
For instance, they may talk passionately about how family means everything to them. But never visit their Mum, despite living 2 minutes away. Or criticise others for being lazy. Yet work part time, and take regular days off sick.
Someone who’s words don’t match their actions is deceptive. And their outward show is probably very different to the person within. Which is definitely concerning.
Watch Out For Micro Aggressions
In the early stages of a relationship, narcissists often test you with micro aggressions. This is where they “uncharacteristically” snap at you for no good reason.
The narcissist may quickly apologise and blame stress, or a bad day. Or swiftly return to their nice act, as if nothing happened. And there’s two reasons for this.
The narcissist may have momentarily forgotten themselves, and allowed their mask to slip. Or they were testing you.
Narcissists don’t want equal relationships. They want to dominate. So they test to see what you’ll put up with.
If you’re quick to forgive their micro aggressions, then they learn that you accept this level of abuse. Box ticked.
But this won’t satisfy them for long. Narcissists are bottomless pits, and always want more. So they up the ante, and increase the levels of abuse. And see how you respond to that.
So if you feel that someone is gradually becoming more aggressive and more often, then it’s a huge red flag. And you shouldn’t put up with it, no matter what excuses they give.
Talk Badly About Their Ex
Obviously no one gives a glowing report about their ex to their next potential partner. But they don’t need to demonise them either.
Narcissists often talk badly about their ex for two main reasons. The first is to smear them to you. The narcissist knows how badly they treated them. And they don’t want you finding out. So they insure themselves against it, by painting a picture of them being crazy, abusive, etc. So that if you ever run into them, you won’t believe a word they say.
The second reason is that the narcissist may be genuinely angry with their ex. Not because their ex did anything wrong. But because they blame THEM for the relationship breaking down. Because narcissists don’t accept responsibility for their actions.
So if they talk alarmingly badly about their ex, and have nothing at all good to say about them, then it’s a red flag.
Watch How They Treat People
Narcissists often talk the talk. And may walk the walk when they think you’re watching. But again, they make mistakes. So watch out for the subtleties of how they treat people.
They may dismissively wave away a waiter when they’re done with them. Be rude and confrontational to other drivers. Or sound cold and uncaring when on the phone to their family.
Of course, they always have an excuse if you challenge them. They might claim that the waiter was ogling you. Or the other driver gave them a rude gesture, which you didn’t see. And they’re usually quick to change the subject.
Look at how they treat people who have less power than them. Or those who can’t give them anything they want. Because if they treat these people noticeably worse, then it’s another red flag.
Also, look at how they treat their ex. Particularly if they share children with them. If they’re unnecessarily aggressive and rude to them, then this shows you what type of person they are. And one day, you could be that ex!
If the narcissist is love bombing you, then you might notice a world of difference between how they treat you, and how they treat others. And some people wrongly consider it flattering that they’re the only person they treat well. Like they’ve tamed the beast. But it’s only a means to an end. And if you stick around long enough, they’ll treat you just as badly, if not worse.
Look for someone who treats everyone with respect. They don’t have to be a push over. But if they’re respectful to everyone, no matter how unimportant, then they’re likely to be respectful to you.
Final Thoughts
The key is to look for evidence. Rather than blindly believe what a potential partner says. Because narcissists are great at telling you how wonderful, kind, and caring they are. But not so good at actually doing it over the long haul.
Take your time in new relationships. And keep a close watch. Because if they’re a narcissist, they’re likely to slip up over time. And show glimpses of their true selves.
Narcissists are also likely to rush through the stages of a relationship. And have you married and living with them by the end of the month. Because they want to lock you in before they slip up. So if someone pressurises you to mover faster than you want, then it’s a big warning sign.
And finally, be willing to walk away. If someone is abusive and detrimental to your quality of life, then you’re entitled to walk away. You don’t owe them your loyalty if they’re displaying toxic behaviours. You owe yourself. Know your value, and stick to it.
Please CLICK HERE For The Green Flags Which Show Someone’s NOT A Narcissist
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