As we all know, narcissists think they’re the centre of the universe. And that everybody focusses on them. And to a point, they’re right!
Narcissists have a knack of lingering on peoples’ minds and lips, much more than everybody else. I’ve worked in the mental health field since 2002. And usually it’s the patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder that dominate the thoughts of everyone around them.
And in personal lives, narcissists also dominate most people’s minds. Especially if you’re close to them. Most people find it’s difficult to shake a narcissist from their head, once a relationship is over.
How do narcissists dominate people’s thoughts? Here’s some of the reasons why I think narcissists stay on people’s minds…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Love Bombing
At the beginning of relationships and friendships, narcissist like to love bomb. They go to great lengths to tell you how great you are. How much they care for you. How you’re soul mates and have a special spiritual bond together, etc.
Narcissists lay it on thick at the beginning of relationships to get in your head. They know that people like other people who like them. So narcissists go overboard with the love and affection, to draw people in.
Most people feel overwhelmed by the narcissists love bombing. And quickly fall for them. How often do you find someone who thinks you’re awesome?
Narcissists aim to get in your head as quickly as possible. They know if you fall for them, you’re less likely to leave them. And more likely to put up with their narcissistic behaviours.
Narcissists Take Over Your Life
As I’m sure you’re aware, narcissists only care about THEIR needs, not yours. And they’ll happily take over your life if you let them.
Narcissists don’t have much empathy, so they don’t consider the impact they have on your life. Their focus is on their own needs.
A lonely narcissist may phone you every day, pestering for attention, regardless of your other commitments. And unless you have strong boundaries, they will take over your life, bit by bit.
Narcissists try every trick in the book to get you to focus on them and their needs. And because they do it gradually, it’s easy to get sucked in. They often create an expectation where you’re there for them whenever they need you. And it becomes your role to care for them.
It’s easy to get in the habit of considering their needs at the expense of your own. Narcissists gradually demand more and more from you. But are never truly satisfied. This can cause you to think of them and their needs more than your own.
Narcissists Victim Mentality
Most narcissists like to establish themselves as victims. They know that victims have many perks. They can talk to you for hours about their problems. Gain favours, and gain attention.
They might claim they’re suicidal, depressed, or ill in any number of ways. Then they guilt you into worrying about them, and catering for their needs. Who wouldn’t worry about a friend who claims to be in a bad way?
Narcissists like to drop hints that they need your help. Leaving conscientious people worrying about them most of the time.
Blowing Hot And Cold
Many narcissists blow hot and cold. They may be warm and pleasant one minute, cold and hostile the next. This leaves people confused and wary, not sure what to expect.
This unpredictability gets people thinking, and tongues wagging. Why are they like this? Is it me? What have I done?
Conscientious people often look inward and accept part of the blame. And wonder how they can put things right. These same conscientious people aren’t used to upsetting people. So it plays on their minds when the narcissist decides they’ve done something wrong. Causing them to think about them for long periods.
Silent Treatment
Many narcissists use the silent treatment when they feel aggrieved. And this gets them on the mind of everyone around them.
People walk on egg shells, wondering what’s wrong with the narcissist. And because they’re being silent, no one knows for sure.
People naturally wonder what it could be. Especially when they create an atmosphere you could cut with a knife. Was it because I was home ten minutes later than usual?
When you’ve known a narcissist for a while, you learn that the silent treatment could be over the smallest of things. Which gets your brain working in over drive, wondering what you’ve done “wrong” this time.
Cognitive Dissonance
Narcissists often cause cognitive dissonance in those around them. This is where they say one thing, but do something else. This gets your head and your heart conflicting over what’s really going on.
They might tell you how you’re the only person in the world who matters to them. Then drop you flat when a friends calls. This naturally gets you questioning things.
This incongruence leaves you confused. Wondering whether your gut feelings are right. Or whether you’re being too harsh on them. And you can spend hours trying to figure this out. And all the while the narcissist lives in your head, rent free.
Drama
Narcissists aren’t happy sitting quietly in the background for long. Every now and then they like to create some drama.
Most narcissists are experts at causing trouble and making themselves seem like the victim. Some people fall for their tricks, whereas others don’t.
Those who fall for it, believe the poor “victim” narcissist always gets a raw deal. And feels sorry for them. Those that don’t are often infuriated by how they fool everyone else. BOTH are thinking about them.
One thing is for sure, there’s rarely a dull moment around a narcissist. If they’re not being dramatic themselves, then they’re probably provoking it in others.
Whilst this isn’t a way of life for most people, it’s certainly memorable. Many people forget those that sit quietly in the background. But few forget a dramatic narcissist.
Narcissists CAN Be Great Company
Ultimately narcissists want to be liked and admired. And at tines they can be great company. They can be funny, kind, and charming. And there’s rarely a dull moment when they’re on form.
Narcissists have a greater need to be around people. So they often make things happen, and organise events. And bring people together.
Many people say they experienced the worst times of their lives with a narcissist. But they often concede that they also spend their best moments with them too. These two extremes can cause something called trauma bonding…
Trauma Bonding
Narcissists hot and cold behaviours can cause trauma bonding to those around them. This is similar to the Stockholm Syndrome, where hostages bond with their captors.
Many people get into the habit of trying to please the narcissist, because they use punishment and reward tactics. So they become addicted to the odd bone of kindness that’s thrown their way. Like a rare jewel, a scarcity of kindness increases it’s perceived value.
This causes them to become confused between trauma bonding and love. And they can easily be fooled into thinking they’re madly in love with the narcissist. But really it’s psychological manipulation.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists are not your typical people. They can be bossy, controlling and dramatic. But they can also be the life and soul of the party.
Narcissists may sometimes shower you with gifts and praise. And other times be cold and distant. And all these things make them memorable. Which is why they get into people’s heads.
Narcissists can be infuriating with their mind games and twisted logic. And they usually blame you for anything they’ve done wrong. Which leaves a shred of of doubt in your mind. Is it all my fault?
You usually experience many highs and lows when you’re close to a narcissist. And whilst this isn’t how most people want to live, it can make the narcissist strangely addictive.
Many people struggle when they end a relationship with a narcissist. They find it difficult to shake them from their head. Because they’ve occupied so much mind space for so long.
My only advice is to regularly remind yourself of all the unkind things they said and did. And remember that you’re likely to get more of the same if you get back with them.
Narcissists have a way of staying on peoples minds. And they can be difficult to forget. But it’s usually for all the wrong reasons.
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I could not have said it better, but it will say the interaction had with a narc who’s the whole package is vastly more damaging to the other party than anything that could be memorable. Red flags.. RUN- DONT LOOK BACK !
Thankyou,
I am having problems with stop thinking of my ex narc, every time I shall sleep.
I usually remind me of all things that happened and what a creepy story.
It was really a big trauma bonding because he was married before and you felt sorry for him somehow, and his ex wife disappeared since two years or more we meat.
They said she got cancer and how I got involved is a long story.
I was invited by a friend to go with her to his house for dinner and we slept over in the guest room and next day she left earlier and I remained more time alone with him.
He was incredibly charmig and very attractive and started to flirt with me.
He said he wanted to give me all clothes and jewels from his ex wife in the house, that was still there after his exwife (she that was dead) and I accepted all.
And it was beautiful clothing some never used and almost new and it all suited me very well.
The
house was full of pictures of her and he used to light on tea candles in front of her big photos of his exwife after certain intim moments with me.
She was 15 years older than him.
He got her pension when they presumed she was dead after I knew him a year so before he didn’t have a full time job so yes I was his economic security.
although nobody had found his exwife body they consider her to be dead. But I think she lives and went back to Syria because my ex said one day he still loved her and he was for hours talking with people “friends” from Syria they are very smart and can fool the swedish authorities here where I live.
She came from Syria and disappeared there.
It was very creepy and one could think he was knd and loving because he still after two years had left all medicines and caregiving things in an important place in the living room like a little altar dedicated to her. (he was a coptic Christian)
He later one year after staying with himto take all the medicines back to dump them the pharmacy. And so I did.
I thought his lovebombing had to do with his character or culture him coming from egypt.
And I got really seduced and that is whats getting me soo angry because I said no and no when he tried to be more intim the first time because I wanted to know him more than two days.
But I fell for him and got involved in a very strange and creepy story.
from day two he convinced me to become his wife but it was just a way of talking to me, only two-three month låter, silent treatment, devaluing and all what they say about narcissistic ways of fooling your mind is likely to be what I have been through.
I have stayed away since a year when last summer a day in july I was so angry after even a physical abuse so I had to go to hospital but I am not sure he did on purpose.
I was irritated and very hurt and said to him to get out of my life. And that he should leave my house and that was after being so stressed by him knowing he was cheating liking another woman closing himself in the toilet for hours night and day and every night I woke up or noticed he was in the toilet smoking having secret affairs doing strange things and also this provoking triangulstion making me feel gelous and bad. He disappering from me, never calling me saying I will come home later.
I was loosing my self asteem totally like never before when I found out about his other women/and I did and do not wanted to be part of that entertainment story making me feel so miserabel like never before.
He was also addicted to alcohol and a very heavy smoker.
So when I found out of his new love affair he said it was my fault and that I was so very a nervous woman yes he said always why are you so nervous?
He frighted me but at the same time I was so attracted and fascinated Somehow believing he really loved me.
But he was saying I was stupid and I always felt I was not good enough.
I didn’t knew about narcissists but I felt he had some form of psychopathic behaviour so I said that once.
A real psychopath I told him to be, but after finding an article about narcissistic abuse I think this was the abuse I been through.
It is better now for me because all my self security and asteem is back cutting every contact and possible way to be in touch with him.
I was and don’ t need to be in contact luckily (no children).
But I can’t blame my self for not getting him out of my head and waisting time feelings and to have trusted this gamer.
But as soon as I went no contact a real desicion of stoppning some hope for the future or some good feeling about or showing sympathy my self asteem and self worth came back very strong and I for the first time have more energy and no anxiety. And I start tofeel much better about my self.
But all those memories, and I still feel humilated somehow like a very big looser.
The relation was only two years and half but I have never before been so humilated or having a problem with forgetting someone making me feel bad.
I always had my own appartment where I could go but I didn’t know about narcissism until long after we broke up and it all describe exactly what had happened to me.
Three month ago I happened to meet him again and was thinking I should forgive him.
In the year we didn’t stay together, since last summer I have gone to another country to work for forgetting and to heal. But……
But when I was back he sent a message that somehow came into my automatic mobile answer so I didn’ know it was him and he left a message saying he missed me.
I didn’t have talked or been in contact for six month with him and he didn’t know I had been away working far far away.
I felt very alone when I came home and I was somehow stronger and thought maybe he is not a narc I wanted to proof it, so I accepted to see him again.
knowing and presuming I must be an old supply probably and looking him in the face I knew and felt pity for him.
thinking maybe I can handle this “friend”
I have never been so fooled and humilated by a man in my life, and it is probably due to my age (55) that you oversee and you are not young and it is hard to meet knew “friends”
so I have patcience with people.
But that lovebombing and showering from the beginning seducing with a paid travel together and with gifts and so on, was so traumabonding. And I think that is the very worst thing they telephone always and you just get into something that feels bad in the gut but you can’t define it, and the incredible infatuation that happen.
It is surely hard to get them out of your mind.
The only god thing about this experience is that I figured out my mother has many narcissistic traits and the whole life I suffered from her being so diffucult to understand and to have a nice mother/ daughter relation.
I still talk to her but have a lot of information on narcissistic mothers so I stay strong not getting angry anymore.
Sorry to hear your story Eva. But don’t be too hard on yourself. You were looking for love. And there’s nothing wrong with that. He was acting in a way that neuro typicals don’t find easy to understand, or believe. Deliberately trying to play you. It’s shame on him, not shame on you.
My experience with my narc is so strikingly similar to what the articles are about. She is the damsel in distress one minute and then she’s Attila the Hun the next accusing me of having sex with everything that walks!
I’m not going to let anyone lie about me and I fell for the oldest trick in the narcissist handbook. I caught her in numerous affairs, and somehow they were all my fault. I then found out she was abusing methamphetamines in addition to being a covert narcissist. I confirmed my suspicions, and confronted her with all the facts and names. Well, of course she didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just an insecure asshole that has to be in control……..Ummmm. That was new to me and I got into a heated argument with her and before I knew it, I spent a year behind bars. Look for the signs. Don’t antagonize, and walk away. I’m 47, and having to rebuild my life from nothing.
Sorry to hear that James. It was similar for me. She had an affair that was all my fault! All I can say is that it’s better to be alone than in a relationship like that. Be proud you had the strength to walk away.
Hello I was wondering if you could write an article about how narcissists and sex?As they can be very strange about it.many thanks
That’s a good idea for an article Emma!
Stay true to yourselfs