In some environments, narcissists may be regarded as the ânicestâ person in the room. Their work colleagues may consider them a saint, whilst their own family knows they’re a selfish bully.
Narcissists want to be adored, they need attention, and crave success. Appearing nice at the right times helps them achieve these aims.
Narcissists have little substance. And are comfortable pretending to be someone they’re not, if it gets them what they want. Some can keep the nice act up for years.
A little schmoozing may not be that bad. But some narcissists use the nice act for more sinister reasons, which I’ll discuss later in this article.
Most narcissists understand the usefulness of appearing nice. So they develop a range of tactics to give this impression. Here’s how narcissists pretend to be nice…
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Compliments
If a narcissist wants to be liked, they throw compliments around like confetti. And are lavish with their praise.
In romantic relationships, this is known as âlove bombingâ. And is designed to draw their target in. This tactic is also applied to many other situations. Sucking up to the boss at work in one obvious example.
Narcissists know that most people are suckers for compliments. Who doesn’t feel good when praised? And even though the compliments are insincere, it makes them appear nice to the recipient.
Bend Over Backwards
Some narcissists bend over backwards to help people they want to impress. And go more than the extra mile.
This can be a source of frustration for their close family. Because the narcissist often has a completely different attitude towards them.
This gulf in attitudes shows the narcissist is insincere. And only acts nice for personal gain.
Many narcissists struggle socially because of their lack of empathy. So when they want to impress, they act too nice, to err on the side of caution. But who’s going to complain about someone being too nice?
Agree With Everything
Narcissists lack substance. And are comfortable pretending to have completely different values, depending on who they’re talking to.
Narcissists know that people like others who share their opinions. So the narcissist may agree with everything someone says. But this leaves one glaring clue. No one truthfully agrees with EVERYTHING someone says.
Public Displays
Narcissists pretend to be nice by utilising public displays of kindness and empathy. They may share touchy feely posts on social media. Talk about injustices to the disadvantaged. Even help with charities and other causes.
The narcissist makes sure as many people as possible learn about their âkind actsâ. Although some narcissists are more subtle than others.
The more covert narcissists may âaccidentallyâ let it slip. Then pretend to be embarrassed. Whereas overt narcissists may outright brag about their good deeds.
Tell People How Nice They Are
Some narcissists take the bull by the horns and tell people how nice they are. They may talk about how important their children are. How they’re an empath. (A lot of narcissists claim to be empaths!) How they think of others before themselves, etc.
It’s surprising how people are taken in by the narcissists rhetoric. And believe they must be nice, simply because they say so. But the real test is watching what they do.
Someone who considers their children important wouldn’t shout it from the rooftops. Because it’s obvious, and doesn’t need saying. If you have high levels of empathy, you wouldn’t talk about it much, because to you it would be normal.
Fighting For A Cause
Some narcissists appear nice by fighting for a cause. It could be a local government issue, or an issue at work for example.
The narcissist may fight tirelessly for the right thing. And often has valid points. But that isn’t their motivation.
Narcissists always have an ulterior motive. And it may be as simple as wanting to appear nice. Or there may be more to be gained.
For instance, in the workplace they may complain about someone’s lack of professionalism. Not because they care, but because they want to appear better than them. And want to usurp them for their job.
A narcissist may wait for a genuine grievance to come up, then pounce all over it. Just to appear like the good Samaritan. And claim any spoils that happen to become available.
Provoke
Some narcissists intentionally provoke those close to them. They learn what they’re sensitive about. And poke and prod until they snap.
Once they snap, the narcissist plays the victim. And acts like their reaction was unprovoked. For example – âI only said you looked big in thatâ – after months of mercilessly teasing them about their weight.
Unfortunately many conscientious people fall for it, thinking they’re the ones to blame. Because it’s not in their DNA to snap at people. But we all have a breaking point. And the narcissist takes it there, then holds their hands up and plays the nice act.
This allows the narcissist to get away with it. So they can do it again and again. And it can get worse…
The narcissist may subtly provoke in front of others. And when their victim snaps, the narcissist remains calm. And plays the role of rational peace maker, trying to calm their âirrationalâ partner down.
Onlookers are unaware that this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. And don’t recognise the subtle provocations. And believe the victim overreacted.
This allows narcissists to get away with abuse for years. Hiding in plain sight. Because the victim feels they’re at least partly to blame. And their own friends and family dismiss them, because they’ve witnessed their so called âoutburstsâ.
How Long Can Narcissists Pretend To Be Nice?
How long can narcissists pretend to be nice? Well it depends on the circumstances, and the patience of the individual narcissist. But here’s some general rules…
If it’s a romantic setting, a common figure I hear is 3 months. After 3 months the narcissist figures they have their new flame “hooked”, and they gradually roll out their narcissistic behaviours. If they’re impatient, or they sense their partner has weak boundaries, then it might be sooner.
If a narcissist is pretending to be nice to people they don’t spend much time with, then it can be many years. For instance, they may play the nice act to the local shopkeeper indefinitely. Because it’s easy to be nice to someone you spend only a minutes with.
If the narcissist has something to gain from being nice, then this may also drive them to keep it up for years. For example, they may be nice to their boss for years, because it’s in their best interests.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists have a lot to gain from pretending to be nice. It gives them the attention and adoration they crave. And helps them get ahead in life. Improving their careers, and attracting lovers and friends. But pretending to be nice may take a sinister twist.
Some narcissists convince their partners and the outside world that they’re nice. And the problems they cause are their victims fault. Or normal relationship problems.
This allows them to repeatedly get away with abusive behaviours, and gaslight their victims. Causing confusion and anxiety, as they frantically try to work out what’s going on. And lament how they keep getting into fights with the narcissist.
Watch how people act, rather than listen to what they say. And always give loved ones the benefit of the doubt if they confide in you about abuse. Whilst there’s two sides to most stories, there’s only one when one of the parties is an abuser.
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The bit about announcing how important their children are resonates with me. My ex, and the mother of my children, found it necessary to answer a public Facebook question âWhat is more important to you than money?â, with âMy childrenâ. My immediate thought was âdoesnât that go without sayingâ. Knowing what I know now it is clear it is for her âfriendsâ to see.
Yes, they often put their children in the confusing position where they criticise them at home, then praise them in front of company.
I’ve noticed, though, that some are better than others at pretending to be nice than others. But even those who are the most skillful at manipulation and practiced at lying eventually give themselves away!