Narcissists are generally exploitative, with a sense of self entitlement over people they’re close to. So it’s not surprising they often monopolise their time.
Most narcissists hate spending time alone. And if you’re close to the narcissist, they’re often determined to spend lots of time with you. Regardless of what you want.
Narcissists often select quieter and more introverted people to spend time with. Then they can dominate proceedings. But these people usually like to spend more lone time than narcissists do. Which develops a conflict of interests.
So narcissists develop tactics to monopolise time. Because they don’t like to take no for an answer. And don’t care what you want. If you learn their tactics, then you’re more prepared to deflect them. And stop them from taking over your life.
Here’s how narcissists monopolise your time…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Invite Themselves
Narcissists sense of entitlement means they expect to spend time with you whenever THEY want. Your needs are irrelevant. Which is why they’re happy to invite themselves to spend time with you, rather than ask. Because if they ask, you might say no. And that’s not the answer they want.
Rather than ask you in a way that allows you to decline, narcissists find ways to TELL YOU they’re spending time with you. Making it difficult to say no.
For example, they may ask if you’re working tomorrow. When you say no, they reply “Oh good, I’ll come over at 7.”
And you’ve probably learnt from past experience that saying no is difficult. Narcissists use techniques such as guilt tripping, playing the victim, pressure and intimidation. And because you’re put on the spot with your stomach churning, you’re more likely to give in. Even if you want to relax alone. And they know this.
Bombard
If you’re close to the narcissist, then they may bombard you with their presence. And if they don’t have much going on, you could see them most days.
Narcissists usually prefer to spend their time in company. They like someone around to give them positive fuel in the form of attention, admiration, and the odd favour thrown in for good measure.
Narcissists lack empathy, so they don’t consider whether this is how you want to spend your days. And even if they did, their sense of entitlement takes precedence. And this can cause BIG problems in your life.
Narcissists are notoriously draining to be around. And when you get a rare day away from them, the last thing you probably want to do is to spend time with anyone. So you spend your time alone, recharging.
This makes you lose contact with people in your life. And you may neglect your hobbies and interests, because you don’t have the time and energy for them. This causes you to “lose yourself”, and allows the narcissist to claim you to themselves.
You’re put in a position where you spend most of your time with them. And when you’re not, you’re recharging. Leaving you on the shelf, ready for when they need you. And this is how they like things.
Surprises
If a narcissist senses you may wriggle out of spending time with them, they may plan a “surprise” for you. They may buy tickets to a concert, or a sporting event for example. Or invite people over you haven’t seen for a while.
And because they’ve made an effort, it’s almost impossible to say no. And on paper it’s a nice gesture, making it even more difficult to decline.
And if you do decline, you can bet the narcissist causes a HUGE argument, and accuses you of being ungrateful. Which monopolises your time anyway. And leaves you feeling awful, wishing you’d gone along with it. And next time you probably will.
Hover Around Your Friends
If you live with the narcissist and invite friends over, they may hover around. Rather than give you space. Narcissists don’t care that you may want some lone time with your pals.
In their mind they’re entitled to spend as much time with you as they please. And either won’t notice, or ignore hints for them to leave.
The narcissist may create an awkward atmosphere, even if they’re polite to your guests. Their looming presence means your friends can’t quite relax. And this deters them from visiting you again. Helping the narcissist monopolise you for themselves.
Deter You From Leaving Them
If the narcissist makes it difficult to have friends over, then you can visit them right? Wrong! The narcissist may also make it difficult for you to visit friends.
The narcissist may decide they’re ill if you’re planning on going out. Or upset over the death of their grandma from 15 years ago. And if you resist, then expect the guilt trips and pity plays.
If the narcissist is particularly devious, they may hide something you need for your outing. Like your car keys or money. Or cause a big argument, distracting you and draining your energy.
Once you’re depleted, the narcissist may then go into nice mode and offer you a drink or a back rub, and encourage you to stay to make things up. Happy the argument is over you agree, and cancel with your friends. And the narcissist gets exactly what they want – your time and attention.
Show Up At Your Door
If you don’t live with the narcissist, then they may show up at your door uninvited. And in this case, the surprise is them!
The narcissist may say they were just passing. But it’s likely it was planned. And when they arrive without warning, it’s difficult to turn them away. And they know this.
Narcissists have a knack of making it difficult to say no. And often push you into a corner where you have to be rude to get your way. Which encourages the more polite of us to take a deep breath, smile, and let them in.
Borrow Things
Some narcissists like to borrow things that are important to you. Then you must contact them if you want them back.
And of course when you contact them, it involves spending time with them. They’ll usually offer to drop the items off. Then root themselves at your home.
And what’s even more frustrating is when they “forget” to bring the item, and have to visit you again!
Leave Things At Your House
In a similar vein, narcissists may leave things at your house. Then of course they need to visit to pick them up. And again may “forget” to take them when they finally leave, and have to visit again.
It’s a good idea to drop them off if you want to retain control. Then you can make your excuses and leave when YOU want. It’s easier to leave their place than it is to kick them out of yours!
Final Thoughts
Narcissists can be frustrating when monopolising your time. They usually have a battery of techniques to take over your life. And if one doesn’t work, they switch to another until they find one that does.
Some narcissists are relentless, and see you as a commodity to use for their needs. And feel entitled to your time whenever they choose.
The only way is to be firm with your boundaries. And turn them away if you don’t want to spend time with them.
I won’t pretend it’s easy, because it’s not. The narcissist may try all the tricks they’ve learned over the years. Finding your weak spot.
Keep in mind what YOU want. You don’t owe anything to anybody. And it’s not your role to look after them. Or babysit them when they’re bored.
There’s no reason to feel guilty for turning them away. They won’t feel guilty for doing the same to you. And they won’t spend time with you if they don’t want to. So, when in Rome…
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Spot on!
Thanks Barbara!
I’m crying as I write this I’m married to a narcissist and I know I need to leave before he has distroyed my whole life the worst thing about these people is they do everything behind others backs so you constantly feel your not believed
Yeh, plus they have a public persona that’s so different to private. But don’t worry what others think. Do what’s right for you Debbie.
Narcissists also monopolize your mental space and energy not just your physical time with them. They get in your head as you mull over exchanges which confused and bewildered you, over things you wished you had said or done instead of what actually happened, over why this person has such an emotional hold on you, etc. etc. etc. That is worse than the actual time you spend with them because it goes on and on even after the relationship has ended.
That’s true Kris. And when you’re in a relationship with them, this means they drain your resources whether they’re with you or not.
This is even worse if you run a family business together. You are made to handle everything else apart from the finances. You literally beg for money which you have really worked for. In my case I was made to account for money for food. Thanks God I am on my 10 months of NO CONTACT. It is such a relief. I am no longer living a miserable life.
Good for you Susan. No contact is almost always the best way to go, if it’s possible.
“Narcissists often select quieter and more introverted people to spend time with.”
Great! Thanks a lot! I happen to be quiet and introverted and thought that being introverted made me more narcissist-proof! But not completely, it seems.
I guess it’s because introverts are “selectively social” so, when an introvert likes to spend time with you it means that you must be a very special person. And narcissists like to feel like they’re special. In fact, they crave it. That must be why they target introverted people.
Some people on Quora think that people with low self-esteem are a target for a narcissist because they’re easy to manipulate and gaslight. Others state that narcissists prefer strong, confident people because it makes them feel good to break them. I think it’s both.
Perhaps Kendra Kessler was right when she said in another of your articles, “they’re coming for us all”.
Thank you Kendra. I will be ready.
Yeh, some like a challenge. But most seem to like someone they perceive as easy to boss around!
When I read the part underneath the caption, “Show Up At Your Door”, I knew just what to do. Just don’t answer the door. That’s what I always did when the JW’s came calling. They were very persistent and would stand and wait for a long time. I’d peep from behind the curtains and see them standing there, determined and patient, hoping I’d need to leave the house eventually. But at least the JW’s wouldn’t scream and curse.
I’m sure that the narcissist wouldn’t give up without a fight, either. But they’d be less patient. They’d keep knocking, very loudly, then resorting to yelling. Walk into the yard, traverse the house and peer through the windows to see if I’m actually at home. Being an introvert, I’d want to avoid an embarrassing scene and just sit quietly, waiting it out. Too bad if I had things to do and places to go. I’d be like the narrator in the song, “Who Can It Be Now?” by the group Men At Work.
“Who can it be knocking at my door. Make no sound, tip-toe across the floor. If he hears, then he’ll knock all day. I’ll be trapped and here I’ll have to stay”.
Don’t answer the door is usually the best decision to take. Then no psychology or negotiation to navigate!