A common complaint I hear from people leaving relationships with narcissists is that they lose themselves. And I can totally relate to this.
By “losing yourself”, I mean losing who you are. Your hobbies and interests go out the window. You stop doing things for yourself. Your dreams and ambitions become distant memories. And you forget who you are. After a while, you shrink into oblivion, whilst the narcissist takes centre stage.
Narcissists are notoriously self absorbed. And they expect you to be the same – but about them. They want you to obsess over them as much as they do. And they often push things too far. To the point where you lose yourself.
Here’s some of the ways narcissists make you lose yourself…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Through Stealth
Narcissists don’t come out the blocks, expecting you to cater for their every need at the start of a relationship. This would be startling, and you’d probably run a mile. Narcissists are more cunning.
They’re usually kind and giving at the beginning of a relationship. They may even consider your needs above theirs. And act like your ideal partner.
Narcissists do this to draw you in, gain your trust, and gain your affection. Once they’ve achieved this, they gradually turn the screw.
The narcissist slowly tests your boundaries to see what they can get away with. They might for example act a little upset you didn’t respond to their message after a few hours. Feeling bad, and maybe flattered, you try to answer them quicker next time. They’ve been good to you, and you don’t want to upset them. But you’re now on the slippery slope.
Over months they gradually turn up the intensity, until eventually you find yourself being yelled at, or getting the silent treatment, because you didn’t answer them immediately.
Narcissists slowly take over your life, bit by bit. So you barely notice it happening. And the more they take over, the more you lose yourself.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is where the narcissist gets you doubting your sense of reality. They might deny things they clearly said or did. Or repeatedly tell you what a bad memory you have. Some have even been known to deliberately move things to convince them they’re more forgetful than they really are.
Once they have you doubting your sense of reality, they convince you to rely on them for a reality check. And they give you their biased view of the world, that’s weighted to their advantage. And if they get their way, you’re led deep into the rabbit hole of their world, abandoning your own.
They might convince you that everybody’s against you. You’re not as clever as you think you are. Or you need to be more aggressive with other people. All of which have their agendas attached.
Hot And Cold
The narcissist may be nice to you some of the time, then nasty for no reason. This leaves you on edge, not sure what to expect.
They do this so you spend most of your time trying to please them. Because their nice side is more pleasant to be around than their nasty side.
This is very subtle manipulation, but it can invade your thoughts. Making you spend most of your time focusing on keeping them happy, at the exclusion of yourself.
Narcissists Talk About Themselves
Narcissists spend most of their conversations talking about themselves. And they expect you to talk about them too.
If you talk about yourself, narcissists find ways to steer the conversation back to them. They might interrupt you, with something “important” about them. Stare at you with a glazed expression, clearly not listening. Or ridicule you until you stop.
You get little conversational floor to discuss things that are important to you. And because you spend a lot of time with the narcissist, you have little opportunity to discuss your own problems, ambitions, thoughts and dreams.
Over time you give up bothering. And once you stop talking about matters concerning you, you stop thinking about them as much. Your thoughts become more concerned with the narcissist and their issues. And yours are pushed to the background.
My ex used to talk about her job the entire night if I let her. And it started driving me crazy. One tactic which worked well was I would say, “Right you’ve got half an hour, until 7PM, to talk about your work, Then that’s it.” I was clear and definite. But I gave her a decent chunk of time. And this worked surprisingly well.
Put A Spanner In The Works
Narcissists don’t like it when you do things for yourself. If you decide you want to go to the gym, start painting, or play the piano, they find ways to put a spanner in the works.
They might ridicule your beginner attempts. Call you selfish. Or claim they think you’re having an affair with your piano teacher. They do this to dissuade you from doing these things for yourself. Narcissists easily get jealous if you do things without them. And fear you might abandon them.
Some narcissists go as far as to put a blatant stop to these things. But even if they don’t, they often make it so difficult, you give up.
Push Their Responsibilities Onto You
Narcissists hate responsibilities. Frankly, the day-to-day running of things are beneath them. Over time they find ways to gradually push their responsibilities onto you.
After a while, you find yourself dealing with almost everything. Whilst they lounge around, pontificating over their greatness.
It’s exhausting taking on their responsibilities, as well as your own. This leaves you little time or energy to focus on yourself. Getting through the day is hard enough. You don’t need frivolous pursuits to add to your ever growing to-do list.
Isolate You
Many narcissists find ways to isolate their significant others. They might convince you to move to a new area where you don’t know anyone. Quit your job. Or bad mouth your friends so you spend less time with them.
Once you’re isolated, you have less like-minded people to bounce off. The narcissists becomes your sole influence. And as I’ve already mentioned, they won’t talk about you.
Erode Your Self Confidence
Many narcissists have a knack of eroding their significant others confidence. They may employ subtle digs, dressed up as “jokes”. Or outright criticise you, if they can get away with it.
They find what they can get away with, and keep doing it. Repeated put downs by a “loved one” takes it’s toll. We humans are suggestible. And repeated negative affirmations affect us.
With your confidence low, you become less energetic, less ambitious, and have less zest for life. And it changes you. It stops you from doing the things you would normally do. And you slowly become a shell of your former self. Hiding from all the things you could be experiencing and exploring.
Final Thoughts
It’s surprising how many people lose themselves during a relationship with a narcissist. But the good thing is you can find yourself again.
If your relationship is over, you can get back out there and live for yourself again. Reconnect with people from your past, and rediscover old hobbies and interests. Over time you can get in the habit of connecting with new people, and discover new hobbies and interests.
If you want to remain in a relationship with the narcissist, then you MUST assert your needs. Because they won’t be automatically granted. Narcissists are self entitled, and they worry when you have a good time without them, as you might leave them.
Give them compliments, and tell them how important they are. Reassure them you’re still there for them. But reiterate that you need to do some things for yourself. Be firm and clear, but don’t get angry.
If you strike the right balance, it’s possible to get them on board. Perhaps set aside a specific day or specific times when it’s “me time”. That way they know to expect it, they’ll be less fearful, and they know it won’t last forever.
Narcissists seem to respond better to specific times because they live in fear of being alone. “I’m going to the gym, I’ll be back by 6 at the latest”, goes down better than “I’ll be back when I’m back.”
Be ready for them to try and put a spanner in the works. Stay as calm as you can, and firmly explain why it’s important to you.
If you can think of a way it benefits them, all the better. For instance, “I want to go to the gym to look my best for you.” Or “Everyone will see what a clever partner you have once I’ve brushed up on my piano skills.”
Whether you choose to stay with the narcissist, or go it alone, make sure you give yourself some time. You NEED it. You can’t be a good partner, parent or any other role, unless you cater for your own needs. For the sake of your sanity, it’s worth the fight.
This Blog Contains Many Free Articles On Narcissism. Please SHARE On Social Media And SIGN UP To My Newsletter For New Articles. Help Spread Awareness And Keep Reading And Learning!
Please CLICK HERE To Learn How To heal From A Narcissist
Or Scroll Down For My Most Popular Posts (Mobile)…
This is a good article, but I wish I could find one that expresses the same ideas without using the word narcissist. It has such a negative connotation that it’s hard for a covert narcissist to read and accept. And it also could leave out the idea that the narc has a true hidden agenda that they are cognizant of. I’m truly convinced that a covert narcissist does not want to be that way and they feel trapped and lonely and want more than anything to get out.
If that one word was replaced I could send an article like to my wife and she might understand the dynamic. She’s admitted, and apologized for many different forms of abuse in our relationship, tells me she loves me, but she can’t come to full acceptance of the damage and what it means to make repairs.
Hello rob,
I was intrigued by your response to
“loosing yourself” I find myself in a similar situation.. I think… I was wondering if you were interested in talking with me about relationships with covert so’s? I’m in the process of finding myself and it’s been harder than ever before, thank you for your time I look forward to hearing from you.
Jess,
Jesstertaylor50@gmail.com