Narcissists spend large portions of their lives either controlling people, or planning to. And over time they develop many strategies. Some are blatant and aggressive. Others are more covert and subtle.

Here’s a run down of common methods narcissists use to control people. Once you learn them, you’re better prepared…

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Narcissists Use Compliments

Most narcissists understand that compliments get them what they want. It’s common for them to “love bomb” at the beginning of a relationship – either romantic or platonic.

“Love bombing” is where they use lots of excessive praise and flattery for a period of time. Their aim is to get you to like them. And in romantic relationships, to fall for them. They often tell you how intelligent you are. How great you look. How you’re soul mates, etc.

Once they feel they have you hooked, the compliments cease. They were only a means to an end.

They may throw out the odd compliment here and there if they feel they’ve pushed things too much. Or if they want something from you.

Narcissists Pressure You Into A Decision

Narcissists like to rush you into a decision, and pressure you. They know you’re more likely to comply if you haven’t thought it through properly.

They don’t care if you want to do this favour. Or if it’s convenient. They just want it done.

I’ve noticed narcissists rarely message asking for a favour. They like to phone or turn up at your door. That puts you under more pressure to say yes.

When they do message, I’ve noticed narcissists message things like “Are you free?” or “What are you doing?”. They’re deliberately vague. They ask if you’re free, so you have less excuse to say no. So if they send you a message like this, tell them how busy you are!

Narcissists Knock Your Self esteem

Narcissists often put people down, especially in romantic relationships. They like to knock your self esteem down a peg or two.

Narcissists know that people low in confidence are more controllable. If you feel worthless and unattractive, you’re more likely to put up with their behaviour. You don’t feel you deserve any better.

Plus you don’t believe you can find anyone else. Narcissists like you to think their crappy behaviour is the best you can expect.

Narcissists can be patient, and spend years gradually chipping away at your self esteem.

Narcissists Use Punishment And Reward

Some narcissists use punishment for behaviours they want to discourage, and reward for behaviours they want to encourage.

Punishments might include silent treatment, bad moods, withholding sex or affection, put downs, threats, withholding money etc.

Rewards are usually the opposite – affection, compliments, money, gifts etc.

Narcissists hope to condition you to adhere to the behaviours they want. Basic psychology shows conditioning works.

Narcissists Play The Victim

Narcissists LOVE playing the victim. They like to create a situation where you feel they can’t survive without you. And you feel responsible for looking after them.

Then you feel guilty when you don’t comply with their requests. For example, a narcissist friend may pretend to feel depressed or suicidal to gain attention. “I need to see you now. I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t come over.”

Once they know you feel responsible for them, they play on it.

Selection

Narcissists often select people they deem more controllable when choosing friends or partners. They generally like to control and dominate their relationships. So they choose someone who’s more likely to allow them to do this. The more easy going and giving types.

If you keep attracting narcissists in your life, then you might need to toughen up on your boundaries.

Persuade You To Move To A Different Area

Narcissist often persuade their partners to move to a new area, away from their friends and family. That way you spend a bigger portion of your time with them. They then hold more influence over you.

It also makes you more dependant on them. Having few friends or family around makes you need them more. And they know this.

Isolate You from Friends And Family

If a narcissist doesn’t move you out the area, they have other methods of isolating you. They might persuade you to quit your job. Or get insanely jealous when you visit friends and family.

Their insane jealousy may leave you thinking it’s not worth the hassle spending time with others. And over time you lose touch with people.

Narcissists Persuade You To Have Children

This is a favourite for narcissist men in particular. Get their partner pregnant. This serves two purposes…

First your freedom is naturally restricted once you have a child. Narcissist men rarely take the lead in child care duties. So you’re limited to where you can go and what you can do.

And second it’s more difficult to exclude the narcissist from your life once you have children together. Narcissists know that even if you split up, they can pop in out of of your life whenever they want, “for the sake of the children.”

Repetition

Narcissists often use repetition to drum their messages in.

For instance, a narcissist might feel threatened by a particular friend of yours. So they repeatedly bad mouth them on any fault they can find.

Over time this is drummed into your brain. Especially if these messages are repeated daily, for years. Eventually they DO sink in.

Intimidation

Narcissists often use intimidation as a control tactic. They might use hints, such as “Lord knows what I’d do if you ever left me.” Or more direct threats.

A frightened person is more likely to do as they’re told. If a narcissist smells fear, they play on it.

Bad Moods

Narcissists often go into really obvious bad moods. This is to create a situation where people feel they’re “walking on eggshells” around them.

They know people feel uncomfortable when they’re in a bad mood. And they try to please the narcissist to get them in a better mood. This makes them highly controllable.

Narcissists Use Religion

So called “religious” narcissists are fully prepared to abuse their faith to gain control over others. They may use certain passages in their holy book to show why you must do something. And bend them to fit what they want.

Some make up what’s supposedly written. And rely on you not knowing or checking. And if you challenge them, you find your self going round in circles.

Religious narcissists are quick to pull you when you’re not adhering to the faith. But are more lax when it comes to themselves. At least when they think no one’s watching. Look what they do, rather than listen to what they say!

Gaslighting

Some narcissists deliberately use gaslighting as a form of control. This is where they get you to question your sense of reality.

For example, the narcissist might be adamant you didn’t see them leaving the pub, when you clearly did. And they stick to their version of events even though you blatantly saw each other.

Some narcissists use gaslighting deliberately. They know they can get away with ANYTHING if they can manipulate you to question your sense of reality. They just have to point out “You always forget things” or “You always think you’ve seen things”.

Some narcissists gaslight unintentionally, or recklessly. They do this by denying, blaming, or lying. They may not be deliberately trying to alter your sense of reality. But their consistent deceptions have the same affect.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists spend years developing and refining manipulation tactics. Some become super expert. By learning their common manipulation tactics, you can more easily spot them when.

Nice people like you and I may find it difficult to believe that people deliberately manipulate in these devious ways. Especially to their supposed “loved ones”. But trust me, they do!

I naively thought that people didn’t really act like this. And ignored my gut feelings. But I’ve learned the hard way.

Narcissists will look you in the face and lie, if it gets them what they want. They don’t care that you’re their “nearest and dearest”. Or the damage they cause.

Listen to your gut feeling. If something feels off, then it usually is.

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