Narcissists have a social disability. They lack emotional empathy and their personality is disordered.
Narcissists personalities are built on shaky foundations. And for the best will in the world, you WON’T cure them.
But you can manage them. That way they’re easier to deal with. And your life with the narcissist can be more harmonious. Or at least less unruly!
Here’s some tactics to help you get the best out of narcissists…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Trade Favours
Most of us have an automatic balancing mechanism in our minds. When someone does us a favour, we feel we need to pay them back. It might not be straight away, but we’re aware when someone has been good to us. And we jump at the chance to help them back in the future.
Narcissists don’t have this mechanism. They’re happy to take and take.
With neurotypicals, you probably work in a way where you trust they’ll do something for you at some point. And it all naturally balances in the long run. But you have to treat narcissists differently.
If they want a favour, ask them for one in return. And insist on yours first.
If they receive your favour first, they’re likely to either forget, or ignore the favour they owe you. By insisting on their favour first, you ensure some degree of fairness.
This can massively improve your relationship. You feel better around them, and not like you’re giving all the time. And they respect you more.
Of course you don’t need to do this every time. But it’s worth implementing every now and then. It helps you gain their respect. And stops you feeling things are one-sided.
Narcissists Care About Their Image More Than People
Narcissists want to be adored by the world in general. They care what the public think about them. More than their own family and friends! But you can play on this.
For example say the narcissist always races off ahead whilst everyone struggles to keep up. If you tell the narcissist this is hard work, they won’t care. “You should walk faster.”
But if you tell them that people see this and think they don’t care about their family. Then you have their attention!
Find ways to appeal to their crave for universal adoration, when making requests. “Everyone will see how great you are!”
Don’t Just Criticise
Narcissists don’t want to hear criticism. And if they won’t listen, what’s the point?
If you do give criticism, you have to find ways of being ultra gentle. And spinning it into a positive. Then you bypass their ego so they take it on board.
One tactic is to sandwich criticisms between compliments. Start with a compliment. Gently criticise. Then compliment again.
“You’re a strong leader. But sometimes people feel intimidated by you. I think they’ll see what a great leader you are if you’re a bit gentler with them.”
This example tells them how strong a leader they are. And gently says people are intimidated by them. It doesn’t place the blame on the narcissist. Then it suggests a way of making people realise what a great leader they are. What narcissist doesn’t want more people to realise how great they are?!
This will be much better received than saying “Stop being bossy to everyone!”
Compliments
Narcissists NEED to be adored. And are constantly on the look out for praise and admiration.
The odd compliment sprinkled here and there helps grease the wheels when dealing with a narcissist. And can placate them for a while.
If you want them to do something for you, tell them how good they are at it. They feel good, and want to show off how good they are.
For instance a wife of a narcissist may say to her husband, “Can you tell the kids? They listen to you because you have a better aura of authority.”
The narcissist puffs out their chest with pride, and goes and tells the kids!
When he’s done this, compliment him for being such a good parent. Then he’s likely to do this again in the future.
Make Them Think It Was Their Idea
Narcissists are much more compliant doing something if they think it was their brilliant idea. So you can plant a seed and then tell them what a brilliant idea it is! Then sit back and watch them carry out their (your!) plan.
Learn When To Back Away
Most narcissists treat you nice when they’re getting to know you. But once they’re more familiar, they unveil their narcissistic behaviours. This is VERY common.
I’ve had a lot of success with utilising this pattern with narcissist friends…
When they start to unleash their narcissist side, I’ve backed off for a while. I’ve stayed away and kept them at arms length. When some time has passed, I’ve re established contact.
I’ve found they go back to the initial “love bombing” stage where they’re nice to be around. This won’t last for ever. So when I notice their narcissistic side comes out again, I back off again for a while.
It’s important YOU re establish contact, and not them. If they establish contact, they’ll probably devalue you pretty quickly. Because they feel they have control over the situation. In their mind, they MADE you spend time with them.
If you initiate contact, they respect you and your boundaries more. They know you are capable of initiating and rescinding contact. So they want to please you to keep the contact going.
Ignore Their Subtle Put Downs
Narcissists WILL subtly put you down every now and then. If you were to pull them up every time, you’d be constantly bickering. And who wants that?
Sometimes it’s best to ignore them. And act like they’ve not said anything. Remind yourself that their put downs are about their issues, not yours.
If they get really bad, calmly remove yourself from the situation. Narcissists don’t like attention being taken away. They’d much prefer you stay and argue. Removing yourself gives you the upper hand. And they’ll think twice about pushing you so far next time.
Don’t Let Them Take Over Your Life
If you let them, a narcissist WILL take over your life. They see those closest to them as an extension to themselves. And your role is to satisfy what they want. Narcissists don’t consider you also have needs and wants.
You MUST remember to take time out for yourself. To do things YOU want to do. If you don’t, you can descend into a world of anxiety and depression.
Make plans for yourself and stick to them. And don’t buy into their emotional blackmail. Remember, it’s not your job to look after them.
Be Positive
Don’t just focus on their negative traits. Try to see their qualities and focus on them. Remember, they are damaged people. And most narcissists DO have some good qualities.
You can’t change a narcissist. But you can change your attitude towards them. This can make a huge difference to your interactions.
Learn When To Walk Away
If a narcissist is being abusive, or affecting you too much mentally, then it might be time to step away for good.
Whilst it might not be their fault they have this condition, it’s not yours either. If you feel they are ruining your life and your happiness, then you must question whether you should part ways.
Ultimately you are responsible for YOUR health and happiness. Not theirs.
Final Thoughts
You can’t wait for a narcissist to be the bigger person and initiate more healthy behaviours. It won’t happen. YOU must rise above if you want to get the best out of them.
Be positive and accept them for who they are. They can’t and won’t change. But YOU can change and help them get the best out of themselves.
It’s not easy, and you’ll still have moments where you want to throttle them. But if you learn these techniques, and develop some of your own, you can live a far more harmonious life around a narcissist.
If things become unmanageable over a period of time, then you have every right to question whether you should continue with them in your life. It’s YOUR life and your choice.
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I think this advice would be very good if you were in a position where it wasn’t possible or feasible to go no contact on the narc, e.g. the narc was a work colleague, you were a manager dealing with an employee with exceptional skills who is good at their job despite (or even because of) their narcissistic traits, or caring for a narcissistic relative and feeling that it was against your moral code to abandon them.
But for any kind of relationship that depends on some reciprocity, such as a friend or a significant other, then no. It would be more trouble than it’s worth for me. It wouldn’t be long for me to take time to myself, as per your advice, and simply never return. Even if I did follow your advice to the letter, the fact remains that I still can’t comfortably and safely be myself around a narcissistic friend or partner. I’d always have to choose my words carefully. Not worth it.
Totally agree Trisha. Some people don’t have much choice but to have a narcissist in their life. So they’ve got to make the best out of it. But if there’s a choice, then yes I would say it should be seriously questioned whether it’s worth it.
And if the other narcissist wasn’t on drugs and constantly paranoid, hell idk. You know everything
You literally know EVERYTHING about me. I know nothing about you. You’ve told me so many lies about losing your job, and any boss of a regular job would have definitely fired you. There’s shit I want to know about you and I’ve wanted to ask but you stay high asf all the time! Or was that another lie? What kind of magazine salesman can hack a damn phone? It’s got me thinking your job is in sales just not magazines. Wtfever. I’m taking a fucking charge and keeping your name out of it. I’ll keep reading this stuff because I thought I was just empathetic. Now I’ll think about it. And I know the paper was in my music box, idk wtf you would take it. No relationship will ever work with drugs involved.
Thank you. I appreciate this insight as I have a narcissistic mother and most just give me the advice that you can’t be in a relationship with one, that the only solution is to cut off all contact.
Yeh I wrote this because sometimes it’s not possible to go no contact. Or you still want some contact. Narcissists CAN be pleasant at times. Especially if you learn how to manage them better.
Excellent read
Thanks Christina!