Narcissists aren’t interested in you. They’re interested in how you can serve their needs.

Narcissists like to mould people into certain roles. They usually need attention, someone to feel sorry for them, someone to tell them how great they are, and someone to do things for them.

If these needs are unmet, narcissists look to find someone to satisfy them. And they’re prepared to force a round peg into a square hole.

Narcissists happily change someone to provide what they need.

Here’s some ways narcissists change people to satisfy their needs…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Narcissists Change Your Appearance

Narcissists may like their partners to be attractive at first. And show off their latest “hot stuff”. But quickly they feel threatened.

Narcissists know an attractive partner is less likely to put up with them, and cater for their needs. Attractive people have more opportunity to move on. So they sometimes work to change them into being less attractive.

They use several tactics to dissuade them from dressing nice, getting a flattering new haircut, going to the gym etc.

They may ridicule a new look. Stop giving money if they control the purse strings. Or accuse you of having an affair when you look good. This encourages you dress down so you don’t get a hard time.

Keep You In A State Of Anxiety

Narcissists don’t want confident, calm and self reliant people in their lives. They want people who are anxious, self doubting, with low self esteem.

That way they’re more controllable. And more willing to meet their needs. So they work to change you into an anxious person.

Narcissists use numerous tactics to keep people anxious. They display unpredictable behaviour, designed to keep you on edge. Create drama and conflict around you. And learn what buttons to press to unsettle you.

When they sense you’re calm and confident, they do something to disrupt this. I’ve
written more about how narcissists keep others in a state of anxiety
here.

Gaslight

Narcissists often gaslight people they’re close to. This is where they do or say things to undermine their confidence in themselves. So they no longer trust their own judgement. Which allows the narcissist to control the narrative, and therefore control them.

The narcissist may deliberately lie about past events. And claim you remembered them wrong. Which allows them to create the impression you can’t trust your memory.

They may repeatedly call you crazy. And drum this message in until you believe it.

Gaslighting causes people to be less self assured. And therefore more dependant on others.

Tell You What They Need

Sometimes narcissists jump out the blocks at the beginning of relationships, and state what they need.

They may for example say they need someone sensible to keep them grounded. This might seem like a moment of honest reflection. But really it’s assigning this role…

“I’m going to do whatever I want. And you’re gonna be the sensible one who picks up the pieces.”

Narcissists Mould You Into Their Rescuer

Narcissists like to play the victim. And use people as rescuers. Then they gain attention and favours. “Help poor me.”

They try to find someone who’s naturally a rescuer. But failing that, they mould someone into one.

To do this, the narcissist punishes failure to rescue them. They might guilt trip, give the silent treatment, or openly chastise.

“You know I get lonely. Why didn’t you come and see me?”

They steer you to the role of their saviour. And get you in the habit of rescuing them when the need arises. And the need arises often!

Narcissists Put You In A Box

Narcissists are quick to put significant others in a box. And give them labels such as “shy” or “not confident”. And repeat these over and over.

They drum their label into your head through repetition. And convince you this is who you are.

They might help you work round your “problem”. Such as saying, “It’s OK, I’ll deal with the salesman. I know you’re not very confident.”

But really this is to de-power you. It keeps you down and locked in your box. Subservient to them. And they know this.

Watch how annoyed they get if you grab the reins
and say, “It’s OK. I’ll do it. I need to learn.” They don’t like
it one bit!

“Breaking Up” With You

Some narcissists “break up” if you’re not behaving how they want. Then “forgive” soon after.

But they’re not breaking up. Really it’s punishment for not behaving as they want.

They keep doing this until you relent, and act like you’re supposed to. It’s a technique similar to conditioning. Like in Pavlov’s dogs.

They often break up for spurious reason. You might have been busy for a few days and not able to see them. Or not asked how high when they told you to jump.

After a while you learn what’s expected to keep them from breaking up with you. And change how you behave.

Narcissists Criticise And Ridicule

Narcissists also use conditioning to change behaviours by criticising and ridiculing.

If you don’t behave how they want, they dish out criticisms and ridicules as punishment. They know they make you uncomfortable. And they know you want to avoid this discomfort in the future.

Over time, they gradually steer your behaviour towards what they want.

Remove Your Influences

Some narcissists isolate their significant others from their close family and friends. Particularly if they suspect they might undo their hard work, and encourage independent thought. Heaven forbid!

Removing you from influences allows the narcissist to more easily shape you into what THEY want.

Many persuade significant others to move area or quit their jobs. Or criticise their friends and convince them they’re no good. Some fill their time so much, they don’t have opportunity to see anyone.

Once the narcissist has you all to themselves, they can exert more influence. And shape you into the person they want you to be.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists aren’t interested in allowing you to be yourself. They have needs to be met. And work hard to change you into the person to meet them.

Part of the fun of a normal relationship is learning about each other. And growing together. But a narcissist just wants their narcissistic needs met. And they’re prepared to change you to achieve this.

Many people who leave relationships with narcissists notice a loss of their sense of self. They feel they don’t know who they are. What they like. And what they want from life.

The good news is you CAN rediscover yourself. It takes time, but look at it as an exciting adventure.

Reconnect with old friends. Get back into old hobbies. And discover new friends and new hobbies.

Slowly but surely you can find yourself. And learn to love yourself and the world around you. It takes time. But every day you’re away from the narcissist, it’s another step forward.

Be positive, and enjoy rediscovering yourself, and the world around you. Leaving a narcissist might seem scary at first. But you’ll soon feel a weight lifted from your shoulders. You’re finally free to be yourself again. Get out there, be yourself, and live!

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