No matter what the argument, narcissists HAVE to be right! The argument could be about something trivial, such as your favourite actors middle name. Or a more serious relationship issue.
Narcissists aren’t interested in finding the truth. They want to win.
Winning keeps alive their delusions they’re āperfectā and āsuperiorā. Losing to a mere mortal like you shatters this. So they fight tooth and nail to avoid it.
Arguments are often about power. And narcissists ALWAYS want the upper hand in relationships.
The narcissist sees nothing wrong with you working a 12 hour shift, and coming home to cook for them. When you object, they don’t want to lose their position of power. So they fight, and fight dirty.
Narcissists aren’t interested in equality. They want to keep as much advantage as they can. So they develop many tricks to āwinā arguments. And keep you in your place at the bottom of the food chain.
Here’s some of the narcissists arguing tactics to look out for…
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Blame You
Narcissists are masters at switching blame to you. They find reasons why everything’s your fault. You drove them to it. Or other vague reasons.
If they struggle finding a reason to blame you, they’ll blame you for something completely unrelated.
āWhy did you take that Ā£20 from the table?ā. āWell what about you, burning my t-shirt with the iron?!ā
It doesn’t have to make sense. A narcissist clings to ANYTHING to be right!
Crying
A common tactic of female narcissists is to turn on the tears. They know most people don’t want to upset others. And back down once the tears flow.
These are the cliched ācrocodile tearsā. Most female narcissists know how to turn on the tears at will. It’s a VERY useful life skill for them to develop.
Accuse You Of Not Listening
When you stick to your guns, narcissists often accuse you of ānot listeningā to them. In their mind they’re ALWAYS right. So if you disagree, you mustn’t be listening.
In a similar vein, they may accuse you of ānot thinking about it properlyā or something similar. This implies that if you WERE thinking about it properly, you’d agree with them.
Narcissists Twist the Facts
Narcissists are happy to bend the truth to fit their version of events. Especially if this proves them right, and you wrong.
It’s frustrating hearing them blatantly twisting facts, and rewriting history. āI never said that…” Not only that, but in the heat of an argument, it can be very confusing.
Be Vague
Narcissists sometimes resort to being vague. They might say things like āYou wouldn’t understand.ā and not elaborate.
Or spout nonsense about something they think they know more about than you. Hoping to confuse you with long words. Even if they don’t understand it themselves!
Narcissists Deliberately Antagonise
If a narcissist feels they may lose an argument, they sometimes pull this ace out their sleeve.
The narcissist goes on the offensive to wind you up. They usually know which buttons to press to provoke a reaction from you.
Once you shout, swear, or react emotionally, they’ve got you.
When you’re emotional, you don’t think clearly. And the narcissist knows this. They can now muddy the waters and turn it into a childish argument. One where you hurl insults at each other.
This is playing into their hands. Because arguments like this never resolve anything. And the narcissist doesn’t want resolution. They want things to continue in the unequal way they are.
Shift The Focus Of The Argument
Another tactic a narcissist uses is to switch the argument to something else.
If they’ve managed to antagonise you, it’s easier for them to switch the argument without you noticing. Emotion clouds your thought processes. And by stealth they switch the argument to something they know they’ll win.
A classic is when you swear at them when being antagonised. They switch the focus of the argument to be about your insult. āThere’s no need to call me that.ā Then the argument becomes about what you called them. And the real argument is forgotten.
Get Offended
Even if you don’t swear, the narcissist may still find something to get offended about. They may deliberately take things you say the wrong way. So they can focus on this. Even if you clearly didn’t mean what they claim.
Even if you’re incredibly careful, narcissists still find ways to get offended. They might claim they didn’t like your tone or body language. And this can be incredibly difficult to prove. because these things are open to interpretation.
Intimidation
Some narcissists resort to threatening language or behaviour to win an argument. A small percentage become physically violent.
Some do this deliberately to win the argument. Others out of frustration because their delusions of control and omnipotence are challenged.
Gaslight
Sometimes a narcissist resorts to calling you ācrazyā to get you doubting your take on reality. Tell you what a bad memory you have. Or accuse you of being ājealousā. This is known as gaslighting.
Convincing you to doubt your sense of reality gives them the upper hand in EVERY situation. Whenever they feel they’re losing an argument, they can pull this out the bag. So don’t allow them to be the narrator of your reality.
Storm Out
When they’re feeling the heat, some narcissists make a run for the door – literally. Narcissists know if they storm out, they’ve retained some control. They’ve controlled when to end the argument.
And they can’t āloseā the argument if they’re not around. So you gain zero ground.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists aren’t interested in an adult debate. They want to be right. That way they retain their delusions of superiority. Plus they don’t concede ground in the relationship.
When arguing with a narcissist, it’s important not to become emotionally involved. I understand this is easier said than done.
Narcissists try every trick in the book to draw you into a messy row. Or steer things to another topic. That way the original argument is blurred. And the narcissist isn’t held accountable.
Stay as calm as you can. Take a few slow deep breaths. And keep in mind the point of what you’re saying.
As tempting as it may be, don’t put them down or be condescending. They’re not going to listen if you do. YOU have to be the bigger person.
Stay calm, rational, and on point. And you have a chance of being heard.
If you can, include a compliment. That makes them much more receptive. And gives you a chance they see things your way.
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Thank you so true.
I (unknowingly, with our daughter,) we both fawned. …Pkease be careful of this. It is why women stay and how they find best to stay, until it becomes lethal…
I wish all these types would separate…and then just watch how quickly (and how loooong!) the abuser becomes MORE than a pw NPD. Psychopathy often follows…
(We just want to survive, after 20 years of marriage…) šš„š
Narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum like most other mental illnesses. Lately it seems to be a fad to call everyone who may show any of these traits a Narcissistic. Just about every single person has one or some of the traits above. I know being close to an actual narcissists is at best emotionally draining and at worst Could end up with someone dying. However, so can all these articles pin pointing traits that we all have as a sign of mental illness. For example. We are all overly jealous at times and act on that Jealousy. We all want to feel like the special one at times, and sometimes we over react according that feeling as well. Most importantly we all have different roles we assign in our head to those we like and love. It is natural. Itās probably the one the reasons of our society can be so organized. A Hierarchy Of some sort exists in all cultures. Those hierarchies in many cultures are living breathing things changing over time becoming more inclusive in some and unfortunately less inclusive in others. This behavior we see at the society level is a reflection of the people who make up that society.
Iām not trying to down play what a True narcissist can do to a person/people. But there are more Articles written about this subject by armchair Researchers than actually articles by mental health professionals. They are all over the place. I canāt remember the last time a day went by when I havenāt seen some sort of article about dealing with or getting away from a narcissist. While getting away from a true narcissist is with out a doubt the best thing one can do for themselves. These articles have created a culture that āassignsā that diagnosis to anyone that a persons may have had a really bad relationship (from coworkers to best friends and partners). It actually is allowing people to give in to the narcissist inside of us all.
A few years ago it was popular for the layperson to assign bipolar disorder to others and before that it was popular to jokingly say āIām just a little bipolarā in response to ones own irrational behavior. Which is actually less productive than walking around saying āI have Coronavirusā. At least then more people would give you the distance thatās needed to keep others save.
Mental health problems are a very real problem in this world. And one thing that is never said about narcissists is that they are in fact mentally ill. We are under no obligation to stay near a person that feeds of us, or a person that we just plain donāt like. There is no reason and it is of no benefit to society for us to fulfill our need to not feel guilty about distancing ourselves from people we donāt get along with. If you have a friend, coworker or acquaintance that mixes like oil and water with you it is not a sign that one or both of you are narcissists. Believe it or not 90% of your exes are NOT narcissists…the relation was volatile because we are all assholes in some way.
Mental health disorders are treated like AIDS was treated in the early 1980s. Every sick person whether the illness in physical or mental deserves compassion. Narcissists are with out a doubt the hardest to help. They are on a par with someone suffering with addiction. The first step in the treatment of any mental illness is accepting that you have one. It is very hard to do that when society stigmatizes the mentally ill. One could go as far to say that doing so is very narcissistic. It is hard to heal from any illness with out compassion. If you feel the closest you can get compassion is distancing yourself from someone you cannot possibly get along with thatās understandable. There is no need to label someone as ill. We are all unbearably offensive to someone. It is usually a sub clinical trait and as human as it gets. If you are in a relation ship with a true narcissist and they are fixated on you, get away. Get far away. But that person is that way because they were criminally neglected and/or abused. As offensive as they are to you narcissism comes from a place of pain that in most cases goes far beyond the way they make you feel. They had no way to get away. They could not advocate for themself because there was no one around who would listen in the first place. If there was it would have been dangerous to advocate for themselves. Narcissists were raised by narcissists. Their narcissism was in the making from day one. It is not your responsibility to deal with it. 99% of people arenāt equipped emotionally or professionally to deal with or try to help a narcissists. It is okay to leave. It is best you leave. But if you do so with a compassionate mind and heart you will heal faster and maybe so will that narcissists. Lie with other personality disorders narcissists donāt know there is something wrong with them. It is beyond denial. They donāt even realize the kind of pain they are in. Picture them as the child they were when it all began, and walk away knowing that you are okay while wanting them to be/get okay. There is no need to scour the internet for validation on severing your ties with a toxic relationship. But if your are in real danger do not worry about being compassionate towards anyone until you are safe. Let the compassion come when your are ready to heal. The point Iām trying to make with having compassion for others is, For the most part, best said my the Buddha to King Pasenadi and Queen MallikÄ:
Searching all directions
with your awareness,
you find no one dearer
than yourself.
In the same way, others
are dear to themselves.
So you shouldnāt hurt others
if you love yourself.
Thanks for your comment Mark. I agree people with NPD should be treat with compassion, like everyone else should be. I’ve worked professionally with many sufferers over the past 18 years. And we work with them patiently and compassionately. With an understanding of why they do some of the things they do.
Understanding their behaviours helps us work with them much better. And not be as “offended” and therefore hostile by some of the things they say and do. I’ve written an article about getting the best out of narcissists, which can be found at this link – http://narcissisms.com/how-to-get-the-best-out-a-narcissist/ Also another about coping better with them in the workplace – http://narcissisms.com/how-to-cope-with-a-narcissist-in-your-workplace/
I’m not here to encourage hate towards them. But that said, I feel it’s also important to discuss the realities of narcissists and their behaviours. More than probably any other mental illness, NPD affects others in a detrimental way. And can cause long lasting psychological damage to those around them. The more aware narcissists I’ve talked to know and accept this.
Many people who were or are in relationships with narcissists don’t even realise it. And from reading up on their behaviours they can identify that they may be dealing with one. And this is important. Narcissists are often very adept at blending in. And largely appearing to be neurotypical. They have a range of tactics to achieve this, and some are damaging, such as blaming their own behaviours on others, and gas lighting.
Many experts believe that although around 1% of the population are diagnosed with NPD, there are more likely to be about 5-7% that actually suffer from it. That’s a lot of damaged people undiagnosed. And a lot of people that can potentially harm others.
Whilst I agree that lay people cannot go around diagnosing people, for the sake of self empowerment, it helps some people tremendously. It helps with the healing of past relationships, if they were blamed for everything that went on. It helps those that were gas lighted for years, who did not realise what was really going on.
The mental health system is simply not picking up on many NPD sufferers and helping them or their loved ones.
Whilst I agree the sufferers of NPD should be treated with compassion, so should the victims.
Narcissists often abuse in subtle physiological ways. And you can fooled into not realising you were abused. This hampers peoples recovery. More information and awareness helps. It’s helped me tremendously with my own healing. And I know it’s helped plenty of others.
I do agree that there should be no hate towards people with NPD. They have a mental illness. And hating them only adds fuel to the fire. We have a choice once we realise what we’re dealing with. To find ways to manage them, or to go no contact. I just hope that in the future the mental health system becomes more able to identify and help these people. But at the moment they seem a long way off. Which is why people are flocking for content about narcissism.