It’s common for partners of narcissists to be in an almost constant flight or fight mode. And sadly this can continue long after the relationship ends.
Narcissists erratic behaviours keep us on edge. And their gaslighting and manipulations creates almost constant confusion.
Some narcissists deliberately push us into flight or fight mode. Because they know it makes us more controllable. Plus when you’re in survival mode, thriving is the least of your worries. So it keeps you down, so you don’t outshine the narcissist.
You may notice that when you’re relaxed and minding your own business, the narcissist has to create drama. They may create an argument for no reason. Or prod and poke at you to get a reaction. If you look out for it, or think back to your past, you may see that the narcissist didn’t like it when you were relaxed.
I’ve spent several years working on calming my central nervous system, to lift me out of flight or fight mode. Here’s some of the things that personally helped me. Please feel free to share things that helped you in the comments at the end…
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Slow Deep Breathing
Slow deep breathing is often overlooked, because it isn’t sexy, and no one makes money from it. Yet it’s an incredibly convenient and powerful tool for relaxation.
When you feel unsettled, take a few slow deep breaths in through your nose, pause for a second, then push the breath out through pursed lips. Do this several times and feel yourself calming with each out breath.
Try this right now to start the habit, and see what happens. You should immediately feel more settled.
The beauty of deep breathing is that it’s free, and requires no equipment. Plus you can do it anywhere, and no one knows you’re doing it.
Meditation
Meditation is great for keeping your mind relaxed, and present in the here and now. Rather than worrying about the past and future. Plus it gives your body a nice rest.
Meditation needn’t be complicated. Simply lying down with your eyes closed and counting your breaths helps take you out of flight or fight mode.
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Yoga
Yoga has helped release physical tension that was stored in my body. Particularly around my hips and lower back.
Years of being around narcissists builds up tension in our mind and body. And yoga is a great tool for releasing it.
Yoga also teaches us how to stay calm in stressful situations. Because holding some yoga poses is physically challenging. But it’s easier when you keep your breathing slow and controlled, and stay in the moment.
This lesson translates into day-to-day life, when facing challenging situations. Rather than fight against the pain, you learn to flow with it. And everything is easier to handle.
A Cleaner Diet
I find that eating less processed foods and refined sugars helps me feel more settled. It turns out that gut health is vital to our mental well being.
When we feel unsettled, it’s usually our gut that feels it. So if you have toxic foods in your system, your gut won’t feel optimal. And this creates anxious and unsettled feelings.
Limit Caffeine
I’ve cut down to one cup of coffee a day. Because too much caffeine makes me feel jittery.
My one coffee is usually in the late morning. So it gives me a kick start for the day. Plus there’s plenty of time for it to leave my system when it’s time to sleep.
I realise that one coffee a day is difficult for some people. But any reduction helps. Even if you cut down from 5 to 2 or 3.
To compensate, I buy really good coffee, and focus on quality over quantity. And because I only drink one, I enjoy it more than ever.
Regular Exercise
Regular exercise has helped me feel more settled and positive about the future. Instead of declining, I’m actually improving. Even at my advanced age!
Exercise needn’t be fancy. Just find something you enjoy doing. Whether it’s going to the gym, playing a sport, or even going for a walk. (Extra bonus points for walks in nature!)
If you enjoy the exercise, you’re more likely to stick to it. Which is important, since consistency is key.
Monitor Your Thoughts
Spend some time monitoring your thoughts, and listen to what pops up. When a negative thought appears, dismiss it.
I find it helps to be playful about this. So I might tell myself off in a joking way, and say things like “Stop being so daft!”, and “You’re at it again!”.
This helps keep me in a positive frame of mind. Which is a more settling place to be.
CBD Oil
At the time of writing I’ve recently started using CBD oil spray. This is where you spray CBD oil under your tongue, so it quickly enters the blood stream.
Although it’s early days, I definitely feel calmer, both physically and mentally. And my sleep has improved too.
My mind used to be constantly racing. But that seems to have reduced. So I can better settle and relax. Rather than feel that I have to constantly be doing something.
I’ve done a quick Google on CBD oil, and it seems well established that it helps calm the nervous system. And it certainly feels that way so far.
Avoid Toxic People
Finally, avoid toxic people. I’ve cut many people out of my life who bring drama and chaos. And I justify it like this…
Why should I suffer for someone else’s benefit? Especially when they wouldn’t do the same for me. I’m my priority, just like they are theirs. Keeping them in my life benefits them, not me. It actually holds me back.
If you can’t cut a toxic person out, then keep them arms length. Then you minimise the harm they cause.
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