Christmas is a strange time for narcissists. They may enjoy the lavish gifts, the drinking and the eating. But they often don’t enjoy the other side of Christmas.
Christmas is a time for families to get together. To wrap presents and drink hot chocolate by the warm fire. Bonding and show love for one another. But narcissists don’t usually like this part.
Narcissists struggle to truly bond with those closest to them. Their impaired empathy makes it difficult to fully connect. Leaving them not knowing how to act. And feeling their disconnect, whilst jealously watching others enjoying each others company.
This can cause narcissists to act up, or act strange. Because they don’t want people to know their secret internal struggles.
The more overt narcissists struggle not being the centre of attention. And when there’s lots of people, there’s more competition. So they may act up when the crowds arrive, to grab the spotlight. Negative attention is usually better than nothing for narcissists. So they may cause trouble to claim centre stage.
Narcissists don’t all behave the same over Christmas. But there’s many common behaviours I’ve noticed over the years. In this article I’ll talk about some of the behaviours I’ve observed, plus why they do these things.
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Invite People Round, Then Ignore Them
I remember being on the receiving end of this with my ex mother-in-law. She invited us round for Christmas at 11am. When we arrived she was clearly in a bad mood, because her sister-in-law was not available to help her, when she assumed she would be.
We literally sat around for several hours doing nothing, as her and my ex father-in-law did odd jobs and went out to run errands. It felt like just another day. It was not until the evening that any Christmas celebrations started. So why invite us round so early if they weren’t celebrating?
She had a habit of doing things like this. She’d invite us round and then not be in. Then expect us to wait in her house until she decided to come home.
I’m pretty sure this was a power game. Get people waiting until their fabulous self decides to grace them with their majestic presence. By making you wait around, the narcissist establishes their superiority. Both to themselves, and to you. They are above you, which is why you must wait for them.
Ruin It For Everyone
Some narcissists opt to ruin Christmas. This can be for a few reasons.
Some narcissists are “too cool for school”. Narcissists like to think they’re superior. So some act like nothing is good enough, which can really put a bummer on proceedings. They may criticise the food, the decorations, or the gifts. And although they probably barely contributed, in their mind they’d have done a much better job.
Narcissists don’t really know how to bond with their loved ones. So some act up to cover this. They might wind the children up, or a sensitive adult, so they react to their provocations. The narcissist then expertly places the blame on how they reacted, and convinces everyone that the other person is to blame. This provides a handy smoke screen for their own behaviours, because everyone is looking at the accused.
Other narcissists act up to be the centre of attention. If they feel things aren’t revolving around them, then they might cause an argument or two, just so that everyone is focussed on them. Or go into a sulk, making everyone walk on egg shells.
Get Hopelessly Drunk
Some narcissists deal with Christmas by getting hopelessly drunk. They know that drinking acts as a cover for their behaviours, because people assume they’re being horrible or awkward because of the alcohol.
Narcissists know their family will forgive them if they acted out when drunk. Because it was “only the drink talking”.
When I was a young child one Christmas, my Dad drank whiskey until he had to go to bed for the rest of the day. And this was by dinner time 12PM!
Narcissists rarely take responsibility for things going on around them. So if they want to get drunk, then they probably will. Regardless of what needs doing, and any responsibilities they may have.
Narcissists Don’t Help Out
Most self respecting narcissists try to get away with doing as little as possible all year round. So why would things be different at Christmas?
Narcissists like to be waited on, whether it’s Christmas or not. And they’ll happily let you do all the work if they can get away with it. Narcissists have impaired empathy, so they don’t see when others need help. And they don’t feel your pain. So you must ask them directly if you want their help. A hint rarely suffices!
Narcissists always like to get the best from all worlds. So don’t be surprised if they don’t help out, then claim credit for all the effort you’ve put in. Take a slow deep breath and try to stay calm!
Take Control For A Fabulous Christmas
Narcissists want to be admired and adored. So some use Christmas to prove how fabulous they are.
They may go over the top with the decorations and gift buying. And take numerous pictures of their “happy family”, which are displayed all over social media.
And whilst this narcissist has made the effort, their motive is purely selfish. They’re more interested in looking good than providing a nice time for their family.
Inappropriate Gifts
Most narcissists aren’t good gift buyers. Their impaired empathy makes it difficult to step inside someone’s head and think what they would want as a gift.
So the narcissist may buy something they would want. Or play safe with a generic gift that would be suitable for almost everyone.
If you’ve been with the narcissist for a long time, then they might not buy you a gift. Narcissists may pull out all the stops during the honeymoon period. But this usually stops once you’re in an established relationship. And you’ll receive half assed gifts at best.
Life And Soul Of The Party
Not everything is always bad with narcissists at Christmas. Narcissists usually know how to have a good time. Particularly the more overt ones. And whilst they might not be helpful organising things, they often know how to enjoy themselves.
When on form, narcissists often get the party going. And show others how to have a good time. And although they only care about their own enjoyment, they may take you along for the ride. And many narcissists can be fun to be around on Christmas. Especially once all the chores are out the way!
Final Thoughts
Don’t expect much help from narcissists over Christmas. Unless they happen to use Christmas to prove how great they are. But even then it probably becomes a desperate military operation to get things perfect. Which is impossible and stressful.
Narcissists struggle to properly bond with people. So don’t be surprised if they act out to hide this. Or act out to be centre of attention. Narcissists are notorious for ruining celebrations, just to grab the limelight. Remember, most narcissists hate being ignored. And they expect everything to revolve around them. And when it doesn’t, they don’t like it.
If your narcissist is a fan of drinking, then Christmas is likely to be a time when they over indulge. Narcissists pretty much do what they want all year round. So they’ll certainly have a drink or three at Christmas if they want to. And they probably don’t care about their responsibilities. Meaning you must take the reigns.
If you’re lucky, then the narcissist may decide to let their hair down and have a good time. And become the life and soul of the party. This is much better than them moping around, criticising and complaining. And you might even have a good time with them. Just don’t expect them to clean up afterwards!
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Two of nine loved Xmas for the reason to be life and soul or “ social butterfly “ lol the other , the worst was bar humbug . Hated that time of year , just hated it . So ruined it for everyone else . I’m not the biggest fan either however I put in the effort for my kids sake . One had zero idea what to buy so gave money. Couldn’t be bothered to think . Even dumped me late Xmas eve as I had my kids 1 hour longer ( exes Turn to have them) it was so late anything else I could have done went out the window. Crawled back late in Xmas day . Says he hated Xmas , so had to hide and lick his ‘ wounds ‘ . Seriously? Get a life . Not around this Xmas I’m enjoying that very much !!!! Enjoy this one loser . I certainly am ‘nnnnnnn
Ah the old “get my head together” routine Rachel. I’ve heard it so many times before!
I know . Pathetic hey ? Narc 1 at least was fun to be around . Narc 2 malignant mind you , destroyed it and everyone else’s . Then came crawling back Xmas day night made sure I paid for putting my kids first not him nor including him with them . They hated him he pushed and shoved his way into their lives , what did he expect ???
He made sure I missed Xmas eve and Xmas day . Tbh I was ok I watched TV in peace so he didn’t quite achieve what he wanted . This year was fab !! So easy . They are like children that never quite grew up . Licking wounds ?? What ones ? You inflicted them on others , you just didn’t like your true self and alcohol caused mask to slip to easy instead of numbing the pain anymore . Life just didn’t work out quite like he would have wanted 😂 well that’s his fault , his alone . Heading towards a narc collapse . Seeing as pubs, his place of worship, have been closed most of the year . I’m laughing now .
One of the things I noticed early on is that he wasn’t good at gift giving, if he gave a gift at all. Just like mentioned in the article here.
Another thing – when we first met he made a comment about not being big on gift giving just because it was a special occasion, that it was something you do as a treat verses putting emphasis on an event.
Towards the end I was not aware that he decided he no longer believed in God. I had his family over for Christmas dinner and I asked him to say grace and he really showed his ass and refused to do it. It wasn’t until that moment I realized that he had become agnostic because he never talk to me about it nor anyone else in the family. He was going to church regularly when we met. Another year we were invited to his brother’s house and I found out later through his mother that he ignored his sister-in-law and his niece and nephew the entire time we were there. He never acknowledged them and he never thanked him for inviting us over. There were a lot of people there and it’s why I did not realize what was going on. One year we got the flu and he blamed it on his family over Christmas. It was at that point he decided that we were never going to get together with his family or any family for the holidays for fear of getting a virus again. He never pitched in to help and unless he was asked was not going to volunteer.
Some of the worse memories I have of him showing his ass and humiliating me happened to be on my birthdays.
My last birthday he texted me to tell me he was not coming home for the weekend but staying with a woman. “That” my friends, is what finally got me motivated to throw him out and divorce him!
The man was not a drinker nor did he do drugs he was just an asshole.
The religious thing is interesting Joanne. Mine suddenly decided she was Muslim, a year after we had moved in together. I heard no mention until that point. It seems they can be very fickle with their religious beliefs!
I’ve had only narc relationships but my most recent one gets completely wasted and last year had to sleep on my mom’s couch for a few hours because he couldn’t drive home and wasn’t even apologetic or embarrassed about it. This year at Thanksgiving he came over and he was already half crocked and had the hiccups that continued through the entire meal and he was blabbing on and on and the rest of my family cut him off because they were annoyed. While we were having dessert he did what a lot of my other narc relationships have done, he didn’t even excuse himself but went into my room and went to bed. No goodbye to my family or anything. Legitimately he wasn’t feeling well but a lot of that was because he drank too much. When he has his son who is six he only focuses on the son and I am more like the maid or nanny and the child acts up and he does nothing about it even commenting how cute and adorable the child is ( the child’s behavior is the farthest thing from cute or adorable).
Sounds about right Jessica! Ultimately it’s all about them. I’ve noticed they sometimes say or do things that should be embarrassing. But they seem oblivious, because they can only see from their own point of view.
I was so excited for Christmas with my new family when my father remarried. I was nine years old and our previous Christmas was from the Goodfellows for the poor. My birth mother ran away when I was six so I was desperate to be a part of a family by then. The entire holiday was amazing! Then, the day after her relatives went home my Stepmonster took all of our presents back and got her money back! Many years later my kids asked why we don’t visit Grandma Rose for Christmas? Or basically ever visit her? Before I could say a word my nine year old son blurted out that she is a Nazi! Probably Hilter himself reincarnated! One other Christmas stood out, only the narc tossing the mask was my husband. We always went out on a tree cutting expedition. Husband disappeared for that weekend no notice or explanation-of course. So I created the perfect Christmas all by myself. The kids and I were sitting around the tree enjoying sharing the presents with each other. My son didn’t get up quickly enough for the King of the house. To my horror my husband grabbed the boy by the neck and pressed him against the wall, feet dangling! Unspeakable evil and horror sent me flying to save my child. Knowing my narcs’ power and my skill set, I grabbed the baseball bat that was always hidden nearby. Just before I could deliver the blow, he let go and simply walked the door. As usual my narc husband got black out drunk to erase his memory! Without harmony holidays are hell! Merry Christmas and May this year bring us all new found self esteem!
If it was only at Christmas, the rest of the family would have a welcome break because Christmas comes just once a year. But, alas, this happens at ANY significant celebration. If you’re a Christian, don’t forget that there’s Easter. Any young families? Baptism of a new baby is a very important occasion. In middle school the children go through another ceremony on their first Communion day and at the age of 12 it’s their Confirmation ceremony. Jewish people have their bar mitzvah. But wait! Even without religious holidays and ceremonies, there are birthdays, graduations, engagement parties, and weddings. So many significant events for the narcissist to destroy!
True enough Trisha. It’s all year round!
My ex is Jewish & I always helped to entertain & celebrate all of the various holidays although I am not Jewish. This year I asked if we might be able to get a Christmas Tree as I was not allowed to have one last year. His answer was breath taking & I don’t think I will ever forget it. I will quote him as saying ” F*** No!! I will not be subjugated to all that B*** S*** !!” .. . Nice huh? I called him out on it but still it made me cry. Now that I am NC he messages me on FB to wish me & my family a merry christmas .. ho ho ho, no no no !!
“ho ho ho, no no no !!” Haha, I like it Mimi!