Recently I was thinking through my 12 year relationship with a narcissist. And realised I felt more lonely then, than I do now as a singleton living on my own. I asked myself why is this?

Why did I feel so alone and unconnected, when I was married and living with someone? It should have been “happily ever after”! I had a good think.

Here’s why I felt so alone during my relationship with a narcissist. Plus some other common reasons why people feeling lonely around narcissists…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Narcissists Don’t Have Your Back

Narcissists don’t have your back. And deep down you know it. When trouble rears it’s ugly head, the narcissist scarpers, leaving you fending for yourself.

I remember being in Morocco and some aggressive beggars walked along side us, hassling for money. She immediately ran across the road leaving me on my own.

She never stuck up for me against her Mother’s snide comments. She never stuck up for me with anything.

Yet she’d chide me for not having her back. Which actually meant I didn’t back her when she was in the wrong. Which I actually did at times, against my natural instincts. Her accusations towards me hid her lack of support. It was only after we’d split up I realised she never had my back.

Narcissists do a good job of talking about how they’ll help you in times of need. And how everybody should stick together. But watch them. Actions speak louder than words.

Knowing the narcissist isn’t there for you makes you feel more distant and alone. After all, isn’t protection one of the benefits of being amongst trusted people? Isn’t that part of what makes you feel safe, secure, and in good company?

Narcissists Don’t Listen To You

Narcissists make better talkers than listeners! They often glaze over when you finally get the chance to talk. And you may sense them thinking what they’re going to say next. Rather than listening to what you’re saying.

If you’re lucky, they might fob you off with the odd “mmm” every now and then. But you know they just want you to shut up.

Narcissists rarely ask you questions about yourself. Like how you’re feeling. Or about things your involved in, such as work or study. You can ask them 10 questions, which they’ll eagerly answer. But won’t ask you a single question in return.

Conversations are supposed to be two way affairs. You both get a chance to talk, and both listen. But with narcissists they’re largely one way. And not being listened to makes you feel alone, even when in their company.

Narcissists Don’t Connect With You

Narcissists aren’t interested in connecting with you. They’re only interested in how you can serve their needs. They also fear intimate connections. Because they might leave them vulnerable.

Narcissists may fake interest and connection. But that’s only to draw you in. Once they’ve achieved this, they don’t need to fake it as much to keep you. So the closer you get, the less they bother making the effort.

So you’re in a funny position. You naturally feel closer the longer you’re together. But they grow increasingly more distant. Every step you take towards them, they take a step back.

You’re Out Of Sight, Out of Mind

After a while of being with a narcissist, it’s clear they don’t think about you when you’re not around. I realised this when I was on a night out without her…

Later on, during lads nights out, my friends would start messaging their sweethearts. Or ringing them to make sure they OK. Aww that’s nice, I thought. So I joined in and messaged mine. But when I did… no response! Every time.

I was out of sight, out of mind. She rarely returned my calls or messages. Unless she wanted something. She never seemed to want to message or chat, just to say “I love you”. Never.

I became aware that she must not have thought about me when I wasn’t around. Which left me feeling unwanted and uncared for.

They Don’t Do The Little Things

They say the little things matter. And this is certainly true in romantic relationships. Simple things like running a bath when you know they’re on their way home mean so much. It shows you’ve thought about them, and learned their patterns. And you know what they want and need. But narcissists are like brick walls.

They lack empathy, so they don’t think about you and your needs. They rarely anticipate what you want, and provide it for no reason other than to see you happy. You don’t expect them to be a mind reader, or do this all the time. But it literally NEVER happens!

If they do try, they usually get it wrong. And do something THEY would want. And there’s often an ulterior motive. They either want something, or they realise they’ve pushed you too far, and want to get back in your good books.

Drop You For A Stranger

During a night out, a narcissist will happily leave you standing on your own all night if they find someone they want to talk to. They won’t consider whether you’re having a good time or not. And many will subtly flirt right in front of their partners.

So when they’re around you, there’s a nagging feeling they’re only sticking with you until someone “better” comes along. There’s little loyalty.

Towards the end of my relationship, she’d drop our plans last minute if she got an offer from a friend. I became aware that I was just her fall back option.

Isolate You From Friends And Family

I was personally not on the receiving end of this. But many narcissists isolate their partners from friends and family. So they can exert more control over them.

Some narcissists go so far as to persuade them to move to a new area away from everyone they know. Or quit their job. Of course this is dressed up as starting an exciting new life together. Or them supporting you. But really they want you all to themselves.

The narcissist knows that the less time you spend with others, the more influence they have over you. And the less chance there is for people to spot their controlling ways and alert you. They don’t think about how isolation affects you. And they won’t make up for it with good quality attention.

This leaves partners of narcissists feeling lonely and isolated. They have few friends and family to connect with, and the narcissist is woefully inadequate of providing it.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists lack of empathy means they don’t truly connect with you. They’re so self absorbed that you barely enter their thoughts. And even if they do, they fear intimacy because it leaves them vulnerable.

It’s normal to think of yourself AND your partner. And when you both do this, there’s an overlap of mutual care and connection. But with narcissists, you find yourself constantly reaching out for a connection. And it not quite being there.

Whilst they might say the right things, they demonstrate very little. And when they do, it doesn’t feel authentic. Like they’re doing it to either shut you up, or to gain something from you.

You live in hope that things improve. But as you grow and mature, they seem to stay the same. Whereas you crave a deeper connection.

They may dangle carrots, suggesting things will improve. So you keep reaching out, chasing their connection. Convinced one day you’ll find the connection you’re looking for. But it never happens.

You can spend years searching for your pot of gold. But every step you take nearer, the rainbow drifts further away. Tantalisingly out of reach.

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