I’ve spent 39 years living with 3 different narcissists. And I won’t beat about the bush, they’re difficult to live with!
If you have or still live with a narcissist, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Living with a narcissist can feel lonely and confusing. They possess many behaviours that negatively affect those around them.
I thought I’d write about my observations of living with narcissists. Hopefully this helps you feel not as alone or confused. And comforts you to learn you’re not the only one to experience these behaviours…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
It’s THEIR House
Narcissists consider the house you share THEIR house, not yours. Regardless of whether you pay towards it.
You can sometimes deduce this by the language they use. For instance my ex wife used to call it “my bedroom” even though we shared one.
Once you understand they consider the house theirs, it explains a lot of their behaviours.
Leave Their Things EVERYWHERE
Narcissists happily leave their things all over the house. Probably because they think the house is solely theirs.
Every room seems to contain their clutter. I used to think this was general untidiness. But now I think it goes deeper than this.
I think it’s a sort of “marking their territory”. Placing their things everywhere to establish control of the space.
And annoyingly, narcissists HATE it when you leave the odd item lying around. Which bolsters my theory they see possessions as symbols of ownership.
Narcissists Rarely Tidy Up
Most narcissists HATE tidying up. It’s beneath them. So the place ends up a chaotic mess.
When they do tidy, it’s a BIG deal. And EVERYBODY knows they’ve tidied! They tell and show everyone. And to be fair, the results can be good.
If narcissists do anything, it has to be grandiose. And the same goes for tidying. They either do nothing, or blitz the whole house. Then talk about it for the next 6 months until they finally tidy again!
Some narcissists are the opposite. They’re exceptionally neat all the time. And constantly pillar everybody for being untidy. This is a show of their “superiority” in the cleaning stakes. Narcissists LOVE an excuse to complain and put others down.
Narcissists Don’t Respect Your Possessions
Narcissists see your possessions as theirs. So they “borrow” your things without asking. And don’t return them. Sometimes you may find them damaged.
My Dad kept wearing a watch of mine, which was a present for my 21st birthday. I complained that it was scratched. His reply was, “Well I’ve been wearing it for gardening. What do you expect?”
They sometimes lend or give your things away. My Dad once took a load of chocolates that were my Christmas present to work, to hand out to people. Playing the good guy with MY chocolates!
But if you touch anything of theirs, there’s hell to pay. When living with a narcissist there’s one rule for them, and a different set of rules for everybody else!
Don’t Respect Your Boundaries
Narcissists happily root through your personal belongings. Or walk into a room without knocking. And have little consideration for your privacy.
You can remind them countless times. But it never seems to go in. It’s either deliberate or thoughtless. Or maybe a bit of both.
Watch You
When they’re bored, narcissists sit there watching you for no apparent reason. You can see their eyes follow you as you walk by.
They watch and wait for signs of “weakness” or imperfections to exploit. The slightest scuffing your feet on the carpet is met with raucous laughing that you “tripped over”. This can naturally cause you to become more self conscious.
Narcissists Are Nosy
When leaving the house, the narcissist bolts up, demanding to know where you’re going. Why you’re going there. Who with. And when you’ll be back. They want ALL the detail. It feels unsettling the way they abruptly ask.
If someone phones you, or you receive a message, they want to know who it’s from and what they want.
My Dad used to turn the TV down when I received phone calls. He even shushed others so he could listen. Then quiz me on every detail at the end of it. And this was when I was in my 20’s!
Walk Away Mid Conversation
This feels so annoyingly rude! Narcissists sometimes walk away whilst you’re in the middle of saying something. They might have quizzed you on everything about your trip to the newsagents. But walk away when you’re talking about your college exams.
They don’t care you’re part way through a sentence. They’re not interested, so turn their back and walk away.
Ignore You
Narcissists sometimes flat out ignore you. And act like you’ve not said anything. You may clearly ask them a question several times, and get no response.
Sometimes I would ask my ex if she wanted a cup of tea. If she did, she’d answer “yes”. But if she didn’t, she’d flat ignore me.
I remember being fed up with this, so I kept asking until I received a reply. Clearly exasperated she finally said “no”. This made me realise she did hear me. She just couldn’t be bothered to answer. There was nothing to be gained for her if she didn’t want one.
Narcissists Are Needy
Most narcissists hate being alone for even a few minutes. When you stand up to go to the toilet, they demand to know where your going.
Sometimes they’ll follow you round the house. Or keep shouting for your attention. It can feel like you don’t get a minute of peace.
Like a small child they sometimes create trouble to gain attention. They deliberately annoy you for a reaction. ANY attention is better than none for a narcissist.
Final Thoughts
Living with a narcissist feels suffocating. Or at least it did to me. Their clutter always seemed to be in the way. They don’t respect boundaries. And pry into everything you do.
They want you close to them at all times. Then act indifferently when you are.
You can feel you don’t really have a life of your own. And to some extent that’s true.
Narcissists see you as something to cater for their needs. You don’t matter. The house belongs to them. And so do you.
Please CLICK HERE For Common Phrases Narcissists Say
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you are describing perfectly what it was like living with the person who use to be my brother, he would take things and put them back broken, when he took an umbrella and left it somewhere i asked him about it, he smirked and said maybe you forgot and left it somewhere. no price is to large to bear to be rid of these creatures in your life
But when you move their things, most go crazy!
I still don’t get why narcissists stare and watch you like that, it’s quite creepy how they do it, to be honest. My brother who acts similarly to what is explained in this article does the same thing and it definitely makes me self conscious and most times too hyperaware of him doing it again I’m sure it’s got a lot to do with making you feel intimidated, but maybe it’s just me who feels that way. thanks for this relatable article!
Yes, many narcissists like others to be intimidated by them. It makes them feel powerful and special!
Yep. My husband exactly. I’d like to add that his subconscious behavior also was suffocating. If I moved around while sleeping, he’d react. Any movement. If I got up to is use the bathroom in the middle of the night he would always have to wake up and comment about it. If I left the bed before he did, even if he was snoring and in a deep sleep he would wake abruptly and talk to me or ask where I’m going. When the kids were babies I’d get up before everyone and go have coffee and journal. He would walk downstairs like a zombie half asleep and crawl up on my lap and go back to sleep. It was maddening! One night I had to crawl over him to get out of the futon we slept on one night and he literally grabbed leg. It makes you feel like you can’t ever make a move that doesn’t affect him. If I ask about this behavior, Like why did you grab my leg, “I don’t know.” Or denial or defensiveness or projection. Talk about anxiety! Makes you question reality and feel like you’re in the twilight zone.
After reading this article, I think I’d find that being needy is the the characteristic I’d be least able to tolerate, followed by being nosy. When I read the part about them following you about the house made me think that if I was unfortunate enough to live with someone like that, I’d have a key to my favorite room in the house so I could lock myself in and keep them away from me. Then I thought that their reaction would be similar to a poem from the book, “I Could Pee On This and Other Poems By Cats”, called “Closed Door”. The first few lines go like this:-
“Let me in let me in let me in
Let me in let me in let me in
Let me in let me in let me in…”
It sounded amusing, although I know that anyone who’s in that situation wouldn’t find it at all funny, except for those who use humor as a coping mechanism.
Except the narc would be screaming and shouting and banging on the door. They might even try to break in.
Disclaimer: In case anyone who’s a cat lover reads this, I’m not saying that I believe cats are narcissists. Quite the opposite. Our pets just love us and want to be with us.
Yes most narcissists would find a way to stop you locking yourself away. Because they;’re ALL about control. They may kick off about it. Or they might constantly talk about you locking yourself in a room, until you’re sick of hearing it.Or use other physiological games to stop you.
LOL! Or pick the lock and give the excuse that, “I was worried about you. You could have been lying unconscious or dead in there for all I know”. More like worried that they’re losing control.
Yeh, I could definitely see them doing that!
Watch a few episodes of Big Bang Theory and observe how Leonard has to cope with living with Sheldon. I think it sums things up perfectly :))))
“It’s their house.! That one jumped off the page at me. Because of my first wife’s (BPD) constant badgering about money, when I married again, we decided to keep the house in her name. I can not possibly tell you what a mistake this was!
The narcissist’s mindset is this: “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine”. It was a nightmare by the end. Thankfully I am out and 15 1/2 months with No Contact. I am nowhere close to being finished healing, but I am light years ahead of where I was by the end of the marriage.
It’s so true “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine”. I’m 4 years free now Doug. And life keeps getting better and better!