Despite the lies, control, and manipulation, some people stay married to narcissists for years. Leaving many people wondering why.
Those that have never experienced a narcissist relationship naturally scratch their head in wonder. But there ARE reasons why people stay with narcissists.
Narcissists use a number of tactics to treat their partners badly, but still keep them around. Here’s why so many people stay married to narcissists…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Narcissists “Love Bomb” At The Beginning
At the start of relationships, narcissists typically “love bomb”. This is where they act kind, considerate, charming, and entertaining.
They often fake mutual interests. And show interest in learning more about you. In a nutshell, they pretend to be the person they know you want them to be.
This causes the person to fall for them, hook line and sinker. They feel they’ve met “the one”, and are head over heels for them.
Dependency And Isolation
Narcissists often control their new partners by creating dependency. There’s several ways they do this…
They might persuade them to quit their jobs. Once they’ve quit their job, they solely rely on their narcissist for money. Which the narcissist uses to their advantage.
Money is a great tool for punishment and reward. And they use it to encourage and discourage certain behaviours. Also a person out of work has a smaller circle of friends.
Narcissists sometimes find excuses to move to another area. And persuade their partners to come with. They do this to isolate.
With no friends or family nearby, the narcissist knows their partner becomes more dependant on them. The narcissist becomes their world. And that’s how they like it.
If they don’t move them away, the narcissist may spend so much time with them, that they have little time for their friends and family. Causing them to drift apart from their loved ones, creating a greater need for the narcissist.
The narcissist may also stir trouble between their partners and their friends and families. Encouraging them to fall out and drift apart.
Narcissists Gradually Let Out Their True Selves
Once a narcissist feels you’re hooked, they slowly drop the nice act. Then test you with subtle put downs.
If you don’t react, they up the ante. If you do react, they accuse you of being too sensitive. Or claim they were joking. Which causes confusion, and doubt in their own judgement. Especially if they’re isolated, as they have nobody to reality check with.
If the narcissist takes things too far and you threaten to leave, they may return to love bombing for a while. So the nice act returns, and they blame outside factors such as stress or depression for their behaviour.
You naturally forgive them, happy to return to the “good old times”. But inevitably, they gradually return back to their controlling, manipulative, and sarcastic ways.
Over time they get you used to their abusive ways. And justify them. When you’re isolated, it’s easy to get dragged into considering this “normal”.
Narcissists Gradually Chip Away At Your Self Esteem
Through months and years, narcissists gradually wear you down into accepting more of their put downs and criticisms. Which slowly erodes your self esteem. Depression and anxiety is common for partners of narcissists.
Narcissists have a knack of subtly putting you down, so you barely notice. It’s often subtle enough for them to deny it, but strong enough to drag you down.
Even if you notice this, with your self esteem in tatters, you feel you deserve this treatment. And you accept more of their bad behaviour.
Narcissist Intimidation
Some narcissists use intimidation to control their partner. And their partners can be too frightened to call them out on their crappy behaviours. And too frightened to leave them.
Narcissists commonly use indirect threats they can deny later. For example “God help you if you dare leave me.” They make it clear that SOMETHING will happen if you leave them. But perhaps more chillingly, they don’t say what it is.
Humans are wired to take the path of least resistance – the easiest route. So with threats hanging over their head, some people reason that it’s easier to stay. Which is true in the short term, but not the long term.
Start To Look Worse
Unfortunately, because of years of toxic behaviour, the looks of partners of narcissists may deteriorate. Which further erodes their confidence. And they’re often left feeling like they can’t attract anyone else.
The narcissist may tell them how lucky you are they stick around. “I could get so much better than you.” With their looks and confidence shot, they accept their fate.
Narcissists Throw You The Odd Bone
Narcissists aren’t stupid. They know they can’t be mean ALL the time. So they throw the odd compliment or kind gesture every now and then. Which keeps you from leaving.
Because you’re so starved of kindness and affection, you devour the odd morsel thrown your way. And believe you must have a good relationship.
Through years of learning about you, the narcissist knows how far they can push things. Far enough to control and get the most out of you, but not so far to push you away.
Narcissists find the “sweet spot”, which unfortunately isn’t so sweet for you. Unhappy, but not quite enough reason to leave them.
Trauma Bonding
Many people stay with narcissists due to trauma bonding. This is where they get addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship.
Narcissist relationships are dramatic. Which releases stress hormones into the body.
Years of this drama becomes your new normal. And without drama, things can seem boring in comparison. Plus your hormones may feel out of whack, without the stress hormones. Even though you’re actually in a healthier place.
Sadly, some people meet someone who’s kind and compassionate. But because they’re used to the narcissists drama, they find the relationship dull. So they either go back to the narcissist. Or allow a new one to take their place.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists are expert manipulators, as they have a life time of practice. They learn how to reel you in. How to push your buttons. And how to manipulate you to get their way.
They learn how far to push you, without quite pushing you away. And if you do leave, they know how to win you back. As they’ll say whatever it takes. Narcissist are comfortable looking you in the eye, and lying through their teeth.
Narcissists spend years grooming, controlling, and manipulating. They often don’t quite give a good enough reason to leave, even though you’re desperately unhappy. They’re expert at leaving you dangling by the thinnest of threads. Your confidence in tatters, not sure what’s going on.
If you’ve been with a narcissist a long time, or know someone that has, cut yourself or them some slack. Narcissists play so many mind games to keep their partners confused and off balance, that it’s difficult to know what’s going on.
It’s natural to assume your partner has your best interests at heart. Because that’s what anyone with empathy does. But narcissists are different. They use tactics and manipulations to extract as much as they can. And part of their plan is to keep you around for as long as possible. So they can continue to bleed you dry.
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