You may have noticed that some narcissists are keen as mustard to marry. So keen, they may talk of marriage within weeks of meeting someone.
Not only that, some narcissists marry several times throughout their life. And when one marriage ends, a new one soon follows.
However narcissists don’t like close intimacy. And often shy away from opening up and talking about feelings. They don’t like leaving themselves vulnerable by becoming attached. Which begs the question – why do narcissists love marriage so much?
If you don’t think like a narcissist, then it’s probably not for the reasons you expect. Here’s why narcissists love marriage so much…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Denotes Ownership
As you may be aware, narcissists consider their significant others more like property than people. Commodities to be used.
Emotional empathy is what makes us treat people differently to objects. Because we feel for others. If we cause others pain, we feel it too.
Narcissists don’t feel emotional empathy for others. They have the same feelings towards people as they do objects – none. Which is why it’s easy for them to objectify people.
With the abolition of slavery, marriage is the nearest thing to legally owning someone. You enter into a legal contract, that lasts “until death do us part”. Promising things such as to “love, honour, and obey”.
Technically marriage is for life, and unconditional. Meaning you stay together no matter how badly they treat you. Although this has obviously changed in modern times.
But the vows still reflect old values. Giving marriage an essence of ownership for life. And this is attractive to narcissists. Because they feel it’s their right to control and dominate others, which is essentially ownership.
Locks You In
Although marriage is no longer for life, it still locks people in. You’ve made a pledge for life in front of family and friends. And divorce is not straight forward. Especially if you have a difficult narcissist, children, and property to worry about.
Locking their partners in means they can get away with more. Because their partners can’t leave on a whim due to their behaviour.
With this security behind them, the narcissist can relax and drop the pretence. And role out their narcissistic ways. Safe in the knowledge you’re less likely to leave.
And if you threaten to leave, marriage buys the narcissist time. They can love bomb you back. Throw the vows in your face. Or talk about wanting to make the marriage work, playing on your guilt.
Religion
If the narcissists spouse is religious, then they may be more locked in, because they’re usually more reluctant to divorce. Meaning the narcissist can get away with almost ANYTHING.
The narcissist can quote marriage vows when they want obedience. Talk about God witnessing their union. And how you’re together forever in the eyes of the almighty. Which is powerful stuff to a God fearing person.
The narcissist can use divorce as a threat to religious people. Because they know it’s the last thing they want. They may divorce as a threat to gain compliance. Or simply to feel powerful.
Impose Rules
Marriage vows are great for narcissists. They impose rules of obedience, fidelity, and long term commitment – till death. And narcissists LOVE rules.
Rules make people more controllable. Because they know YOU have a conscience, and take your vows seriously. Which gives them the advantage, because they don’t.
Narcissists may give lip service to the importance of marriage. But the only importance is what they gain from it. And in their mind, the rules only apply to you. Giving them a clear advantage.
Maintains Respectable Façade
Narcissists are NOT respectable. They lie, cheat, and exploit people for personal gain. But they don’t want everyone knowing this.
So narcissists find ways to make themselves appear more respectable than they are. They may become involved in religion. Do charity work. And talk about morals and decency.
Marriage gives the narcissist an added air of respectability. There’s a certain honour attached to being married. It’s a tradition spanning many centuries. And is referred to as “doing the decent thing”.
Marriage elevates the narcissist to a higher status. Creating the impression of them being stable, honest, and decent. And they may even use it to look down their noses at others “living in sin”.
Love The Spotlight
Overt narcissists LOVE the big day. It’s their time to shine. The narcissist dresses in the finest clothing. Takes centre stage, and becomes the star of the show.
This allows them to act out their delusions of grandeur in front of a generous crowd. Bliss!
People may mistake take their look of delight as “the look of love”. But the only love they have is for themselves.
They’re deliriously happy because they’re fuelled to bursting point with attention and adoration. This is what they REALLY love.
The Organising
Organising the wedding provides other opportunities for narcissists. Positions such as ushers and bridesmaids may be rationed to those who comply with the narcissists demands. And used as punishment and reward, long before the event.
Narcissists use invitations to shun enemies. And create conflicts by inviting people who clash. Because narcissists love the feeling of power they gain by causing conflicts.
If the narcissist really goes on a power trip, they may invite old flames. Showing them how well they’re doing after them. And keeping their spouse on their toes.
A Carrot To Dangle
If the narcissist knows their partner dreams of getting married, they may take a different approach. And use it for future faking by dangling the carrot.
The narcissist may talk about getting married “soon”, but never commit to a date. Keeping their partner hungry, and eager to please.
The narcissist may talk about “tightening their belts”, to save for the big day. Meaning you not spending anything, so they have more to splash out on themselves.
Don’t be surprised if after months of tightening your belt, you’re no closer to funding your dream wedding. Especially if they have control of the purse strings.
Marriage Of Convenience
Whilst ALL marriages with narcissists are marriages of convenience, sometimes they engage in stereotypical marriages of convenience.
If money’s their thing, they may marry someone rich, to share their wealth. If they want to be associated with someone younger and beautiful, the narcissist may entice a younger model with their cash.
This can bring two narcissists together. One younger and pretty. The other older and wealthy.
They stay together for mutual benefits. Looking good, and being rich. Both putting up with a volatile and unhappy marriage, just to impress outsiders.
Divorce
Even if the marriage breaks down, the narcissist still has divorce to look forward to. Divorce gives them the chance to play out their dramas. Giving them attention, and allowing them to play the victim.
Narcissists can cry about their impending divorce. Gaining them sympathy and favours.
They may also decide to be difficult during divorce negotiations. Allowing them to control their former partners, long after the relationship has ended.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists see marriage as a useful tool. To claim someone as property, and to exploit them to the max.
Narcissists know that once married, it’s difficult to get away. Allowing them room to kick back and indulge their selfish ways.
Narcissists don’t want equal relationships. They want domination. Marriage helps them achieve this.
Narcissists know that empathetic people largely abide by the rules. Giving them a distinct advantage, because they have no qualms breaking them. Making marriage attractive to narcissists, despite their inability to truly connect.
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Oh my gosh my husband made sure his ex wife was a part of the wedding. It infuriated me at the time.
If he cared about your feelings, he would make sure it was OK with you!
When I read the paragraph entitled “Love The Spotlight”, it made me wonder how many women who become into “Bridezillas” might have more than a few narcisstic traits. Because read many of those horror stories and their demands are outrageous. The worst story was about a bride who’d chosen a very elaborate wedding dress with very wide skirts and when she needed to go to the loo, she demanded of one of her bridesmaids to wipe her….you get the picture.
Real Bridesmaids Share Their Worst Bridezilla Stories (moneywise.com)
This nasty story is under the title 11) She Slapped Her Bridesmaid.
Nice.
Yes, for sure “Bridezilla” behaviour is indicative of narcissism. Narcissists love being in positions of power and control. And weddings give them this.
It’s their special day. And no one wants to ruin it for a bride. And they know this.
Narcissists may abuse this position by becoming difficult and controlling. For instance, demanding alterations to the dress last minute. Then changing it back. Just to exert control, and power.