Narcissists can play the wise and mature role in some areas of their life. But they’re often childish in others. In fact they can be so childish, it almost defies logic.
They may be jealous of their own children. And compete with them. Act up when they’re not centre of attention. And ghost loved ones when they don’t get their own way.
Some narcissists throw tantrums like a toddler. Because they literally have the emotional maturity of a child. Even later in life. And this begs the question, why are narcissists so childish? Why do they have such an arrested development?
Here’s my thoughts on why narcissists are like children…
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Disconnected From Their Emotions
Narcissism is largely a defence mechanism. And part of that defence involves the narcissist detaching from their emotions. Because when you’re detached from your emotions, you can’t be hurt. But this leads to a stagnation in their development.
Being disconnected from your emotions means you don’t learn to understand them. And you don’t learn how to harness them.
Children are ruled by their emotions. And may express them in destructive ways. But through years of practice and parental guidance, they learn to control and understand them. And work WITH them.
Narcissists don’t learn these lessons, because they suppress their emotions. And you can’t work on something you ignore.
Instead they look at how others act, and mimic their adult behaviours. Pretending to be calm and mature. But inside their emotions are raw, like a young child.
When narcissists fail to suppress their emotions, they release their pent up energy. Causing an explosion of rage.
Narcissists have little understanding of their emotions, beyond knowing how to suppress them. So when they fail to hold them in, their raw childlike emotions surface. Which is why they sometimes lash out.
Narcissists feel childlike emotions, such as intense jealousy over others successes. And deep wounding over the slightest appearance of an insult. And these intense feelings influence their behaviours. Making them appear childish and immature.
Self Absorbed
As part of their defence, narcissists create a façade of who they want to be. This false self is usually confident, intelligent, and successful. But they invest so much time into this false self that they fail to discover who they really are.
So their false self rests on shaky foundations. Because deep down they know it’s not who they are. So they seek almost constant validation that they really are this superior being.
This causes narcissists to be self-absorbed. Focussing almost exclusively on themselves, at the exclusion of others. Because they need almost constant reaffirmation this wonderful false self.
Children are also self absorbed. But theirs is a different survival mechanism. Children need this because they depend on others to survive. So they must shout their needs from the rooftops to make themselves heard.
Narcissists do the same. But it’s for the survival of their false self. Not for their personal safety. And unlike children, they don’t grow out of it.
Delusions Of Grandeur
Narcissists’ defences make them overcompensate for their deficiencies by employing delusions of grandeur. They may fantasise that they’re irresistibly attractive. That they’re an important VIP. Or they’re highly successful, even when nothing can be further from the truth.
Narcissists often convince themselves they were born special. And believe they’re destined for greatness. Even if they’ve done nothing to merit this.
Children often display similar grandiosity, but for different reasons. Children have vivid imaginations. And the world is still fresh, new, and full of wonder.
Children love to play with reality. They find the world a fascinating place. And are playful and energetic. But their fantasies stay as fantasies. Whereas narcissists often become delusional. And believe their own hype.
Naivety
Narcissists often engage in magical thinking. Believing they’re destined for greatness. And thinking big things will happen to them. Even if they do nothing to earn them.
This causes them to have a child-like naivety. And they may fall for scams, such as the ones that claim they’ve won a fortune. Or that a model a fraction of their age wants to fly half way round the world to marry them.
The narcissist sees no reason to doubt these mirages of truth. Because they feel they’re owed a charmed existence.
Narcissists are also suckers for compliments. Because they so badly want to believe they’re special. And manipulative people may sense and exploit this.
This naivety gives them a childlike quality. And some play up to this for their own gain.
Want To Be Looked After
Many narcissists struggle looking after themselves. Not because they’re incapable. But because they can’t be bothered with the mundane things in life such as cooking and cleaning. That’s for the lesser mortals.
But narcissists still need to eat. And they still want a warm bed to rest their head on at night. So the obvious answer is to entice others to look after them.
Narcissists often find partners and friends who are caring and giving. People who don’t want to see them suffer. So they pick up the pieces for the narcissist, and look after them.
This neediness looks similar to a child’s on the surface. But the difference is that children haven’t yet learnt the skills to live well. Whereas narcissists can’t be bothered, because the daily chores are a drag. And frankly they’re beneath them.
Cling To Their Parents
Some narcissists cling to their parents – even deep into middle age. They may continue living with them. Or constantly seek help and handouts.
If one or both of their parents are a soft touch, then the narcissist will exploit this. And if their parents are controlling, then the narcissist might become co-dependant. And trade part of their freedom for favours.
Clinging to their parents allows them to avoid their adult responsibilities. And continue to be looked after like a child. Even when they’re capable of looking after themselves.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists often lead carefree lives. Which resemble the life of someone much younger. Like Peter Pan, the boy who couldn’t grow up.
Narcissists are often a hybrid of adult and child. They may have careers, children and spouses. And may talk convincingly about adult issues, such as politics and economics. Which gives the impression of a normally functioning adult.
Those that get close to them, see more of their childish side. Whilst the rest of the world is taken in by their adult act. And the narcissist usually switches between the two, taking advantage of both worlds.
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