Beyond their tough exterior, most narcissists worry. And they worry a lot. Because a narcissists life is rarely simple.
Narcissists have many complicated needs and wants. And when they can’t be met, they worry. And even when they can, they worry about supplies running low.
Narcissists often suffer with low self esteem. But they make a sterling effort to hide this. And often appear confident and care-free. However, no matter how much they hide it, they still worry inside.
Narcissists have a different set of priories to the rest of us. Which means their worries are often about different things.
Here’s a run down of the main things that worry a narcissist…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Narcissists Worry About Being Lonely
Most narcissists need attention more than the average person. They need outside validation of how great they are. Most narcissists can’t function when they spend too much time alone. And can quickly become restless, anxious, and depressed. So they worry about becoming lonely and isolated.
But the real sting is that narcissists don’t like being vulnerable. And needing people leaves them vulnerable. Because they know that if someone has something they want, then they have potential power over them.
So narcissists find themselves in the worrying position where they NEED people around them, but don’t want to show this. So they’re left with the challenge of gaining attention without appearing to want it. This explains some strange narcissistic behaviours, such as inviting you round, then acting indifferent when you arrive. Or their attention seeking behaviours, such as playing the victim, or making up creative reasons why they need to see you.
The narcissists worry is two-fold. They worry about being alone. And they worry that people might suss that they desperately need people around them.
Everybody Hating Them
As well as needing attention, narcissists want to be admired. And part of being admired means people liking them. So ultimately, narcissists want to be liked.
Most narcissists know deep down that they treat people badly. So they worry that people might hate them. This can cause a typical but strange narcissistic behaviour…
The narcissist ends up being super nice to certain people. They’re super kind and generous to these people – sometimes extraordinarily so. It might be their work colleagues or their friends that they wish to impress. But it’s rarely their family. Narcissists don’t usually feel the need to impress their family because they feel they’re already impressed. Plus it’s exhausting playing the nice act at home all the time.
So the narcissist often acts super nice to certain people outside their home, whilst still treating their family like dirt. This usually leaves their family’s disgruntled when they see them treating virtual strangers much better than them.
Intimacy
The narcissist builds an armour around themselves in a hope of protecting themselves from future harm. Which is why they often struggle getting emotionally close to others.
Narcissist worry that if they get too close, then they might get abandoned. And this leaves them vulnerable to emotional hurt. So narcissists don’t trust anyone enough to get truly close to them.
And because narcissists keep a distance, they rarely feel true love. And without feeling love from their partners, narcissist worry that they’re not loved. This causes them to test their partners, to prove that they are loved. And the tests often involve pushing them away and treating them badly.
The narcissist figures that if they mistreat their partner, this will test whether they love them. If the partner puts up with their behaviours and doesn’t leave them, then this proves that their partner must love them.
But this usually expires quickly. Soon after their partner has “proved themselves”, the narcissist begins to worry again. And they return to treating their partner badly, to reaffirm their love.
Narcissists Fear Of Failure
Most narcissists see themselves as perfect, and delude themselves into believing this. So making a mistake, or failing, fills the narcissist with worry. Because it threatens to shatter their delusions, and their shaky self esteem is often heavily invested in them.
This is why many narcissists won’t admit when they’ve done something wrong. And often try to shift the blame onto others.
The fact that narcissists find it difficult to admit they’re wrong puts them under tremendous pressure. Imagine trying to be perfect all the time. It’s just not possible.
Holding your hands up and admitting mistakes can remove a lot of pressure from your life. As can being self depreciating when you make a mistake. Narcissist struggle with both of these. Causing them no end of pressure and worry. Always trying to be perfect, but never truly succeeding.
Someone Being “Better” Than Them
Most narcissists live in fear of someone being “better” than them in some way. Especially in a discipline the narcissist considers themselves expert in.
The work place is particularly worrying for a narcissist. They want to be the best worker, most highly thought of, and more capable than their peers. Oh, and better looking too. But they don’t always put in the hard yards to achieve any of this.
This leaves the narcissist being massively competitive in the workplace. Keen to put others down, and play games of one-upmanship.
Narcissists may stay awake at night worrying if they feel someone might outshine them. And they’ll spend almost every minute of every day plotting how to “win”.
Conflict
Narcissists often hurt people and get into conflicts because of their narcissistic behaviours. Over the years they accumulate enemies. And many narcissists live in fear of bumping into someone they’ve wronged in the past.
Some narcissists go as far as moving to a new area so they can start again. And some do this several times throughout their lives. But there’s always the worry in the back of their mind that they may run into an enemy from their past.
It’s not so much the conflict that they fear. It’s more the fear of being exposed for what they truly are. Narcissists are desperate to keep their narcissistic ways out the public domain.
Narcissists fear Being Exposed
Most narcissists are careful to hide their narcissistic behaviours. Especially to those outside their home. Because they know that most people won’t have anything to do with them if they knew what they were REALLY like.
Narcissists usually display their narcissistic tendencies to those closest to them. Because it’s exhausting pretending to be someone you’re not. Especially if you spend a lot of time with them. So they let their guard down with those closest to them. Meaning their “nearest and dearest” are usually the ones to cop their bad behaviours.
Narcissists are often like a cat on a hot tin roof when a relationship ends. Because they no longer have the same power over their ex. So they fear that their ex might reveal what they’re really like behind closed doors.
To combat this, many narcissists engage in smear campaigns once a relationship is over. They go around lying or exaggerating how bad their former partner was to anyone who’ll listen. And try to persuade everyone that they’re not a reliable source of information. Narcissists have even been known to smear a partner BEFORE the relationship has ended.
Once a smear is complete, the narcissist hopes to destroy their credibility. Then no one believes what they say about the narcissist.
Most narcissists know that this is not an easy task. And they worry that their narcissistic self will be laid bare before everyone. So they desperately smear their ex first, to as many people as they can. Hoping to discredit them enough to keep their reputation in tact.
Centre Of The Universe
Most narcissists believe they’re the centre of the universe. And everybody is talking about them and watching them. Whilst this might feed their grandiose delusions, it has it’s downsides.
Narcissists often get paranoid, believing that people are spying on them and conspiring to bring them down. Narcissists often feel that everybody is looking at them when they walk into a room. Which can leave them feeling worried and anxious.
Being Vulnerable
A BIG fear for most narcissists is being vulnerable. This is often because of past trauma, or neglect as a child.
Narcissists are acutely aware of who holds the power in any circumstance. And they aim to be the one holding all the aces.
When a narcissist doesn’t have a power advantage, they worry. They worry that they may be taken advantage of, laughed at, and ridiculed.
This is one reason why narcissists try to dominate others. They figure that they should be the predator, rather than they prey. If they bully others first, then they won’t be bullied themselves.
Narcissists Worry About Growing Old
Most narcissists fear growing old more than average. They worry that as time goes by, they’re becoming less attractive and less relevant to the world.
The narcissists knows that as they age, it’s more difficult to gain attention. And they can no longer rely on looks alone. This means that they have to treat people better – damn!
Ageing is a narcissist’s silent enemy. It threatens to take what they’ve got, and make them ordinary. And no matter how great the narcissist thinks they are, they can’t truly stop the effects of ageing.
Narcissists Worry About Death
Most narcissists like to think they’re omnipotent and all powerful. And superior to everyone on the planet. But one thing they can’t get away from is death.
Death is the great leveller. We ALL die. No matter how great you think you are. And there’s nothing you can do about it. No special cases or exemptions. This reminds narcissists that they’re not as special as they think they are.
Narcissists like to think that the universe owes them, because they’re inherently special. Death reminds them they’re mortal and ordinary, just like everybody else. And they often worry about dying.
Final Thoughts
Even though it may not appear so, most narcissists are filled with worry. Which is why many turn to drink or drugs to escape. Narcissists have a unique set of priorities, which gives them a unique set of problems and worries.
Narcissists usually want lots of attention, power, and adoration. And they like to be treated as special, and better than everyone else. So their life is a constant worry about how to get these “needs” met.
The reality is that the universe doesn’t hold them in as high regard as they would like. And that leaves the narcissist desperately trying to establish their superiority to the rest of the world.
Narcissists upset many people when attempting to establish their superiority. Especially to those closest to them. Causing a lot of unhappiness, and lots of worry for the narcissist themselves.
Narcissists want to be liked and admired so much, that they often hurt others and push loved ones away. Causing them to be disliked and avoided. Which is the very opposite of what they’re setting out to achieve. Which puts them in a cycle of more bad behaviour and more worry.
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Narcissism … such a very sad state of being and so very self-destructive. Their thought process is so extreme from a belief of being superior to one of worry and being alone is where they end up … repeatedly. The three relationships I’ve been in with narcissists have all ended when their fear, addictions and abuse bringing them to a point of no return. Forgiveness only prolongs the inevitable. Their pattern repeats until a final line is drawn and the door closes to them. The damage done to their victims is never forgotten.
They are completely unmasked by Alfred Adler describing lazy and spoiled children.