Many people spot the overt narcissist in the room. They’re loud, brash, and the centre of attention. They hog the conversation, and talk about themselves and how great they are. They openly boss people about, and make EVERYTHING revolve around them.
But not all narcissists are like this. Some are more quiet.
Some narcissists are softly spoken, polite, courteous, and even self depreciating. They happily to sit in the background and let other take the spotlight. These are known as covert narcissists.
And because they’re lower profile than regular narcissists, they’re harder to spot. But they have the same mindset and goals as regular narcissists.
Covert narcissists are ALL about themselves, are exploitative, and have no emotional empathy. But they try harder to pretend they’re giving and empathetic.
Covert narcissists are more sly and sneaky. They develop ways of getting what they want, without being as obvious. And they are usually more patient.
Covert narcissists I’ve known tend to be above average intelligence, and introverted in nature. But make no mistake, they’re just as selfish and manipulative as regular narcissists. They’ve just developed clever ways of hiding this.
Here’s a few ways covert narcissists quietly show off, put you down, and get what they want…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Covert Narcissists Play Down Their Achievements
Instead of bragging about how great they are, covert narcissists play down their achievements. They may say how useless they are. Or how stupid they are. Etc.
They don’t really believe this. They think they’re awesome! When they’re being self depreciating, they’re really fishing for compliments.
They know if they say how useless they are, their well-meaning friends rally round telling them how great they are. Subtle attention seeking! Plus people think they’re “nice” because they’re self depreciating.
Covert Narcissists Play The Victim
Covert narcissists like to play the victim. And use this to control or manipulate people. They may say how stressed they are. How they’ve fallen out with their Mum. Exaggerate, or even make up illnesses.
This is to make people feel sorry for them. Then they’ll do favours for them. Or make allowances for their selfish behaviours.
If a covert narcissist makes plans but finds a better option, they’ll play the pity card as to why they have to cancel. People feel sorry for them, and don’t question why they really cancelled. “My Mum is ill, and you know how that worries me.”
Pit People Against Each Other
Covert narcissists like to play people against each other. Rather than attack themselves, they get others to do their dirty work. Covert narcissists subtly stir the pot, then sit back and watch the show.
They might “accidentally” let it slip something a person has said about someone else. Or make a big deal about something negative they’ve done. And make it seem much worse than it really is.
Covert Narcissists Fight For A “Cause”
Covert narcissists often have a “cause” they’re fighting for. But always have an ulterior motive – themselves.
In the workplace they might want to bring someone down a peg or two. Perhaps they want their job. So they find some dirty on this person, and use it against them. They might find some bad work practices from the past. Or wait for them to make a minor mistake. Then they pounce all over it, and use it as a reason to attack them.
Covert narcissists like to create moral outrage amongst people. So they might embellish what someone has done, and make it seem worse than it is. Make a mountain of a molehill. And attempt to turn others against them. All under the guise of “doing the right thing”.
And even if people notice their embellishments, they often assume it’s down to them being such a nice moral person. So they receive a free pass.
Covert Narcissists Are Super Moral
Covert narcissists often talk about their morals. They might talk about cruelty to animals, disability rights, helping the poor, etc.
This is to create the false impression they’re a caring person. Then people think more highly of them. Narcissists LOVE to be adored! Plus they gain trust. And they can use their moral standing to their advantage.
But watch what they actually do. Covert narcissists often don’t live up to their own moral standards. They say one thing, but do the opposite.
And when they do something moral, it’s for display purposes only. They make sure any acts of morality are in full view of everybody. They might pretend to play them down. But really they want the world to know.
A typical trick they play is to slip in an act of giving within a story that has nothing to do with it. “I was on my way home from the homeless shelter, when I bumped into our old friend Terry.” Then when you comment on the homeless shelter, they act embarrassed and dismiss it.
Nice To You Before They Need Something
Covert narcissists can be super nice to you, out the blue. Then low and behold, they need something!
Covert narcissists spend time and effort getting into your good books, before hitting you with a request. They may even do something for you first. Even though you didn’t ask for it.
They can sometimes be clumsy with their “gifts”. And give you something that they would actually want. For example they might bake you a cake, even though they know you’re on a diet.
Final Thoughts
ALL narcissists display overt and covert tenancies. Just in the same way that neurotypical introverts sometimes display extrovert behaviours, and vice versa.
So you might see an overt narcissist play the victim every now and then. Or a covert narcissist put someone down in front of others. But you’ll see a general pattern of which they are.
Covert narcissists can remain undetected much longer than overt narcissists. They’re more careful to hide their narcissistic ways. And they’re usually quieter by nature.
But essentially they’re the same. Neither have emotional empathy for others. And they’re focused solely on getting what they want. And they’ll step on anyone who gets in their way.
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