Unfortunately, most relationships with narcissists break down. Over time, narcissists manoeuvre their relationships away from being joint partnerships where both parties benefit. And make it about serving their own needs. At the exclusion of their partners.

But narcissists aren’t daft. They know that if they treat you this way, they need some insurance. The narcissist doesn’t want to end up alone. And they know that you might not stand for their shenanigans.

So they devise ways to make it difficult for you to leave. They tie you in financially, practically, and/or psychologically. In their head, the more difficult it is for you to leave, the worse they can get away with treating you.

Dealing with a narcissist is different to dealing with a neuro-typical. Things that would be advisable to do when ending a relationship with a neuro-typical, could spell disaster when dealing with a narcissist.

So here’s some tips for if you’re thinking of leaving a narcissist…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Make Your Mind Up For Sure

It’s important to make up your mind for sure that you’re going to leave the narcissist. If you have doubts in your mind, then the narcissist will smell this, and exploit it.

If the narcissist senses you’re unsure, then they know you’re likely to waiver. So they might talk to you about the “good old days” and how much they still love you. And try to engage your emotions.

It may help to write down all the reasons why you’re leaving them. And discuss these reasons with a trusted friend or family member. And get these reasons firmly locked in your head. Don’t ever forget how they REALLY treated you. And remember that they’re likely to treat you the same next time, maybe worse.

If you take the narcissist back after all they did to you, they’re left rubbing their hands. In their mind you have accepted how they treat you. And they think they can get away with it again. And they’re often worse with partners that take them back.

Stash Some Cash

Most narcissists don’t like their partners to have much cash. To a narcissist, money is power. And they want more power than their partners.

If you don’t have much money, find ways to squirrel cash away before you leave them. Because the last thing you want is to be forced to stay with them because you’ve no money to leave.

If the narcissist is particularly controlling, then it might help to give cash to a trusted friend or family member to look after for you. Then the narcissist can’t find it. Narcissists usually live by the saying “What’s yours is mine. And what’s mine is mine too.” They usually don’t think twice about helping themselves to your cash. Just don’t touch theirs!

Be Prepared To Move Home

If you live with the narcissist, then it’s likely you’ll need to move out. Because if they don’t want to end the relationship, they’ll probably refuse to leave. Just to make things as difficult as possible.

Cohabiting with a narcissist ex will NEVER work. And if you dig your heels in, you could be living in misery for a long time. If the narcissist won’t leave, it’s best to cut your losses and go. Most narcissists will happily spend months making your life a misery. It’s just not worth it.

Don’t Tell The Narcissist Until You’ve Gone

It’s usually advisable not to tell the narcissist you’re thinking of leaving. Most narcissists plan ways to prevent you from going. And may become aggressive and difficult, causing you no end of stress.

They might love bomb you and act nice for a while. Play the victim in some way, such as faking an illness. Or tie you up financially so you can’t leave. Don’t give them these opportunities by warning them.

Remember To Take Your Valuables

It’s a good idea to take things you consider valuable, either money-wise or sentimentally. Because there’s no guarantee you’ll get them back once you’ve left.

Narcissists love to have something you want. Because they can use it for leverage. The narcissist can threaten to destroy the items. Or use them to entice you round so they can love bomb you back.

Take what you consider valuable. And be prepared to lose anything you leave. It’s not worth a messy fight with a narcissist, just to get your TV back. The narcissist will make sure they string you along for as long as possible. And will be reluctant to give up their position of power by actually returning your items.

If the narcissist leaves you, then they might keep some of their items at yours. Just so they have an excuse to come see you to pick them up. Make sure they remove all their belongings by a certain date. Because a narcissist will happily play this game for years.

Keep Evidence

If you have abusive messages, emails, or notes from the narcissist, then keep them. You never know when they might come in handy. It may also be helpful to secretly record them if they’re being verbally abusive.

There may be legal issues down the line where this evidence is vital. Because the narcissist may try to paint a picture of you being the abusive one. This evidence may also help to keep the narcissist in line.

Narcissists don’t like the world knowing how narcissistic they are behind closed doors. If they know you have evidence, they might tread more carefully around you. The narcissist may claim that they don’t care what people think. But they usually do!

If they know you have proof of their behaviours, then they’re more likely to slink off into the darkness. And leave you alone for good.

Change All Your Passwords

It’s usually a good idea to change your passwords to important things like online banking and social media accounts. If you use shared PC’s or tablets, then the narcissist could have access. And if they have access, most won’t hesitate to use them for their benefit. Which will inevitably be your loss.

Narcissists are known to hack into social media accounts to cause trouble between people. Or snoop for information. And the less the narcissist knows about you, the better.

Go No Contact

When leaving a narcissist, it’s often a good idea to go no contact. Because narcissists aren’t usually interested in genuine friendships with their ex partners.

Narcissists consider their ex’s their property. And are only interested if there’s something to be gained from them. That could be money, favours, or attention.

Narcissists like to stay “friendly” with ex’s because they usually need a lot of attention. And an ex is a great option to put on their back burner for later. Should they find themselves bored or single in the future.

A narcissist may also have issues if you was the one that ended the relationship. Most narcissists get angry when someone finishes with them. So they may use your new “friendship” to get back at you. More often than not, it’s not worth staying in contact with them.

Remind Yourself Why You Left Them

Leaving anybody is a huge life decision. And it’s only natural to wonder whether you’ve done the right thing. And the narcissist will encourage you to think you’ve done the wrong thing.

It’s a good idea to regularly review your list of reasons why you left the narcissist. Then you won’t forget what life was REALLY like with them.

It’s easy to romanticise about the past. And remember the nicer moments, and forget the worst ones. And the narcissist knows this.

Don’t be fooled by their words. The narcissist may make out everything was OK, and it was you judging them harshly. Or they might promise that things will be better next time. But this never happens. Things will be the same, or maybe even worse.

When You Share Children

Of course things are different if you share children. In this case you’re usually compelled to let them have access. And if you don’t allow them access, the narcissist will play the victim to anyone who listens. And tell them how evil you are for denying them the right to see their children. And may seek legal help.

Narcissists usually use shared children as leverage. Just so they can get access to you. But whilst you may have a legal obligation to allow them access to your children, you don’t have a legal obligation to allow them access to you.

Whilst some contact is necessary to facilitate child access, you can keep firm boundaries when it comes to yourself. If they want to take the children out, great. You don’t need to go with them. Tell the narcissist you don’t want to spoil their quality time with their children.

It may help if you drop your children off to them. Then narcissist can’t linger around your house when they’re supposed to be spending time with their kids.

The narcissist will probably play some games when it comes to times and dates of when they’re supposed to have access. They might drop the children off at different times than planned – usually later. And keep you waiting for them. But there is one good solution.

Don’t wait in all day for them to drop the children off. Because that’s what the narcissist wants. They may drop their children back several hours later than advertised, just to have some power over you by making you wait in all day. Personally I’d go out once they’re more than an hour late. And make sure I’m not home when they return. Then the narcissist will quickly get the message that they can’t mess you about.

Deliberately Antagonise You

Once the narcissist realises they can’t get to you through your children, they may change tact. And start trying to antagonise you. Narcissists are hungry for attention. And if they can’t get positive attention, they’ll settle for negative attention.

So the narcissist may slip in some snide comments, designed to wind you up. And they’re likely to know how to push your buttons. Try not to rise to their provocations. Act in a professional but friendly way. Almost like you would at work. And either ignore their comments, or better still, join in with some self depreciating humour.

Once the narcissist realises they’re getting no joy from you, they’re likely to grow bored. And you’ll probably not see them nearly as much.

Reconnect With Friends And Family

During a relationship with a narcissist, most people lose touch with friends and family. This may be a deliberate ploy by the narcissist to isolate you. Because an isolated person is more controllable. Or it might a by-product of them taking centre stage in your life. Where you simply don’t have the time or the energy for anyone else.

For your sanity, it’s important to have people to confide in. And people to help you feel you’re connected, and relevant to the outside world.

Narcissists often stir trouble between their partners and their friends and family. And they may make you think they don’t want to see you. If you reach out to these people, you may be pleasantly surprised by how receptive they are. Especially once they learn you’re no longer with the narcissist.

Be Prepared For The Smear

Many narcissists are struck with fear when a relationship ends. Because they worry that their ex might spill the beans on how they really are in private.

Many narcissists engage in smear campaigns against their former partners. The narcissist tries to discredit them as much as possible. And paint a picture of them being abusive and untrustworthy.

The narcissist knows that if they succeed in smearing you, no one will believe the things you say about them. And the narcissist can continue to enjoy their more wholesome (false) public image.

It can be infuriating when people fall for the narcissist’s lies. But those who truly care about you will give you a chance. So don’t worry too much about what people think of you.

Be Prepared For The Hoover

Narcissists hate being alone. And many attempt to hoover back their ex’s, months, even years later.

The narcissist may remind you of the good times. And paint a picture of you having a great relationship together. And it’s easy to be taken in once some time has passed.

The narcissist may even fake an illness. Or play the victim in some other way, hoping to make you feel sorry for them. And drop your guard and let them back in your life.

Even if the narcissists doesn’t want to get back with you, they may still hoover. If you ended the relationship, then the narcissist may see this as a personal attack, and look for revenge. How dare you end things with them. Can’t you see how awesome they are?!

Narcissists are known to hoover an ex, just so they can be the one to end the relationship this time. I’ve heard many stories of narcissists hoovering back an ex, only to abruptly end things soon after. That’s how childish they can be.

Don’t Rush Into Your Next Relationship

Some people are magnets to narcissists. I seem to be one of them! And it may be tempting to jump in deep with a new relationship, just to annoy the narcissist. But you could be cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Narcissists and other manipulative people can smell when someone is vulnerable. And you may jump out the fat and into the friar, and end up with another narcissist. (That’s what briefly happened to me!) And then you’re back to square one.

Take some time out to find yourself. And play it slowly when you do meet someone. Narcissists are notorious for wanting to rush through the stages of a relationship. And if you’re trying to get back at your narcissist ex, you may get snared by another one. So take things slowly.

Check out my article about how to avoid falling for another narcissist here.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists don’t usually make it easy to leave them. Not if they want to keep you. And they may pull out every trick in the book to prevent you from going.

Narcissists WLL fight dirty. Which is why you must fight fire with fire to some degree. A break up with a narcissist is different from the norm. With a neuro-typical it might be right to discuss why you’re leaving them. But with a narcissist, it’s usually better to leave without warning.

If you give the narcissist notice, they have the opportunity to play mind games. And try all their tactics to prevent you from leaving.

A neuro-typical would probably not want you to stay if you really wanted to leave. Who’d want to force someone to be with them?

But narcissists don’t care what you want. They only care about what you can give them. And if they feel like there’s more to be gained from you, they won’t let go without a fight.

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