Many narcissist relationships follow the pattern of idealisation (or love bombing), devaluation, then discard. But some narcissists, particularly covert narcissists, add a sly twist to the discard.
Instead of discarding their partner themselves, they force their partners to discard them. They usually push them to do this in the following ways…
They may be emotionally distant. Argumentative. Disappear for hours, even days at a time. And generally treat their partner in a way that makes a relationship impossible to bear.
When questioned, they may say everything’s fine. Or they may blame outside factors for their behaviour. But they won’t admit that they’re doing this on purpose.
Months of poor treatment, grinds their partners down. Until eventually they crack and have no option but to leave. And the narcissist stealthily gets what they want.
Reverse discarding often makes a bad situation worse. Because not only does their partner have to deal with a breakup, but they also deal with months of bad treatment leading up to it.
So, why do narcissists reverse discard? Why don’t they just end the relationship? Here’s a few reasons why narcissists reverse discard…
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Why Do Narcissists Reverse Discard?
To Avoid Accountability
Narcissists commonly avoid accountability for their actions. Their delusions of superiority don’t allow them to be seen as failures, or as doing something wrong.
So pushing you to end the relationship protects them from blame. And keeps their ego in tact. Because they can claim it was you that did them wrong.
To Keep You On The Back Burner
By making you break up with them, narcissists can maintain a psychological back door to return if they want attention or validation. Because they can claim it was your fault, and guilt you into rekindling the relationship.
To Create A Victim Narrative
If they can say you walked away, then they can portray themselves as the victim. Which allows them to gain sympathy from you and others, should they want it.
To Maintain Their Reputation
Most narcissist value their public appearance. Because they need a good reputation to draw people in for supply.
So pushing you to end the relationship, helps them maintain their reputation. Because they can use the fact that you ended it, plus bend other truths, to create the illusion that they were wronged. Allowing them to walk away looking good.
For A More Favourable Divorce
The narcissist may reverse discard to make you instigate a divorce. Then they can play the injured party, and claim more favourable terms in divorce settlements. At the very least they can claim it was 50/50, rather than all their doing.
For Moral Superiority
Some narcissists thrive on moral superiority. So they may feel it’s a “win” to get you to end the relationship. Because they pushed you to do something that looks “bad”, even though they initiated it.
To Punish
Some narcissists, particularly the more malignant narcissists, want to punish their partner. This could be for any number of reasons. Because narcissists take offence of things many people take for granted. Plus they may decide to take offence to something, just to justify punishing you.
They may for example decide to punish you for what they see as you “holding them back”, because your relationship stopped them gaining new supply. Or achieving greats heights of success they feel they were destined for.
To Get With New Supply
If the narcissist has secured new supply, then they may reverse discard to phase you out. The narcissist may seek a win-win by slowly phasing you out, allowing them to spend more time with their new supply. Whilst at the same time pushing you to end the relationship, and doing the dirty work for them.
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Signs A Narcissist Is Reverse Discarding
Here’s a few things to look out for, if you suspect you’re being reverse discarded…
Emotional Withdrawal
They suddenly become cold and distant. They may also act irritable, and disinterested in you and your relationship.
Provoke Conflict
They may create arguments over minor issues. Or even manufacture arguments from nothing. For example, by pretending to take things the wrong way. Or by using flimsy evidence to “prove” you did something wrong.
More Cruel
The narcissist may become more cruel and dismissive. So they might blatantly ignore you when you speak. And find everything you do highly irritating.
Spend Less Time With You
They may suddenly go out with friends far more than usual. Or work late every night, leaving you alone all the time. Showing that you’re now at the bottom of their priorities.
More Flirting In Front Of You
They may openly flirt in front of you. Or make new “friends” of the opposite sex (assuming you’re in a heterosexual relationship). Because they now don’t care about risking you leaving them.
Unemotional About Breaking Up
A reverse discarding narcissist isn’t emotional about you breaking up with them, or threatening to leave. Because this is what they want.
Normally a narcissist would be furious, because it’s a blow to their ego, plus it threatens their control. But in this scenario, the narcissist is more likely to act relieved. Because they’ve achieved their aim.
If They’re Having An Affair…
If they’re having an affair, then they may be more blatant. Because they don’t care that you might catch them. So they may openly socialise with their affair, for you and everyone else to see. Or take huge risks they wouldn’t normally take.
Final Thoughts
The reverse discard is emotionally brutal because it flips reality on its head. So not only are you discarded, but you’re also left confused and unsure what’s going on.
Reverse discards often leave their victims doubting themselves. And wondering whether they overreacted, and should have worked harder to save the relationship.
On top of this, they had to endure months of poor treatment. Whilst the narcissist slowly turned the screw.
To make matters worse, this leaves many partners on the narcissists back burner. Because they feel responsible for the breakup. Which allows the narcissist to swoop back in, should they want to in the future.
Remember, healthy relationships don’t feature cruelty and neglect. And they don’t do the on-off dance. Not if they genuinely want an exclusive relationship with you.
Yes relationships have their challenging moments, but no one should deliberately and consistently hurt their partner. Because if they do, then they clearly don’t love them the way they claim to.
Please CLICK HERE For The Signs A Narcissist Is About To Discard You