If you grew up with a narcissist parent, then it probably impacted your life. And the reverberations may be felt to this day.
I grew up with one narcissist parent, but luckily another who wasn’t. And though I’m 46 years old, it still impacts me today. But I’m constantly working on reducing the negatives, and improving.
In this article, I’ll share some of my experiences of the aftermath of growing up with a narcissist parent. How it negatively shaped me, and how I’m dealing with it.
Hopefully this helps you understand how your narcissist parent impacted you. Allowing you to make changes to live a more fulfilling life.
Here’s some of the main things I’ve noticed about having a narcissist parent…
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You Don’t Matter
When you have a narcissist parent, you usually learn that you don’t matter. It’s not that the narcissist says this, but it’s implied in everything they do. Or don’t do.
You go to your narcissist parent with a problem. And instead of listening and helping, they counter with their problems, which are bigger and more important than yours. Or worse still, they use it as an opportunity to ridicule you, and put you down.
You tell them about something good you did. Such as a high exam score, or a sporting achievement. And instead of praise, it’s met with a comparison of their achievements. Topped off with a sarcastic put down.
Pretty soon you learn not to approach them for anything. Because not only do they not help, they usually make things worse.
In my case, not only did I learn not to approach my narcissist parent, but I also didn’t approach my non-narcissist parent. Because I was aware that she carried most of the burden. And I didn’t want to pile more pressure on her shoulders.
This builds a habit where you learn not to ask for anything. Not a favour. Not to listen to your problems. Not for help with anything you need.
Since this habit was formed early in life, you might not know you do it. Because to you it’s normal. And it’s unlikely that people pound on your door, demanding you ask them for help.
If you recognise this in yourself, here’s a quick tip – practice asking for help.
As with most things, start small and build up. Ask a friend or family member for a small favour. Whether it’s a tiny loan for a day. Borrow an inexpensive item for a few hours. Or a lift a short distance away.
This may feel awkward at first. But that’s only because you’re not use to it. Once you’ve done this a time or two, it gets easier. And your confidence builds to where you can ask for more significant things, should you need to.
And you might be pleasantly surprised. If you have good people in your life, then they may actually be grateful you asked them. Especially if you’ve done things for them in the past.
You Become A People Pleaser
When you’re the child of a narcissist, it’s easy to become a people pleaser. Because they often mould their children this way.
Narcissists expect everyone to cater for them – even their children. And they usually don’t give them much attention, unless they do something for them. So the child learns to help their narcissist parent in exchange for a small shred of attention.
This habit often bleeds into adulthood. Where you find it difficult to say no. And you consider other peoples needs and wants above your own. Because that’s how you’ve been programmed.
You might not even know what your wants and needs are. I remember until relatively recently that if someone asked me what I wanted to do, my mind would automatically predict what I thought THEY wanted. And I’d pick that. Rather than what I genuinely wanted.
For years I didn’t realise I did this. Which makes it virtually impossible to change. Because you can’t change something you’re unaware of.
So if you recognise you’re a people pleaser, practice not being. If you don’t want to do something, then learn to say no. Again, it feels awkward at first. But once you’ve pushed through the initial pain, it gets easier.
Also, when someone asks what you want, pause for a moment. This pause is important, because it helps break your old patterns. Take a deep breath, relax, and think about what YOU want. That’s why they asked you!
You End Up In Narcissist Relationships
It’s common for children of narcissists to end up in narcissist relationships. And there’s a few reasons why.
The first is that your people pleasing is a magnet for narcissists. Narcissists love people pleasers. Because it’s like taking candy from a baby. So you may find that as soon as one narcissist leaves your life, another quickly takes their place. Because they can smell your eagerness to help others.
You may also find yourself in narcissist relationships because their behaviours seem normal to you. Other people might sense the red flags and run. But you don’t see the problem. Because you grew up with it around you. So their behaviours, whilst unpleasant, are nothing out the ordinary.
If this applies to you, then learn as much a you can about narcissism. Learn to recognise the red flags. And always listen to your gut. Because being around narcissists often teaches you to ignore your intuition.
You Make Excuses For People
It’s natural for young children to idolise their parents. And think they can do no wrong.
So when they let you down, or display unhealthy behaviours, you make excuses for them. Because a child can’t accept that their parent is massively flawed, and uncaring.
This can lead you to staying in unhealthy relationships. Even once the mask has dropped, and the abuse begins. Because you’re accustomed to making excuses for narcissists. And you’re used to finding small shreds of “evidence” that they care. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
As Forest Gump said, “Stupid is what stupid does.” Look at how people act, rather than listen to their words. Because their actions show you how they really regard you. If someone tells you that you’re the most important person on Earth, then repeatedly stands you up, then that tells you all you need to know.
You Suffer With Anxiety
Many children of narcissists suffer with anxiety. And it’s not surprising.
The constant criticisms, put downs, and erratic behaviours take their toll. And they program you to doubt almost everything you do. And never settle and relax.
Narcissists don’t like it when things are peaceful and harmonious. So they drum up chaos when they sense you’re settled. To push you onto the back foot for control. To feel powerful. And to entertain themselves.
This means you live in an almost constant “flight or fight” state. Anticipating drama at any moment. And doubting every decision you make.
It took me until my early 40’s to seek medical help for anxiety. I also find that a good diet and exercise helps. As does having some goals to strive for.
Meditation also helps with anxiety. If you want a helping hand, please check out my free meditation session at the following link – FREE MEDITATION AUDIO
Final Thoughts
Whilst a narcissist parent negatively impacts you, all’s not lost. Especially if you’re now arms length away from them.
Awareness is the first crucial step. Once you’re aware of the flaws they helped create, you can do something about them. Take small steps to gradually change into the person you should be. And learn to value yourself.
Consciously break free from the shackles by deliberately changing your behaviours. And soon your new behaviours will become automatic.
Be patient, and take your time. Because you won’t iron out all the creases in a day. But you will over time.
Appreciate each tiny milestone you reach. And know that you’re moving in the right direction. If you keep doing this, you’ll shake off the negative influence of your narcissist parent. And live the life that you truly deserve.
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