In 39 years of living with narcissists and knowing several more, I’ve noticed many strange behaviours. Knowing you’re not the only one to have experienced them can be a source of comfort.
Here’s some narcissist behaviours I’ve witnessed, with an explanation of why they do these things…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Bend Over Backwards To Help Others
Narcissists are often ultra nice and bend over backwards for people they don’t know well. But give the same consideration to their family or close friends.
I remember once asking my dad for a screwdriver. He lazily suggested where it might be. I returned saying it wasn’t there. He nonchalantly suggested a few other places, barely bothering to lift his head up. I’d return each time saying it wasn’t there.
Literally 5 minutes later a neighbour knocked on the door asking to borrow the same screwdriver. My Dad shot up and IMMEDIATLY found it!
Narcissists love being adored. And they’ll play nice to strangers. But won’t do the same for their nearest and dearest.
Narcissists don’t feel they need to impress their significant others. They’ve either done that in the past, or you’re family and they don’t feel the need to impress you. So you have the strange situation where they’ll bend over backwards for strangers, but do little for their close family and friends.
Hate Being Alone
Most narcissists dread the mere though of being alone. They need to be adored, and need outside validation to feel they matter.
When faced with the prospect of lone time, narcissists desperately pressure people to spend time with them. They don’t care if you’re busy, tired or whatever. They NEED attention. So they bully, coerce, play the victim, and guilt trip for company.
Sometimes narcissists follow you around the house, pestering for attention. This can feel pretty suffocating.
Walk Ahead Of You
Many narcissists have the annoying habit of walking fast, and walking ahead. What’s supposed to be a leisurely day out, descends into a mad race to keep up.
Narcissists weave in and out of crowds at break neck speed, run across roads, and leave you standing in their wake. You spend more time trying to keep up than enjoying yourself. And heaven forbid you want to stop and look at something!
Narcissists don’t do equality. You’re either above them or beneath them. And narcissists like their “nearest and dearest” beneath them.
Narcissists walk ahead as a means of control. They control where you go, when you stop, and for how long. You don’t have chance to stop and look at something, or chat to a friend. They’re off!
My Dad did this all the time. And if anyone lost him as he disappeared through the crowds, it was THEIR fault.
Narcissists don’t want to be your equal. They want to assert their dominance at every opportunity. And even walking is an opportunity to show who’s boss.
Act Strange When You’re Ill
Most narcissist act strange when someone close to them is ill. They might play down your illness and accuse you of “being soft”. Deliberately antagonise you. Or compete, saying they’re more ill than you.
Narcissists like everything to revolve around them. And everything to cater their needs. THEY’RE the ones that require special treatment, not you.
Narcissists sometimes react angrily when their “loved ones” are ill. They feel affronted that someone has stolen their thunder.
You’re no use to them when you’re ill. And more annoyingly for them, they’re expected to care for you?! That’s NOT what narcissists are about!
Narcissists Watch You
Sometimes narcissists sit there watching you for no apparent reason. You might be eating a sandwich or minding your own business. They just sit and watch.
In my experience they’re weighing you up. Looking for clues about what makes you tick. Looking for signs of weakness. Things they can exploit.
So if you so much as drop a crumb out your mouth, expect a thunderous put down or three. Narcissists are totally comfortable unnerving people by watching them closely.
Random Accusations
Many narcissists accuse those close to them of things that don’t make sense. They may accuse you of having an affair with your night school tutor, even though they drop you off and pick you up. Or accuse you of stealing something, with zero evidence, and when you’ve zero history of this type of thing.
You may think the narcissist is paranoid, and it’s a sign they care. But this isn’t usually the case.
The narcissist deliberately accuses you to push you on the back foot. Once they accuse you of something, you go into defence mode. Even if the accusation is absurd.
This allows narcissist to control the situation. They may have done something bad, so they use it as a smokescreen for their behaviours. Because whilst you’re busy defending yourself, their conduct is flies under the radar.
Or they may want attention. Because whilst you’re shaking your head in disbelief, protesting your innocence, they’re getting your full attention. And narcissists need lots of attention.
Bad Losers And Bad Winners
Narcissists HATE losing, but rub your face in their victories. My Dad would literally tip the board up if he was losing a family game. But brag endlessly if he won.
Narcissists take EVERYTHING personally. Even winning or losing at snakes and ladders.
They don’t play games for enjoyment. They play them to win. Even when playing their kids. And if they don’t win, they’re furious.
Narcissists Interrupt You
Narcissists are better talkers than listeners. In their mind you’re beneath them, so you have nothing to say that interests them.
Narcissists often change the subject to something that interests them. And the subject’s usually… THEM!
They feel there’s nothing to be gained from listening to the trivialities of your latest business meeting. They’d much rather talk about how well they ironed their shirt.
Interrupting is one way narcissists assert their authority. THEY decide the topic of the conversation, not you.
Narcissists Talk In Monologues
Narcissists don’t do two way conversations. You know the ones, where one person talks, the other listens. Then it switches round!?
Narcissists like to hog the conversational floor. Many narcissists think nothing of talking non stop for ten minutes. Blissfully unaware, or uncaring, of your attention span or interest.
Narcissists Have Selective memory
Narcissists are known to have a selective memory. They might remember a bottle of wine they bought you 13 years ago. But have no recollection of the holiday you paid for last year.
Narcissists remember what they want, and conveniently forget the rest. They also like to rewrite history.
Have A Different Set Of Rules For Others
Narcissists frequently have one set of rules for themselves, and a different set for everybody else.
My ex wife had male friends. But said I shouldn’t have female friends. I asked why, and she stated it was “different”. I pressed her on this.
She stated that the male usually fancies the female. So I shouldn’t have females friends. But apparently she was fine having male friends. Even if, using her logic, that meant they fancied her!
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Why Narcissists Are Like Children
Great insights by someone who has obviously been up close and personal!
Thanks Christie! I was brought up with one, then moved out with another two. 39 years in total of living with them!
Hi Jon. 27 years of a marriage life to a narc is not a joke. I knew something was wrong in my marriage but I still stuck in it coz of my three children. I am now trying to get an exit strategy. I hope I will succeed.
Hi Susan. I was with mine for 12 years, so I know what you’re going through. I can only say what happened to me. But when I walked out the door for the last time, I felt a great feeling, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Within a few weeks loads of people were commenting on how well I was looking. My health, mood, and energy lifted as each day passed. You have this to look forward to Susan. Keep going, you’ll get there!
Wow what an incredible encouragement.
Female narcissists are the worst. They go and fuck with everyone just to prove that they are best at it…and the one who loved them with his everything has to go through her bulshit…she comes and wipes the cum of other men on her lips with her husband’s lips.
I think many men don’t talk about the abuse they suffered at the hands of a female narcissist. You might be interested in this article about female narcissists – http://narcissisms.com/common-traits-of-a-female-narcissist/
I had a narcissist mother. However, being headstrong myself, i was not going to let her get the better of me. It took me a long time to realize I was (am) very smart and talented. I won awards for my art in grade school, but neither of my parents said anything. My dad would have, I believe, but Mother had him under her control to convince him I was too headstrong and she should squelch that.
The day came when I knew I had to leave. Every Saturday my sister and I had to clean our rooms and one other room in the house. my job that day was to clean the dining room. No problem. I danced around, singing, as I dusted, etc. Mother informed me I was doing it wrong (i.e., her way). I asked, “What difference does it make how I do it if the end result is what you want?”
She almost yelled, “It’s my house, you’ll do it my way.”
At 15 years old I eloped to Mexico with my boyfriend and got married. Mother still tried to tell me what to do in my house, but I told her it was my house now, not hers. I think if I had not been a strong person, she would have destroyed me.
It’s good that you didn’t let her you get to you Gayle. Yes I’ve noticed that narcissists often try to get people to do things their way. My Dad was a terrible back-seat driver!
👍🏻
This is spooky. Every single point applies to my ex narc. Never thought about the walking ahead before
It’s amazing how many behaviours narcissists share Claudia. I think they get issued a standard narcissists handbook! But in all seriousness, once you learn about them, you can fairly easily understand and predict them.
Spot on. My domestic partner checks all the boxes for classic narcissistic behavior and now these behaviors as well. Every time I read a new post or article on this topic I shake my head the entire time because it’s like someone is describing the father of my children and we have been together for 9 years. How is it that this has become clear to me just recently?!? I feel so blind
The same thing happened to me Monica. When I started learning about narcissism I kept getting “aha moments” Suddenly everything became obvious. It means you’re learning and growing!
Hi Monica..mine is 27 years of marriage from hell and still counting. The insights are quite helpful. Am currently applying “grey rock method and set some boundaries.
I get uneasy reading these insight!
On the one hand, relief at confirmation at the unjustified behaviour we’ve suffered!
On the other hand, absolute horror at the total predictability of the last 24 years!
Just amazing… so the Stoics were right all along!
Yeh they are surprisingly formulaic and predictable once you learn their patterns Patrem. If you look up the “grey rock method” for dealing with a narcissist, that is pretty much stoic philosophy. I may write an article on it soon!
This is a wonderful and accurate description of my ex. He expected my rapt attention while he read the back of a frozen meal box and lost patience if I told him brief highlights of my day. Maybe add stinginess, rage at any perceived criticism, some hoarding, and attempts to isolate partner from friends and family. But I think yours is a wonderful list of always present behaviours. I love your use of language.
Thanks for your kind words Barbara. I was focusing more on their strange behaviours in this article. But I’ve written more about narcissists traits here – http://narcissisms.com/common-traits-of-a-narcissist/
This actually shocked me. I have endured every single thing that was written, right down to game board tipping!
They can be so childish at times Debra!
There are a couple of these that I didn’t realize were common amongst narc but always made me uncomfortable when my ex did them. The watching is one that really sticks out, especially since he tried to make me feel there was something wrong with me for not liking it. These are some things you can use to identify a new narc in your life, if you need them like I do. Thank you!
Yes it’s always good to know the signs. Then you can keep them at arms length before they affiliate your life!
“React angrily if loved ones are ill?” Narcissists don’t have loved ones. They only have useful ones.
You’re right Paul. So I’ve changed it to “loved ones”!
Hello, cause they think they are better than you and just love their self only and don,t answer to anyone else . They think they control you and all you do but wrong . They lost their challenge and hate it you won the mind game chess .
Yeh they definitely think they control people. In fact it borders on ownership in their eyes.
Wow! Did you happen to be raised by my mother? You seem to know her soooo well it’s scary. Seriously it’s taken me 40yrs and battling clinical depression and panic attacks to finally understand the shame I lived in to constantly get her attention and approval even suicide to understand all of this was never my fault, she has a problem and I am not who she says I am but who God says I am. My dad has been the perfect partner for her and was kind and loving and supportive always. Now that he’s old and sickly, she can’t handle him, calls him useless and berates him especially when he’s ill. She has said many times that he’s 69 about to be 70,he has lived life, SO IF HE Passes away it would be fine, cos he is so sick. I been no contact for 6 months now. Thanks for and I am happier. God bless all of us who had to endure this pain.
It’s amazing how many have such similar traits. It’s good you no longer believe things are your fault. You must be much happier for it.
My husband does all these things! The walking ahead one is always an opportunity to point how unfit I am and although the years my senior how rich and healthy he is compared to me. I have a dodgy heart and rheumatoid arthritis with a bit of fibro to and yeah, I struggle to walk. He really comes into his element on the rare occasion we walk somewhere together.
EVERYTHING is a competition Jennifer!
Thank you. It’s important to be reminded of the ordeal of my relationship with my ex and how similar or dissimilar new people are.
You’re welcome Katrina!
Spot on! They are all this and more. My ex would pee in the sink, yet abandoned his hygeine completely. When his teeth starting falling out, he wanted ME to get him dentures, puh-leese!
Thanks Kimberlee. I think there’s sometimes an element of them thinking they’re above menial tasks such as personal hygiene!
This is astoundingly accurate!! Absolutely my 25 yr marriage except, he’d walk slower than me. Wherever we were, he’d walk methodically slower and then get angry and pick a fight because it was difficult for me to walk so slow.. we literally had couples almost twice our age pass us walking normally, so it was a deliberate control piece. Everything else you said, behaviors..absolutely in pointe, you’re an expert for sure. It took me 24 years to figure out it wasn’t me who needed to fix a marriage, and a year to break free. I was constantly criticized for the anxiety his behaviors triggered in me, and One month away from this inconsistency and I have zero anxiety.. and this is during a global pandemic, and I feel very grounded..the irony I find in that is huge!
Thanks Lisa. I’m guessing if they know they can’t out pace you, they go slow instead! Same happened with me. I was essentially homeless after leaving mine, yet I felt better. And many people commented how well I was looking!