Here’s a story from my youth, that illustrates narcissists attitudes towards their family…
As a teenager I was interested in CB radio. As well as chatting and meeting new people, part of the fun was repairing and upgrading equipment.
Whilst making a repair, I realised I needed a particular screwdriver. Which I knew my dad had. So I looked in the usual places, but couldn’t find it.
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So I went to the living room and asked him where it was. He shrugged his shoulders, and said he didn’t know. But suggested the kitchen drawer.
I rifled through the drawer, but no luck. Eventually I returned. Barely lifting his head up, he suggested the cupboard upstairs. But again, nothing.
This continued for some time until I eventually called time on my search. And frustratingly I couldn’t repair my CB. Then there was a knock on the front door.
A neighbour called round, asking to borrow the same screwdriver. My Dad shot up, and immediately found it. Straight to it, without hesitation! Then handed it to the neighbour, without asking if I needed it first. As you can imagine, I was flabbergasted!
At the time I didn’t know anything about narcissism. I wondered whether he’d coincidently remembered where it was when they called. Because I knew how absent minded he could be.
But I also knew how much he always tried to please outsiders. So maybe that incentivised him to remember?
It’s only years later, looking back, I understand the situation better. He always wanted the neighbours to like him. And he’d bend over backwards to help them. Far more than he’d help us. Yet I could never understand why.
It’s only now I realise that he gained narcissistic supply from helping neighbours. Because they’d think he was a great bloke. Which would boost his self esteem. And ensure they’d be pleased to see him when they bumped into him in the local shop.
I also remember my Mum saying he’d jump through hoops to help strangers, neighbours, and work colleagues, but not his own family. And that was perplexing at the time. Why would someone help outsiders MORE than their own family?
Looking back, I now know that helping me wouldn’t give him any supply. Because I was a captive audience. Living in his home, essentially under his power. So he didn’t need to win me over. There was nothing to be gained from helping me. And there was probably even more to it than this.
Did he know where it was, but didn’t want me to have it? Did he enjoy watching me frantically look for it? Did he want to ruin my day? Possibly.
I’ll never know the answer to these questions. But it was clear that he valued helping a neighbour more than me. And perhaps he secretly enjoyed the power of knowing where it was, but pretending he didn’t.
Another part of this behaviour might be down to how narcissists train their family not to ask them for anything. By using various tactics, such as outright refusals, ridicule, and making things more difficult.
Narcissists try to get you out the habit of asking them for things. And they know that if they help you once, you might get used to it. So they avoid doing anything to help. Then you don’t get any ideas.
Narcissists do this to enjoy a one-sided relationship. Even with their own children. Where they receive help, but don’t give it. And if you complain about the situation, they throw it back on you, and say you never ask. But when you ask, they play games again. So you can’t win!
Years of this from a young age gives a veiled message that you don’t matter. Because you’re literally the bottom of the priorities of your own parent. When you should be near the top. And if you can’t ask your parent for anything, who can you ask?
This is why people from narcissist parents often struggle asking for help. You’re conditioned from a young age to realise it’s not worth the hassle. And your self esteem takes a knock, where you feel you don’t deserve help anyway.
This mindset often extends to asking for help from other people too. Because if your own parent won’t help you, who will?
This may affect your relationships into adulthood. And you may become the person who does everything for everybody else. Whilst expecting nothing in return.
This attitude of mind is often sniffed out by toxic people. Who want to use and abuse people. So when they see you’re “paying out”, they clamour for your attention. Because they know they can take you for a ride.
Sadly this often means people from narcissist parents get into narcissist relationships and friendships. Because they’ve been conditioned to be a narcissists dream. And it doesn’t take long for narcissists to sense an opportunity. And move in for the kill.
Please CLICK HERE For The Impact Of Growing Up With A Narcissist Parent
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