As I’m sure you’re aware, nothing is straightforward with narcissists. And this goes for their relationships. Rather than get on in a harmonious way, narcissists are constantly looking to gain an edge.
They’re looking at how they can take as much as they can, whilst giving as little as possible. And creating love-hate relationships is one tool that helps them achieve this goal.
Narcissists like to push their significant others into this uncertain position. Where they’re unsure whether they’re loved or hated. This allows the narcissist more control and more power.
But things are more complicated than this. (Who’d have thought things could be complicated with a narcissist!?) There are many reasons why narcissists create love-hate relationships. Some are deliberate, and some are a consequence of their narcissistic ways.
Here’s some of my thoughts on narcissists and their love-hate relationships…
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Narcissists Lack Whole Object Relations
Narcissists notoriously lack “whole object relations”. This is where you form stable and realistic images of others (and yourself). So if you’re partner is half an hour late meeting you, then you might be annoyed, but you still love them. You might even hate that part of them that makes them consistently late. But you understand that this is just one aspect of who they are. And you love most of their other qualities. So you don’t let this one thing dominate your overall judgement.
A narcissists on the other hand is more “all or nothing” when it comes to love. And if they meet a part of you they don’t like, then they’re quick to dislike EVERYTHING about you. Narcissists seem to struggle understanding that everybody has good and bad qualities. And you can learn to embrace their bad qualities as much as their good ones.
If you annoy a narcissist, then in that moment they’re likely to see you as “all bad”. And not put into perspective that it’s one bad thing amongst many good things. They can forget about all the good you’ve done for them, and in that moment they might hate you with a passion. Which is why they can blow up over the smallest things. They don’t understand that one “bad” act doesn’t define you.
Lacking whole object relations can lead to narcissists acting like they love you one minute, then hate you the next. Narcissists are incredibly sensitive, and something seemingly innocuous can rub them up the wrong way, and make them hate you for a while. I’ve heard stories of narcissists having a meltdown for something as simple as their partner passing a cup of tea to their friend before they pass one to the narcissist.
Love Bombing
At the beginning of a relationship or friendship, many narcissists engage in “love bombing”. This is where they dish out excessive praise. Tell you how great you are, and how you’re both soul mates etc.
This love bombing is designed to get you attached to them. The narcissist knows that they can’t act narcissistic with you at the beginning. Because you’d run a mile. So they get you attached to them as quickly as possible, using lavish praise, gifts etc.
Once the narcissist feels they’ve secured your attentions, then they gradually roll out their narcissistic behaviours. And they test you.
They test how much you’re prepared to take. And push your boundaries so you learn to take more of their nonsense. So the closer you get to them, the worse they treat you.
If they push you over the edge and you threaten to leave, then they usually backtrack. They go back to the love bombing, and make all sorts of excuses. Common excuses are that they’re suffering from stress or have mental health issues such as depression.
This usually spells the beginning of the love-hate relationship. They act like they hate you some of the time. And when they sense they might be pushing you too far, they retreat back to the love bombing for a while, to keep you sweet. This cycle can continue for years, and can be highly confusing for the recipient. “Do they love me or not?”
The narcissist creates arguments and fallouts, and tries their best to make it all appear your fault. Then you don’t realise that it’s them causing all the trouble.
Best Of Both Worlds
The narcissist wants the best of both worlds, which is why they often have love-hate relationships. They WANT conflict with you, as it provides them with several benefits. This conflict provides a smokescreen for how they’re treating you. It also gets you trying to please them, which means they can usually extract more from you.
Narcissists are used to toxic relationships based on conflict. And they know that you’re not. So if they can draw you into this type of relationship, then they hold all the aces.
The narcissist knows that you’re looking for peace and harmony. And this means that you’re prepared to concede ground in order to find a resolution. The narcissist sticks doggedly to their guns, whilst you hand over more power to them.
But really you’re chasing rainbows. The narcissist makes sure there’s always some conflict around the corner. Something that makes you feel hated by the narcissist. That way you’re repeatedly drawn into this love-hate relationship, looking to please them to end the hate.
Narcissists desperately want you to love them. They want nothing more than to be loved and adored. But they don’t like to give their own love away. Narcissists have a massive aversion to being vulnerable. And loving someone else leaves them potentially vulnerable. So they much prefer you to love them, whilst they hate you. Then they hold ALL the power.
My Narcissist Friend
Soon after my marriage ended, I got back in contact with a female friend from many years before. She seemed OK at first, but after a while she was displaying many narcissistic traits.
She decided to fall out with me over a Facebook post, claiming I was having a dig at her, which wasn’t the case.
I bumped into her several months later, after a works Christmas party. She came over to me, telling me how much she hated me. So I said to her, if you hate me so much, then go somewhere else and let’s leave each other alone. She didn’t want to do this, and quickly changed tact, saying “I love you… but I hate you.”
Why would you go over to someone to tell them you hated them? Wouldn’t you just avoid them? And even if you did, wouldn’t you walk away after they suggested you leave if you hated them? By staying, she clearly wanted something more. And she clearly wanted my attention.
I intuitively realised that she was trying to put me in an uncertain place. A place where I was uncertain whether she loved me or hated me. She even said herself that she love me AND hated me. And I was supposed to work hard to gain her favour. Luckily I saw though this, and quickly left, and haven’t seen her since.
Narcissists Blow Hot And Cold
Narcissists like to blow hot and cold. Where they act like they love you one minute, then hate you the next. They know that this confuses and disorientates you. And leaves you vulnerable to their control.
Narcissists know that if they act in a bad mood, then this is uncomfortable for you. And they know you want to the end the situation. So you dance around the narcissist, walking on egg shells. And try your best to please them to cheer them up.
Narcissists also know that if they blow hot and cold, then you’re never sure what to expect. So even when they’re acting nice and loving towards you, you’re never sure if and when things will change. And this can lead to you being nervous around them, even when they’re giving you love.
Narcissists Quickly Forget Their Hates
When a neuro-typical hates you, there’s usually something bad that’s happened to create these feelings. And this hatred can be powerful and long lasting. But narcissists seems to have a different relationship with hate.
Narcissists are like children when it comes to hate. They may “hate” you one day, then contact you the next day as if nothing has happened. They seem to quickly get over their hate. You may be fooled into thinking the narcissist is holding out the olive branch, and being the bigger person and moving on. But this isn’t usually the case.
The narcissist usually forgets their hate when they want something from you. It might be a favour, or it might just be your attention. When they want something, their hate flies out the window. They’re more concerned with fulfilling their needs than they are maintaining a grudge. “I haven’t got time to hate you right now. Give me some attention.”
This illustrates to me that a narcissist doesn’t feel hate in the same way as the rest of us. It’s more fleeting, and more dependant on their needs at the time. Narcissists appear to be able to turn their hatred on and off. And use it to get what they want and need.
I think that narcissist sometimes chooses to hate, just for tactical advantages. But they don’t particularly feel it. So it can be quickly forgotten.
Final Thoughts
Most relationships with narcissists become love-hate affairs. Narcissists are extremely fickle, like children, when it comes to their opinions of others. And they may hate someone one day, then love them the next.
Narcissists sometimes deliberately use their love-hate tendencies for tactical advantages. Narcissists love it when people around them are walking on egg shells and seeking their approval. Because this means they control things. And narcissists are all about control.
Love-hate relationships are run-of-the-mill for narcissists, as most of their relationships go this way. So they’re adapted to live like this. And they can thrive and make the best of it. But neuro-typicals don’t usually have such a good time.
Most people find love-hate relationships stressful and confusing. And it’s not a situation most people want to find themselves in. The narcissist knows this, and plays on it.
In the end it’s all about them gaining as much as they can, whilst giving as little as possible. All designed for your loss, and their gain. In a narcissists mind, giving away genuine love is not beneficial to them. At least not all the time.
The narcissist would prefer that you were worried that they might leave you. And confused about what’s causing all the conflict. That way they stand to extract more than their fair share from you.
Narcissists don’t want a fair relationship. They prefer the dice being loaded heavily in their favour. And creating love-hate relationships helps them achieve this.
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Woah, I’ve always been told that my difficulty in forgiving anyone who’s done me wrong is my worst fault but at least it means I’m (somewhat) neurotypical. Cross that certain line in the sand and I’m done…permanently. If it’s not possible to go completely non-contact, I’ll keep any interactions with them to the bare minimum. But I’ve noticed that there are a few people who will refuse to accept that and keep trying to contact me. I wonder if that would be narcissistic behavior, or merely some who’s excessively needy?
I think it depends on what caused the fall out in the first place. If it’s falling out with people over relatively minor stuff, and never forgiving, then I’d say this was an unhelpful trait to have. If someone does something particularly bad, or a series of things, then it’s fair enough to dig your heels in. I’ve learned the hard way not to endlessly forgive any more.
There have been times when I’ve cut people off for something minor which just happened to be the last straw. But judging from one of your older posts, a skilled narcissist would be better able to keep from crossing that line. I hope to never encounter one of those because that would mean wasting too much time on them when I could have been enjoying life.
Sorry to hear your story Jessica. Many narcissists have a fear of intimacy, because it can leave them vulnerable. So they often do things to get in the way.
I just broke it off for good with a raging narcissist BUT he was not as described above. He was extremely charming, well read, intelligent and many positive qualities. Friends liked him but always talking about himself and his exploits, never, ever asking a single question about me in the year we dated. When I suffered a very bad fall and I didn’t know if I needed surgery, his response was to tell he how he was suffering from a really bad cold. Many many more examples. My fault for thinking he would come around. Good riddance!
Glad you’re happy now Astaea!