This article is for people who suspect their partner is a narcissist, but aren’t sure. It may sound daft that someone doesn’t know if their partner is a narcissist. But narcissists are slippery customers. And some manage to fool close family for years.

Higher functioning narcissists are better at covering their tracks. And once you’ve known them a while, you hardly notice their unusual behaviours, because they become normalised.

This article describes the behaviours and characteristics of narcissists in relationships. And shows the reasoning behind their actions. And helps you identify whether your partner is a narcissist.

To start off, here’s a quick breakdown in the differences between covert and overt narcissists…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Covert And Overt Narcissists

Most people think of narcissists as the loudest person in the room. The person who struts around, showing off how great they are. They talk about themselves, and never let anyone get a word in edgeways.

These are overt narcissists. And they’re the easiest to spot, because they constantly want to be the centre of attention. They’re usually loud, and you know they’re in the room. But some narcissists are more covert.

Covert narcissists are more difficult to spot. They’re introverted, sometimes self depreciating, and may sit quietly in the background. Which means your partner could be a narcissist, even if they’re not a loud mouthed braggart.

Despite their differing approaches, both types of narcissist have the same aims. And that’s to secure narcissistic supply.

Narcissistic Supply

Most narcissists seek attention, compliments, adoration, power, and control. Even covert narcissists.

An overt narcissists may brag, fish for compliments, and bully their way to gain narcissistic supply. Whereas a convert narcissist may self depreciate to gain compliments, and play the victim for power and control.

Both types of narcissist only look out for number one. But covert narcissists often give a better appearance of being kind and caring. But appearances can be deceptive.

You may also notice that the narcissist struggles spending time alone. And may pester for attention. Or even create “problems”, to get you to spend time with them.

Façade Management

This is the biggie – façade management. Narcissists have two sides to them. They have their narcissistic self, which they hide away, and their “nice” mask that they present to the outside world.

Whilst we all do this to some extent, there’s a world of difference between the narcissists hidden self and their mask. Which is why narcissists often have Jekyll and Hyde personalities.

Narcissists understand that if they want to secure narcissistic supply, then people have to like them. Or at least tolerate them. So they can’t run amok, unleashing their narcissistic side will-nilly. They must play it clever, and choose the best times to trade in their façade to get what they want.

That’s why you may find the narcissist is ultra nice to friends and neighbours. And can’t do enough to help them. But once they’re gone, they’re rude, bullying, and controlling with their family.

Why do narcissists treat their family so differently from the rest of the world?

It’s because the narcissist already has narcissistic supply secured from their family. They live with them! So they don’t need to act nice to keep the attention flowing. But frustratingly they often act ultra nice to outsiders, because they know they must work for their approval.

Emotional Empathy

Narcissists have little emotional empathy, so they don’t feel what their partner is feeling. But they do have cognitive empathy, which means they consciously know right from wrong. And understand that their actions may hurt others.

Many narcissists, particularly higher functioning ones, do a decent job of faking emotional empathy by utilising cognitive empathy. They may for example talk about being upset over a bereavement. And may even shed a tear.

In this case, the narcissist knows they ought to be upset. It’s obvious. And most narcissists spend a lifetime faking emotional empathy to fit in. So they’re good at it.

Many narcissists can fake being upset, and can cry on demand. So in this case they’re likely to join you with a realistic and appropriate “emotional” response, which makes them appear empathetic. But they often leave clues.

Sometimes their “emotional responses” feel forced. And they may ham it up too much, to err on the side of caution.

Another clue is when their supposed upset dies down incredibly quickly. Instead of gradually dissipating. They may go from being distraught to perfectly fine in seconds. Which demonstrates a lack of genuine feeling for the situation.

Narcissists are more likely to make mistakes in unusual circumstances. It’s obvious someone would be upset over the death of a loved one. But what if your cat dies? Or someone from work?

If the narcissist hasn’t met this situation before, they might not have cognitive empathy to guide them. And because they don’t feel your pain, their finger isn’t on the pulse. This may cause them to respond inappropriately, for example laughing at you for being “soft”. And saying “it’s only a cat”, or “you only know them from work”.

But because the narcissists usually fakes it well, these mistakes are often seen as uncharacteristic. And their partners make excuses for them to rationalise their tactless responses. They may for example think they must have been stressed. Or reacted unusually because they were so upset.

Controlling

Most narcissists are controlling of their partners. Although some are more controlling than others.

Some narcissists outright demand you don’t visit your friends and family. But others are more subtle, and may block you indirectly. They might for example hide your money or car keys if you want to go out. Or cause an argument so you longer feel like socialising.

Some narcissists phone or message several times a day. And expect an immediate response every time, or there’s hell to pay.

Some narcissists even control what their partner wears. And what they eat. They may do this by blatant bullying. But more frequently they disguise it as doing it for your own good.

People often misinterpret narcissists controlling ways as them caring too much. And assume they think in a similar way to themselves. But if they’re a narcissist, then they think differently, and it’s all about control. They’re too self absorbed to worry about your welfare. It’s ALL about them.

Walking On Egg Shells

Narcissists often make their partners feel like they’re walking on egg shells around them. And they like this because it makes them feel powerful.

The narcissist may be a joy to be around one minute, and a nightmare the next. Blowing hot and cold all the time. Narcissists also change their mind from one day to the next. And something they’re fine with one day, is a huge problem the next.

This unpredictability puts their partners on edge, not knowing what to expect. Even when they’re being nice. And can cause high levels of anxiety, because an outburst can happen at any time, for any reason.

Many narcissists go into big sulks, where EVERYONE knows they’re in a bad mood. They may give their partners the silent treatment, making their life hell. And these bad moods can last days, weeks, even months.

Always Want Their Own way

Narcissists aren’t usually compromising with their partners. They usually want their own way all the time, if you let them.

They call the shots on where you go for a night out, and when it’s time to go home. They expect you to do things only they want to do. But are reluctant to return the favour.

The narcissist usually dominates the TV, the stereo, and other household entertainment. And you’re probably so used to this, you don’t bother to compete. However you’re granted unlimited access to the washing machine, vacuum cleaner, and cooker – lucky you!

Provokes Trouble

Narcissists wall themselves away from their emotions to allow them to be “strong”. But this comes at the price of boredom and restlessness. Because they don’t feel the normal spectrum of human emotions.

So every now and then the narcissist needs a dose of drama to warm their cold blood. Making them look for trouble.

The narcissists may say things they know will provoke a reaction from you. But when you bite back, they play the victim. Blaming you for causing trouble.

The narcissist may also create conflict with your friends and family. And attempt to separate you from them, so they have you all to themselves.

Rarely Accepts Blame

Narcissists rarely accept blame for things they’ve done wrong. Particularly with their partners.

Narcissists have delusions of superiority and perfection. So admitting they did anything wrong challenges these delusions.

Many narcissists also think that admitting to mistakes is a weakness. And they want to appear strong by never being wrong. So they find ways to wriggle out of blame. And often turn the tables and blame you for their transgressions.

Responsibilities

Narcissists may share responsibilities in the early days of your relationship. But gradually they do less and put more on you. Until eventually you’re practically doing everything.

The mundane day-to-day tasks such as cooking, cleaning and looking after children are beneath them. And unless you want to live in squalor, you must pick up the pieces. Or fight hard for them to do their bit.

Narcissists are often keen to have children. But aren’t as keen to look after them. And sadly this is because their interest in children is to tie you down, to make you more controllable. Not to joyfully hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.

Future Faking

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like chasing rainbows. You’re always reaching for a pot of gold that never materialises.

An unfortunate part of having a narcissist partner is you’re never satisfied in the present. They hold you back. They’re disorganised, chaotic, and you never seem to progress. So you live for the future. Hoping things will one day change. But they never do.

Narcissists often dangle a carrot, and promise big things in the future. But it’s a sham to keep you around, serving their needs.

And once the years clock up, you feel you’ve invested too much time to give up now. And you keep plugging away, hoping for a bright future. Because that’s your only comfort through the darkness of today.

Final Thoughts

These are just some of the signs that may show your partner is a narcissist. But perhaps the biggest giveaway is your gut feeling.

Does something feel “off” about them? Do you find it hard to properly connect with them? Are conversations one-way, rather than open dialogues? Do you regularly make excuses for their behaviours?

Regardless of whether your partner is a narcissist, you must ask yourself whether you’re happy with them. Would life be better with or without them? Because regardless of the label, a partner should enhance your life. Not make it worse.

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11 Signs You’re Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse