We’re taught that empathy is good. And for the most part it is.
Empathy is putting yourself in other peoples shoes. It encourages people to grow and mature, as they learn about people outside themselves. And it increases their ability to coordinate with others, for a more cohesive society.
Empathy allows us to gel with friends and family. Which strengthens bonds. And if we consider others needs, hopefully they consider ours.
However, like with most things in life, you can get too much of a good thing. And there’s a down side to too much empathy. Which can turn into toxic empathy.
In this article, I’ll discuss how your empathy can be played against you. And why it’s OK to limit your empathy in some situations…
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I Need To Show MORE Love
People in narcissist relationships have a tough time. The narcissist is usually manipulative, cold, and sometimes cruel. Yet many people stick around for years.
Some narcissists benefit from people feeling sorry for them. They empathise with the narcissists brokenness. And the narcissist encourages this by playing the victim, making their partner feel responsible for them.
Many partners reason that they should love the narcissist more, when they’re acting up. To heal them, and turn them into a more caring person. But sadly this noble aim is almost always a fools errand.
Narcissists take advantage of this dynamic. And use it to take and abuse. Because they know they can get away with it, if you show them more love for their narcissistic behaviours.
Most narcissists don’t want to be fixed. Especially if being broken benefits them. So they’re likely to remain “victims” forever, if you keep feeding them.
Think Of Others Before Yourself
Most western Christian cultures are taught to think of others before themselves. And for the most part that’s fine. Especially when dealing with non-toxic people. But it’s disastrous when dealing with narcissists, psychopaths, and other predators.
Toxic people prey on givers. Because they’re the perfect foil for takers. Think about it, why would a narcissist target another taker? They might if needs must. But they prefer givers for obvious reasons.
Sadly, thinking of others before yourself paints a huge target on your back. As narcissists come flocking when they smell givers. In their mind, they’ve hit the jackpot.
Impose Limits
Yes, it’s nice to be nice to nice people. But once you’ve identified a toxic person who takes advantage, you need to change tack.
Get in the habit of limiting your empathy for these people. And don’t feel bad. If they’re consistently taking advantage of your kindness, then they don’t deserve it.
Don’t be ashamed to prioritise your own needs over toxic peoples’. They have no limit to what they’re prepared to take.
Neuro-typicals have a natural balancing mechanism in their mind. And feel compelled to give back, when someone’s given to them.
Narcissists don’t do this. They’re happy to perpetually take, without giving anything back. So YOU have to impose limits, because they won’t.
By switching this mindset, you level the playing field. So toxic people no longer enjoy an unfair advantage over you. And because of this, they’re less likely to target you.
Other Peoples Opinions
If you impose limits, then narcissists may mobilise their flying monkeys. And play the victim, to paint you as the bad guy.
It’s important that you don’t let other peoples opinions affect you. If they want to be taken advantage of by the narcissist, then that’s on them. It doesn’t mean you have to. But often this isn’t the case anyway.
Narcissists are selective with who they take advantage of. So some people never see the ugly side of their narcissism. Which means they have no idea how they treat you.
I once removed a narcissist from my life. So she told people how mean I was for not spending time with her. When I was questioned about this, I suggested that they spend time with her instead. The blank look I received spoke volumes!
Deep down people knew she was bad news. So unsurprisingly, they didn’t want to more time with her. Even though they were happy to push me to!
Have the courage of your convictions. If someone is detrimental to your life, then you have every right to remove them. No matter what anyone says. It’s your life, and no one has an automatic right to it. Especially if they’re harmful.
Empathy Is Fluid
Empathy is naturally fluid, for our own protection. When an intruder breaks into our home, we can’t afford to feel sorry for them.
Yes, they might be poor. Yes, they might have had a bad upbringing. But in the moment, those aren’t your concerns.
Your concern is to protect yourself and your family. And any thoughts about the poor intruder may jeopardise this. So you must dial down your empathy, and deal with the situation.
You can also turn your empathy down for toxic people. They have no empathy for you. So why should you have empathy for them?
Turning down your empathy levels the playing field. And allows you to put your own interests first, for a change.
In Society
In society we face similar problems. Whilst it’s nice to help others, there’s a line that must be drawn for our own sake.
Consider the trans movement. I knew a trans person many years ago, who clearly had a tough life because of it. And I’m all for helping disadvantaged people as much as we practically can.
However, campaigning for people to be locked up for hate crimes for using wrong pronouns is too far. As it would lead to a society of people walking on egg shells, worrying they’re going to be locked up for saying the wrong thing. Especially now there’s hundreds of pronouns to choose from.
When it comes to immigration, it would be great if we could help everyone on the planet. And open up the boarders for all. But unfortunately, this isn’t sensible in the world we live in. Because it can allow unchecked criminals to enter relatively peaceful societies, causing huge disruptions. Sadly without boundaries, our instinct to help others can be our downfall.
Think of this… would it be healthy for a teenage girl to bring home a 30 year old homeless guy, because she feels sorry for him?
Idealistically, this would be great. But in the real world we live in, this isn’t a good idea. And she needs to learn this, before coming to harm. Even though we might empathise with the homeless man’s situation.
You Can Have Two Competing “Right Things”
Most people would agree that it’s right to protect vulnerable people across society. But at the same time, it’s also right to protect ourselves and our family. So we have a balancing act.
Do we allow homeless people into our homes to help them. Or do we limit access, to avoid risking our family’s safety?
The same thing goes for narcissists. It might be right to help a narcissist in need. But if it comes at the price of your mental and physical health, then it’s a step too far. Especially if they’re playing the victim, to deliberately take advantage.
Don’t let your empathy be exploited. Especially by people who wouldn’t help you if the tables were turned.
Your empathy is a gift to the world. But it must be used with caution. Because sadly it can be played against you. Making it your loss, and their gain. Which is toxic empathy for you.
Final Thoughts
Many narcissists consider themselves superior to neuro-typicals. Because their empathy is a weakness to be exploited.
Like confronting a thief in the night, you can’t afford to be too empathetic with everyone. Especially narcissists. Because they’ll eat you for breakfast.
Once they’ve used you up, they cast you aside for new victims. And every time they’re “rewarded”, they’re encouraged to continue the cycle. So why be a part of it?
Choose wisely who you share your empathy with. Those that deserve it can enjoy your kind nature. But those who take advantage, should be kept at arms length. Because they turn your loving caring empathy into something toxic. And sadly, it’s you that loses out.
Please CLICK HERE For Why You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty For No Contacting Narcissists