If you put your hand on a hot stove, you get burnt and feel pain. But next time you’re more wary. As your mind triggers painful memories to remind you not to repeat what you did last time.
As unpleasant as these feelings are, they’re your friend. Because your mind and body is working to protect you from future harm.
And in the same way, your mind triggers fear at the prospect of a new relationship after a narcissist. Because you were harmed last time, so you need to be careful. But this can cause people to avoid relationships, or sabotage them before they have chance to take off.
Learning to trust after a relationship with a narcissist takes time. And during this time it’s wise to work on improving yourself. Because if you don’t, then there’s a fair chance you’ll attract another narcissist, and go through the same thing again. And deep down you probably know this, so your mind triggers negative emotions to warn you off.
What can you do to trust after a relationship with a narcissist? Here’s some things to consider when learning to trust after a narcissist relationship…
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Learn The Red Flags
It’s vital that you learn the red flags that indicate someone might be a narcissist. Because it’s empowering, and it helps you feel more at ease with potential mates.
Being able to identify a narcissist keeps you safe because you’re more able to spot and avoid them. And once you’ve spotted one or two, your confidence grows.
Armed with this knowledge, you’re no longer going into relationships blind. Think of it like this – walking into a room with your eyes closed is far more frightening than walking in with your eyes wide open.
Learning the red flags of a narcissist gives you a better chance of sniffing them out. And helps ease your fears over the intentions of new partners. Because you’re more able to see them for what they are.
Please CLICK HERE For Some Early Warning Signs Someone May Be A Narcissist
Honest Self Reflection
It’s helpful to be honest with yourself when reflecting on your relationship with a narcissist. Are there things you do that attract narcissists? Do you give away power too easily? Are you too forgiving? Do you have weak boundaries? Do you ignore the red flags?
Another surprising trait some people discover is that they’re actually attracted to narcissists. It could be that they were raised by narcissist parents, so it feels familiar. Or they’re not assertive enough, so they like someone to “take charge”. But then ignore the signs when this goes beyond healthy limits.
Having honest conversations with yourself helps you learn more about how you tick. And why you ended up staying with a narcissist. Which gives you information you can use to focus on self development.
You can’t rid the world of narcissists, or change their behaviours. But you CAN change yourself. You can learn to identify, deflect, and discard narcissists. And once you’ve done the work, you’re more able to trust future partners. Because a narcissist is no longer such a daunting prospect.
Set Clear Boundaries
It’s a good idea to have some clear boundaries of what you expect in a relationship. Because these boundaries ensure your relationships maintain a certain standard.
You may not want someone who takes drugs, for example. Or who dishes out sarcastic put downs. Or that regularly stands you up when a friend calls.
Look at the things that have caused you harm or distress in the past. And if it’s reasonable, set a clear boundary against them. Just be careful that you’re not making unreasonable demands. If in doubt, talk to a trusted friend or therapist for confirmation.
It may help to write your boundaries down. (But it’s probably wise you don’t show this to people you’re dating!) And use it as a reminder of what you’re not willing to tolerate. Because narcissists often erode boundaries gradually and by stealth. But if they’re written down, you have a definite bar set that you can refer to.
“Failure” IS An Option
Narcissists often target conscientious people to be their partners. And one trait many conscientious people have is that they consider a break up a “failure”. And strive to avoid breaking up at all costs.
This puts them in the poor position where they’re trapped in unfulfilling, and sometimes abusive relationships. Desperately trying to make them work. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Some relationships are for life. But others have a limited shelf life.
It’s NOT a failure to end a relationship if it’s not working. If anything, it’s a failure not to act when a relationship is unfulfilling. Especially if it’s causing you harm.
If you go into a relationship knowing it’s OK to end it, then this relieves a lot of fear. Because you’re no longer pledging your whole life to a relative stranger.
Learn How To Walk Away
You MUST learn how to walk away if a relationship is unfulfilling, toxic, or abusive. Because if you don’t, then entering a relationship is a HUGE gamble. Because you can’t gamble much more than your life.
Such a big gamble naturally causes fear and mistrust. Even if the person is trustworthy. Because there’s so much at stake.
Being prepared to walk away gives you a get out clause, which you’re fully entitled to. And it stops you feeling like the beginning of a relationship is a “point of no return”. Allowing you to relax and gain trust over time.
Take Your Time
Perhaps the best piece of advice is to take things slowly when entering a new relationship. And make it clear that you want to take your time.
Anyone worth their salt will accept and understand this. And if they don’t, then they don’t have your best interests at heart. Which tells you all you need to know.
Taking your time also acts as a test. Narcissists are notorious for rushing through the stages of a relationship. Because they want their partners pinned down with children, mortgages, and marriage as quickly as possible. Then they can drop the nice act and begin the abuse.
Narcissists can’t keep up the pretence forever. And if you take your time, then they’re more likely to make a mistake and drop a red flag.
Therapy
Many people attend therapy to help them trust after being with a narcissist narcissist. And whilst it’s not a magical solution, it often significantly speeds up the recovery process.
The type of therapy you choose may be dependant on your issues and personality. But generally, any therapy that allows you to talk about your experiences in a safe place, allows you to process and make sense of them.
Online therapy is rapidly growing because of its convenience, cost effectiveness, and huge choice in therapies. Please CLICK HERE to check out my recommended online therapy provider.
Final Thoughts
Learning how to trust after a relationship with a narcissist is as much about trusting yourself as it is the other person. Can you spot the narcissist this time? And do you have the strength to leave them, should things turn sour?
All relationships are a risk. Because you can’t control them or read their thoughts. And some narcissists are good at hiding their narcissism in the early stages of a relationship.
Learn as much as you can about narcissism. Don’t give your power away, and patiently watch for the signs. And if they become toxic or abusive, be prepared to walk away, and stay away.
Take things slowly and allow time to build trust. Don’t let anyone rush you. If they pressure you into moving quickly, then it shows they don’t really care about you. And if this is the case, then you know what to do.
Please CLICK HERE For My Tips On Leaving A Narcissist
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