Most people who’ve been in a long term relationship with a narcissist, or were brought up by one, have difficulty asking for help. This is because narcissists train you to not ask for anything. And eventually it becomes habit.
Narcissists try to engineer one-way relationships. This is where they receive care and help. But give little in return. That’s because they see friends, family and partners as commodities to be used. And in their relationships, they aim to take as much as they can, whilst giving as little as possible.
Learning how narcissists train you not to ask for anything, helps you break their spell. And helps you see how they changed your way of thinking.
The beauty of the human mind is that it’s incredibly adaptive. Which is why you adapted to the narcissists ways. But the good news is that you can also adapt away from them, once you’re aware of how they influenced you.
Here’s how how narcissists train you not to ask anything…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your UnderstandingâŚ
By Being Unreliable
One thing you can rely on with most narcissists is that they’re unreliable. You ask for help and they let you down.
They may have something that âcame upâ. Or they give you a wishy-washy excuse. Or they may just plain forget. Whatever their excuse, you learn not to rely on them. Because a predictable pattern is established.
Your past experiences teach you they’ll let you down anyway. And it can feel upsetting putting yourself in this position. So you learn not to bother asking.
They Do It Wrong
Some narcissists teach you not to ask for anything by making a hash of things. They deliberately do a half-assed job. And make it difficult to undo their mistakes and corner cutting. This is often known as weaponised incompetence.
This often makes their help more of a hindrance. And again you learn it’s not worth asking for their help.
To make matters worse, you can’t complain when they screw things up. Because the narcissist will jump all over it and turn the tables. Blaming you for being ungrateful. And tell you not to ask them again. Making it your fault when they’re uncooperative in the future.
Ridicule
Narcissists often ridicule their loved ones when they ask for help. And apart from this being humiliating, it’s deeply hurtful.
Narcissists often use ridicule as a means of punishment. Because they know it makes you feel uncomfortable. And you learn to avoid future ridicule by ceasing whatever triggered it. And in this case it’s asking for help.
Anger
If a narcissist feels they can get away with it, then they might get angry when you ask something of them. And may accuse you of being lazy, demanding, selfish etc.
Their angry outbursts can be shocking. Especially when it’s out the blue, and over an innocent request. Which makes you think twice before asking again. Because you’re bound to feel anxious about the prospect of it triggering them again.
Ignore
A narcissist may flat out ignore a request. And act like you never said anything.
This sends the message that you’re not even worth answering, let alone helping. And is a huge knock to someone’s confidence.
This makes you reluctant to ask again. Because not only is it futile, it’s also hurtful.
But the narcissist is secretly rubbing their hands at this situation. Because they can claim they never heard your request if you challenge them. So they get away scot-free.
Chaotic
Narcissists often lead chaotic lives. They may constantly have financial difficulties. Be in and out of relationships. And regularly âin betweenâ jobs.
Most people sense their chaotic natures. And understand they struggle keeping their life in order. So they don’t ask anything from them. Because there’s little they can give. Plus they almost always need help themselves.
This often draws people into the role as their unofficial carer. Where there’s an unspoken agreement that you care for them. And help offset their disordered life. Whilst they do nothing in return.
The narcissist may embellish their chaos, and play the victim. And use your empathy against you to feel sorry for them. And keep you doing things for them. But they still play games when it’s their time to help.
Never Offer
To bolster their tactics, narcissists rarely offer to help. Their lack of empathy means they don’t anticipate others needs. And even if they did, they still wouldn’t lend a hand.
Narcissists like to establish that they’re not the person you turn to when you’re in need. And offering to help would undo their âhard workâ of training you not to ask. Because it might increase your confidence to ask. So they rarely offer to help. No matter how much you hint, and how much you’re in need.
This creates an almost unspoken agreement that you don’t turn to them for anything. Because you feel pressured not to ask. But of course they can still ask things from you.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists train people not to ask them for things by making it difficult when they do. And over time you learn that it’s not worth the hassle. Plus they find ways of punishing your requests.
This allows the narcissist to get away without helping loved ones. And they don’t even need to try after a while, because they train people not to bother. There’s almost a silent unwritten rule that you don’t ask them for anything.
Whilst this may be good for the narcissist, it’s not good for you. Because you often extend this learning to other people. And not ask for help off anyone else either. Because it becomes an ingrained habit. Which is not healthy.
To get over this, you should find someone you trust. And ask a small favour from them. Just a tiny favour, whilst you build your confidence.
Keep practising asking small favours from people you trust. And slowly build up your confidence. So that eventually you feel comfortable asking for help.
Asking for help is an important life skill. Because we’re social creatures, and we have a need to connect, help, and receive help.
Once you learn to ask for help, you feel better in yourself. Because you feel more authentically connected, and less like someone who’s sole purpose in life is to serve others.
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