During a friendship or relationship with a narcissist, they test you. They test how much they can push you, what they can take from you, and what they can get away with. They also like to know who’s boss.
Narcissists are transactional with their relationships. And always look to take more than they give. So they test you in various ways to see where they stand.
Here’s some of the ways narcissists test you…
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Boundaries
Narcissists like to test the strength of your boundaries. And they chip away at them to break them down.
It’s usually something subtle at first. It might be that you don’t like eating sweets. So they insist you try one. Or they may suggest you try a different hair style or clothes.
The narcissist tests which methods work for getting you to disregard your boundaries. Do you respond to pity plays? Can they bully or intimidate you? Can they guilt you into it? Once the narcissists learns which methods work best, they rinse and repeat.
This may seem harmless at first. But the narcissist gradually gets you used to disregarding more important boundaries. And they crank it up until eventually you don’t know who you are. Because the narcissist strips away your sense of self.
Let You Down
A narcissist might test you by deliberately letting you down. They may promise to phone you, but leave it several days. Or arrive late when meeting you.
The narcissist may phone you a few days later as if nothing’s happened. Or arrive late without any explanation.
The narcissist tests your reactions to when they let you down. And in a way you can’t win. Because if you say nothing, then it’s a green light to treat you this way. And if you react, they’ve learned something that triggers you. Which can be used to wind you up, or gain negative attention.
Flirting / Friends Of The Opposite Sex
Narcissists often test their partners by subtly flirting in front of them. And by building a harem of “friends” of the opposite sex.
The narcissist may stand a little closer to someone than convention dictates. Or leave you standing, whilst talking to them for longer than they should. And test whether you get jealous, and what your reaction is.
If you confront them, then the narcissist is likely to accuse you of being jealous and controlling. And carry on their flirtatious behaviours. They now know this gets to you. And there’s little you can do if they don’t accept they’re wrong.
The narcissist hopes you learn to accept their flirtations and friends of the opposite sex. Because this gives them a license to do whatever they please. And many take full advantage of this.
Watch You
Narcissists may test you by watching you. Some narcissists watch their partners go about their day-to-day business for no apparent reason. And it can be unnerving feeling their eyes following you around.
Narcissists look for flaws and weaknesses. And sometimes deliberately watch you to put pressure on you. Especially when you’re doing something tricky. Just to see if they can throw you.
Create An Argument Out Of Nothing
A narcissist may create an argument from nothing, just to see how you react. They want to know whether you avoid conflicts, if you easily concede defeat, and if you feel bad and want to make it up to them.
The narcissist may pretend to take offence over something you’ve done – or not done. Or deliberately take something you said the wrong way. And create an argument around that.
The narcissist hopes that you back down to avoid conflict. And are intimidated by it. Because then they can threaten an argument whenever they want their own way. And you, wanting to avoid conflict, cave in to their demands.
Threaten Your Relationship
A narcissist might threaten to end your friendship or relationship, to test how precious it is to you. This often comes after they created an argument out of nothing.
The narcissist wants to see how worried you are over losing them. And they hope you’re distraught, because this gives them power.
The narcissist knows that if you care deeply about your relationship, then they can threaten to end it when you don’t do as your told. And this threat is a great tool to control you.
Sly Put Downs
Perhaps the most common way narcissists test people is by giving them sly put downs, often disguised as “jokes”. The narcissist tests how much abuse you take before you react.
The narcissist gradually increases the intensity and frequency of their insults. And gauges your reactions. Do you look bothered, but unwilling to challenge them? Do you give them anything in return?
Once you react, the narcissist usually backtracks, and claims it was a joke. And may accuse you of being over sensitive. But they note the point at which you cracked. And what type of comment triggered you.
The narcissist may play nice for a while. But gradually they return to condescending ways. And slowly turn up the heat with increasingly cutting put downs.
They hope to get you accepting greater put downs. Which makes them feel powerful, and gives them control. So they keep prodding and testing until you learn to accept their abuse.
Play The Victim
Narcissists LOVE rescuers, because they’re also givers. And they may play the victim to test your rescuing instincts.
The narcissist may cry poverty, to test whether you offer to bale them out. Or claim they’re upset or depressed, to test whether you come running to their aid.
The narcissist learns which buttons to press to gain a favourable reaction. And once they learn them, they rinse and repeat.
If they know you feel bad seeing them struggle financially, then they play on this. Or if you always come running when they feel “depressed”, then they have a tool to use whenever they want your attention.
Borrow Something And Not Return It
A narcissist may test you by borrowing something and not returning it. And seeing whether you forget, or are too embarrassed to ask for it back.
Narcissists feel entitled to other peoples possessions. Especially those they’re close to. So they might test to see how accessible your things are. And how much fight you give for their return.
It might start small with things like phone chargers. And grow to more valuable items over time. If the narcissist learns that you don’t ask for things back, then they’ve hit the jackpot. Free stuff!
Hoover
When a relationship with a narcissist ends, it’s never truly ended. Not in the eyes of the narcissist. And when they find themselves bored or single, they may try to hoover you back. Because it’s easier to hoover someone back than it is to find someone new.
During the hoover, narcissists test how needy you are. They may check your social media to see what’s going on in your life. And they may test you with emotive messages, claiming they miss you. Or send you pictures of the “good old days”.
The narcissist hopes you’re at a weak point in your life. And you look back fondly through rose tinted glasses. And welcome them back with open arms, despite how they treated you. So they observe and test for weaknesses, before making their move.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists constantly test people to uncover their weaknesses. And to learn what they can get away with, and what they can take. And they repeatedly test boundaries. Hoping their influence weakens them over time.
Narcissists don’t want an equal partner or equal friends. They want people to dominate and use. So they test them for their suitability. And if you’re fairly suitable, they can get to work on you.
Narcissists don’t accept people for who they are. They mould them into what they want. And this moulding requires constant testing to gauge their progress.
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