A behaviour I’ve noticed amongst narcissists is setting traps. They set traps where you’re certain to “fail”. Then fall out with you.
In essence they manufacture a falling out.
There’s various ways narcissists set these traps. And various benefits they gain from falling out with you.
Let’s start with the various traps I’ve experienced. Then I’ll talk about the various gains..
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Figure Out Your Weaknesses
Narcissists spend time sussing out others. Not because they’re interested in getting to know them. But to look for weaknesses to exploit.
Narcissists figure out weaknesses, then exploit them to cause an argument.
For example someone might not be good at household cleaning. The narcissist recognises this, then asks for help in this area. Knowing the person either won’t do it, or they’ll be bad at it. Then fall out with them for not helping enough.
The narcissist knew this persons’ weakness in this area. And knew they’d probably fail in some way. So they used it to create an argument.
Deliberately Misinterpret Something
Narcissists sometimes take something innocent and deliberately misinterpret it as an insult.
I once shared a post on Facebook that showed the planet earth revolution around the sun. It was a joke about people thinking the world revolved around them.
A few days later I woke up to a barrage of abusive messages. A narcissist “friend” of mine took it as a dig at her. Her reasoning was because I took her to the airport as a favour.
I explained to her that it wasn’t a dig at her. And pointed out I OFFERED to take her, so why would I have a dig?
But she refused accept my explanation. I then realised I posted it a few days BEFORE I took her to the airport. Yet this still wasn’t acceptable in her eyes! She denied I posted it before I ran her to the airport, even though it was clear that I did.
She didn’t want to let go of the “fact” I was having a go at her. Even in the face of contrary evidence. I had zero track record of having digs at people on social media. It became obvious she was deliberately creating an argument out of nothing.
Blame For Nothing
Narcissists sometimes make something out to be “wrong”. Even though it’s not. Or make a mountain out a molehill.
I once remember my Dad accusing my mum of going to the pub. She wasn’t a drinker at all. But even if she did go to the pub, where’s the crime in that?
But he accused her in such a way that she’d done something massively wrong. Despite her not going. And despite there being nothing wrong even if she did!
Wait It Out
Patient narcissists may wait for a mistake. No one’s perfect, so it’s inevitable one will happen.
Then pounce on it for all it’s worth.
It doesn’t matter if they let you down ten times last week. You let them down once, and you’ll know ALL about it!
They milk it for all it’s worth. And may bring it up for years. Especially when challenged over their behaviour.
These are a few ways narcissists set traps to create arguments. Here’s why they do this…
Smoke Screen For Their Behaviour
If a narcissist falls out with you, they know it puts you on the defensive. More conscientious people focus on how they can improve their behaviour. And may accept blame.
This gives the narcissist carte blanche to do what they please. They can act as narcissistic as they want. And if you say anything, they fire back about your supposed “bad behaviour”. And sometimes blame that for driving them to do what they did.
People Walking On Egg shells
Narcissists like people walking on egg shells around them. Narcissists know folk are uncomfortable when they’re in a bad mood. And more willing to do things to appease them.
If they’re mad at someone, they create a tense situation. And feel justified in doing so. Narcissists tend to convince themselves as much as anyone else that they’re in the right.
Narcissists benefit from feeling powerful by directing their anger at someone. And also for taking the “moral high ground”. Plus they gain compliance when people placate them. Three tasty treats for the narcissist!
An Excuse To Cheat
In a romantic relationship, this gives them the perfect opportunity to cheat. Only it won’t technically be cheating.
The narcissist ends things. Or implies they’re ended. Then goes for a romance with someone else.
If things don’t work out with their new fling, they return and “forgive” you.
And if you find out about their fling, they blame you. Plus they reason you weren’t actually together. “I was mad at you, and we had split up.”
Really they created a situation to split up, because they’d spotted someone else. And used your behaviour as an excuse.
And if they get away with it once, they’re likely to repeat this over and over.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists like to set traps to get mad at others. Then feel they have the moral high ground. Plus just cause to treat you badly.
They know it excuses many of their narcissistic behaviours. Plus gains compliance when you’re looking for forgiveness. Two desirable outcomes for most narcissists.
Narcissists have impaired empathy. So they don’t feel guilty for treating people this way.
If a narcissist is mad at something you’ve done, have a good think about whether they’ve set you up to fail.
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So true:
Emotional Blackmail / Guilt Trips
Malicious Compliance
Feign Ignorance
Distortion
Opportunistic waiting game
Provocation (like Dog Whistling)
And BAITING… They purposefully want an excuse to hate on you. Correct a wise man and he will thank you, correct a fool and he will hate you. And they purposefully want you to say something so they can attack you.
I recently wrote about the 10 Ds of Oppositional tactics and it’s all about causing a loss. These sore losers intend to cause losses on you. Losers, every single one of them.
https://www.quora.com/q/haroqsgsbonvkubf/Narcissist-and-The-Ten-Ds-of-Opposition-Tactics
Thanks Conner. I’ll take a look.
I’m guessing that the “Wait It Out” method is very likely to happen in the scenario that the narc is jealous of their target because of their success. Since success doesn’t happen easily, the target is likely to be highlyy intelligent, talented, productive and very diligent in performing their tasks and tend to make less mistakes. So the narc considers such a person as a threat because their consistently good performance in work and/or in life will show up the narc’s deficiencies in comparison and they want to stop that at all cost. Not to mention that proving to themselves that they’re able to bring such a strong, successful person down is like an injection of premium narcissistic supply!
Sounds spot on to me Trisha! Yeh they like criticising others, particularly successful others. Like you say, it pushes the other person down so they don’t feel as inadequate when faced with their success. Plus in their mind it lifts them up, being able to find fault with someone successful.
Looks as if I’m learning! But I’d still feel wary of recognizing one. There have been a few people I’ve known that MIGHT have the disorder, but none of them were in my life as a permanent fixture and I wasn’t particularly close to any of them, so it’s not the same as living with such a person and really getting to know them. But all of those people definitely showed some very toxic traits. I’m just a layman who has an interest in psychology because it helps me to develop my fictional characters.
So if any narcissisists happen to be reading this, thank you for giving me such quality material!
They’re difficult to detect if you’re not close to them. They put on an act to the outside world. It’s only those close to them that see the full extent of their narcissism.
Learning about narcissism is definitely a great idea for developing characters in fiction. Once you learn how they tick, you can create realistic motivation for many dramatic events!
Thank you, Jon Rhodes. This is all I can say for now. Thank you.
smart as they may be I refuse the WAR!
I see myself being the recipient of all these behaviors you described. Thank you so much! There were/are times when I felt totally worthless and knowing intellectually that I do have value, but still letting his constant belittling get to me. After reading your article, I do feel much better; not just because I feel better after reading it, but also because I see someone else has been through these things, too and I’m not the only person who goes through this.
I’m glad my article has helped you Kay. Unfortunately these things are quite common. I know it’s hard when you’re surrounded by their behaviours all the time. I also felt comfort when I found out it wasn’t just me that experienced these things. It also helped removed that nagging doubt that maybe I was wrong in my perceptions.
I know what you mean but what if you’ve known this person since you were both kids? This is the hard part. People are people and the heart wants what the heart wants, and what if you’ve both loved each other since you were kids and you’ve seen them in all these false relationships and you’ve seen every move they make because you know them. You see right through him?
I seem to have had a bit of a falling out and I’ve been hit so hard by allegations, lies, also he’s hacked me!!!! Told everyone that I did it! Tells ppl I did it cuz I’m obsessed with him! Truth is were both obsessed but I’m not the one hacking anybody!
He knows I know that he’s doing it
But he still tells ppl I’m doing it, it’s the most ridiculous situation I have ever been in! Nightmare cuz I used to respect him and look up to him. I used to put him on a pedastal….
Kind of sick that I still do kinda but only because I’ve loved him since I was a little girl.
This is good information they are just like all the things I read and I mean all there playing with my life and actually making there sick ways some how mines I’m like no thank you even though I think about the sexual connection and that’s sick too me but I have got around different people doing things with the best interest of others and it’s cool I’m slowly but surely able to work on myself and build my confidence up and I’m meeting new people open to just liking me the way I am while he still wearing a mask and it’s not even close to holloween🤣🤣😂🤣🤨