Although only 1% of the population is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, some studies indicate that around 6% actually suffers with it. That’s A LOT of undiagnosed narcissists.
This means that many narcissists hide in plain sight. And whilst people may notice their foibles, many of their behaviours are explained away and excused. Leaving them undetected, and free to continue their shenanigans.
Narcissists like this arrangement. Because they gain from their narcissistic behaviours. So why would they ever want to change?
Narcissists lack of empathy stops them appreciating the damage they cause others. So the pain they cause others won’t lead them to seek help or change. The only way they’re motivated to change is if their narcissism negatively impacts on them.
For this to happen, more people need to be aware of how they get away with their behaviours. Because then they’ll be held to account.
Here’s some of the common ways narcissism is explained away…
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Old School
If the narcissist is older and male, then their behaviours might be described as “old school”. As if they were brought up in an ancient time with a completely different set of rules.
“Old school” is typically used to explain cold and uncaring ways. As well as racism, sexism, and other prejudices. But let’s put it in perspective…
Do you really think that people from a few decades ago couldn’t care for each other? Do you think they didn’t know it’s wrong to disrespect people just for being different?
Yes, you might know some older people who are like that. But it’s certainly not all of them.
Recently a politician in the UK used the defence of it being “a different time” when he was exposed for sexual misconduct dating back to the 1990’s. As if it was fine back then. But I’m old enough to remember that sexual harassment was not considered OK in the 1990’s. Times don’t change as much as we’re led to believe.
Womaniser
If the narcissist is a serial cheater, then they may be considered “a womaniser”. And “having an eye for the ladies”. Like their lack of loyalty is a cute quirk.
If they want to lead a single life and have flings, then they have a choice. Be single. They don’t need to drag someone along for a life time of pain, just because they want the best of both worlds. It’s selfish, hurtful, and there’s nothing cute about it.
So when you hear someone is a “womaniser”, don’t be fooled into thinking it’s just some harmless quirk. Lack of loyalty for someone they supposedly love says a lot about that person. And if they have no loyalty towards their partner, then they’re unlikely to have it for you.
Out Spoken
Narcissists who pick faults and belittle others are often described as “out spoken”. As if it’s a good thing.
Whilst there’s no problem with speaking your mind, there’s no need to belittle people. As most issues can be discussed civilly, and in private.
“Outspoken” narcissists don’t do this. They look for an excuse to put people down. So if they find something even marginally “wrong”, they pounce. And give them a hard time. Under the guise that they’re doing the right thing.
But narcissists who do this aren’t being outspoken. They’re looking for an excuse to bully and put someone down.
Have Their Demons
You commonly hear this phrase when used to excuse the poor behaviours of celebrity narcissists. And whilst we may love their music, movies, or whatever, their behaviours leave a lot to be desired.
There’s no excuse for persistent bullying, infidelity, and controlling behaviours. And to brush it off as “demons” ignores the real issue.
Blaming “demons” deflects from the true source of the problem. It suggests that there’s something else that’s causing the problem. And not them.
This allows them to repeatedly get away with their bad behaviours. Because people feel they’re not really at fault. And instead put it down to their “demons”. Which allows them to get away with it unchallenged.
Loveable Rogue
In a similar way, narcissists bad behaviours are sometimes explained away as them being a “loveable rogue”. But the thing is, no matter how bad someone is, no one is bad all the time. Not even the most hardened criminals. So should they be allowed to continue mistreating people because they’re occasionally “good”?
Narcissist are notorious for blowing hot and cold. And may be the nicest person you could wish to meet one minute, and a tyrant the next. And this is all part of their act.
Narcissists know they can’t treat everyone badly all the time. Because no one would go near them. So when they sense they’ve pushed someone too far, they treat them nice for a while. Just to keep them around, providing them with things they want. This is why they’re often described as “loveable rogues”.
But being a “loveable rogue” isn’t good enough. Just because someone is sometimes nice, it doesn’t give them the right to treat people badly the rest of the time. And in the case of narcissists, their niceness is only an act.
Narcissist Alcoholic
Many narcissists are excused for their bad behaviours through alcohol. They often get a free pass because “it was the drink talking”. This would be fine if it was a one-off.
But if they drink regularly and act obnoxious, then it’s no excuse. Because they repeatedly choose to drink when they’re sober. And if you’re such a nice person when you’re sober, then you wouldn’t want to unleash an alcohol fuelled monster onto your loved ones. At the very least you’d fight it as best you can.
Many narcissists drink to create a smokescreen for their behaviours. They’re not really “bad drunks”. They know that when drinking they can relax, drop their mask, and let out their true narcissistic selves. Because people blame the alcohol, and not them.
Cares Deep Down
Narcissists who are cold and uncaring are often excused as they “care deep down”. But this doesn’t make sense. Do they care, or don’t they?
People close to the narcissist naturally cling to the notion that they must care on a deep level. Because it’s difficult to admit that someone so close doesn’t care.
So anything remotely caring is clung onto. And used as “proof” that they must care deep down. Even though the narcissist clearly doesn’t most of the time.
Eccentric
Narcissists strange behaviours are sometimes put down to eccentricity. Especially if they’re creative. Or even “genius” if they’re highly successful.
Being quirky and unusual is fine. In fact it’s refreshing. But there’s nothing good about being rude, obnoxious, and controlling. And being creative or successful is no excuse for these behaviours.
Bad Upbringing
Many narcissists are excused from their behaviours because they had a bad upbringing. Sometimes it’s true, and they did have a bad upbringing. But some narcissists make this up as an excuse.
But even if true, your upbringing doesn’t give you the right to mistreat others. And if they’re struggling, they should at least TRY to rectify their behaviours.
But most narcissists simply shrug their shoulders and say they can’t change. And make no effort. Which tells you all you need to know.
Final Thoughts
These are the most common ways narcissistic behaviours are explained away. And the problem is that they allow narcissists to repeatedly get away with them.
Narcissists who get away with narcissistic behaviours are happy to continue. Because why should they change when they’re getting what they want?
Narcissists only have motivation to change when their behaviour impacts them. Which means more people need to be aware of how narcissists operate. And how their behaviours are explained away. Because then their narcissistic behaviours would drive people away. Rather than give them what they want. So please share this article, and help spread the word!
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Excellent post. Required reading.
Thanks Phillip!
Thanks a lot Phillip!
Bottom line; It is all finely crafted rhetoric, designed to perpetuate their most disturbing behavior’s. 🤦