A favourite manipulation tactic of many narcissists is to play the victim. Once they convince people they’re downtrodden and hard done by, it’s easier to manipulate and take from them.
Narcissists consider empathy a weakness. And playing the victim exploits your empathy. It gains them favours, and gets them off the hook for their behaviours.
Here’s some of the common ways I’ve seen narcissists play the victim…
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Reactive Abuse
Some narcissists like to bait someone into attacking them. Then play the victim. A favourite tactic is the use of subtle digs, designed to wind them up.
The narcissist looks for a chink in their armour. Something they’re sensitive about. And once they’ve found it, they use it to wind that person up, over and over again.
Eventually that person cracks, and launches a volley of abuse towards the narcissist. Then the narcissist acts dumbfounded, and upset. Why would someone launch a verbal assault for no reason? Poor me.
The narcissist doesn’t acknowledge their part in it. Not one bit. They play the innocent victim, and expect everybody to take their side.
Fake Illness
Most narcissists LOVE being ill. Well… they love the rewards illness brings. An ill narcissist can more easily get away with being demanding and bad tempered. They can play the victim, and sit back whilst others wait on hand and foot. Bliss.
Narcissists often have a lot of invisible illnesses that flare up at the most convenient times. Their reoccurring back pain might kick in when they’re expected to do some physical graft. Or their migraine attacks when you want them to listen to you.
Being ill can be exploited in many ways. And it’s difficult to challenge them because doing so would be kicking them when they’re down. But the funny thing is, illnesses never seem to stop narcissists doing things they want to do! Hmm.
Fake Mental Health Problems
Many narcissists play on mental illnesses, such as depression and anxiety. And use them as an excuse for treating others badly.
Many narcissists pull out the mental health card when they’ve been rumbled for bad behaviour. And it’s difficult to argue with them.
Being a caring soul, it’s easy to give them the benefit of the doubt. They were snappy because they were stressed. Your “nearest and dearest” would never lie and make excuses, right?!
Past Relationships
Many narcissists claim they were badly treated in past relationships. Particularly the more covert narcissists. Why would they want you to think this?
For a start, they don’t want to admit the truth of how badly THEY treated their ex. Because you might run for the hills. If they can convince you they were the victim, you’re less likely to believe it should the ex, or people from their past, tell you otherwise. This is essentially an attempt to smear their ex.
Narcissists rarely accept blame for anything. And they work hard to convince themselves as much as others that someone else was to blame for their mistakes. But there’s more…
This also acts as a smokescreen for their treatment of you. They’re the victim, not you. I mean, poor little them couldn’t possibly be mistreating you, right?!
When they present themselves as a victim, it’s easier to convince you it’s you that’s in the wrong, not them. It’s you that’s bullying them. If you knew their true history, you might see the truth. And they know this.
Your Behaviour
Some narcissists pretend your behaviour is causing them distress. Even if it’s something trivial. Or something made up. And sometimes when it’s something they do themselves.
Narcissists do this to keep you on the back foot. Whilst you’re busy defending yourself, or reflecting on your supposed bad behaviour, their behaviours fly under the radar.
The narcissist wants you searching in your mind for what you did wrong. Because they know you’re chasing rainbows – searching for something that doesn’t exist. So you’re left feeling confused and guilty. And if they can get you feeling guilty, unsure how to improve your so called “bad behaviours”, they can get away with more from you.
Money
If a narcissists wants a “loan”, they often cry about how hard up they are. Because they lack empathy, they don’t care whether you need your own cash more than they do.
So they lay it on thick about how their poor son won’t get a birthday present. Or how they have to starve. They want you emotionally involved, so you feel their welfare is your responsibility. Narcissists LOVE being cared for.
But the frustrating thing is they often seem financially fine soon after you’ve lent or given them money. And they sometimes use the “poor me” money to buy themselves something that most people don’t consider a necessity – such as clothes for going out. And because the narcissist is a narcissist, they can’t resist showing off their latest purchase!
Bend The Truth
Many narcissists are masters of bending the truth. Just enough to change the narrative from them being the perpetrator, to them being the victim.
They might conveniently leave out certain facts. Or embellish others that aren’t as important as they say they are.
Narcissists spend a life time plotting and planning how to get the best out of almost any situation. So they usually get good at bending the truth. And some can change the whole story dynamic without outright lying. And most times they paint themselves as the poor victim.
Recruit Supporters
Narcissists can be kind, considerate, and all round great when they want to be. And they sometimes use these skills to seduce people into liking and trusting them.
They may mirror people’s concerns for the world, be super nice to them, and appear to be a genuine and caring person. Then when they claim to be a victim, who’s gonna argue with them?
The narcissist may also recruit people to back them up when someone doesn’t fall for their distorted version of reality. If the narcissist senses someone is on to them, they can unleash the might of their followers.
Triangulate
With their charm, narcissists may play two or more people off against each other. This is commonly known as triangulation. Playing victim to both, and blaming the other for their misfortunes. The narcissist then has two saviours for the price of one!
Narcissists like to be in positions of power. So they create dynamics where they’re in contact with two or more people. But they have limited contact with each other. That way the narcissists controls the narrative of what’s supposedly said and done. And place themselves as the victim – to each party.
Tears
If all else fails, many narcissists resort to tears. Particularly female narcissists. If you successfully challenge them on something they’ve done, this is often their last throw of the dice.
They know that when you see them “cry”, your puny empathy kicks in, making you want to sooth them. They may also use this tactic to get their own way. What chivalrous man wouldn’t want to help a damsel in distress?! Male narcissists sometimes do this too.
Many narcissists learn from a young age that when they turn on the water works, all is forgiven. So they learn how to cry on demand. And years of practice makes perfect!
Final Thoughts
In a nutshell, narcissists play the victim to take advantage of your empathy. They know that if you feel sorry for them, you’re more likely to do more for them, and accept their bad behaviours. And narcissists are all about taking as much as they can, whilst giving as little as they can.
Some narcissists convincingly paint a picture of being a poor victim of a cruel world, whilst taking advantage of others. And have people eating out their hands, feeling sorry for them.
Narcissists aren’t interested in 50/50 relationships. They want things heavily weighted in their favour. And playing the victim helps them with this goal.
If you know someone who consistently has a run of bad luck, and you’re constantly their saviour, then you may have a narcissist in your life. So take what they say with a pinch of salt!
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