How Narcissists Keep Their Button On Control

This is a guest post by Chrissy Snow…

It’s a beautiful feeling to be with your loved one and feel the comfort, affection and attention that comes along with a healthy relationship.  But you’re really not in a healthy relationship. You keep doing what you as someone who has compassionate empathy would do to reign in the malicious, cruel and devious ways your partner who is a narcissist behaves to keep you in place: nervous, and walking on eggshells so he/she won’t punish you with devaluation or stonewalling.  

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Have you ever been out with your significant other and they start “people watching” or happen to “overhear” the conversation of two single patrons next to you and decide to chime in? 

Much to your embarrassment, they are now engaging in a full-on conversation with a perfect stranger. You’re scratching your head at first because you are right there wanting their energy and excited to be out with them and they are putting all their energy into a focused, intentful conversation with someone they just met.  And it’s not stopping.

Soon you are feeling humiliated and sometimes the “talk” will escalate to the point where it’s obvious its flirtation now and the other party is looking at you with sympathy.  Many times, when this has happened to me I almost play out the dialogue in my head for whoever he is talking to, “poor girl, her man is blatantly ignoring her and is making her and I uncomfortable as he won’t leave me alone.  

I would wonder to myself, why doesn’t he ever engage with me this way or have anything pertinent to discuss with me with enthusiasm or interest like this stranger.  But then I figured it out.  My NPD wanted to knock me down a peg. 

You see, I have had some big accomplishments and  great rapport with others and that took away from him. If men looked at me, he realized he could suppress anything equated to jealousy (I never flirt or engage in anything but respectful conversation when I am around him) by talking to others and leaving me lingering in the shadows, he will have showed me that he is the powerful one, that he is in control and make me feel pretty cruddy which narcissists actually like you to feel. 

Then the gaslighting would start.  “Why are you so jealous? I’m just friendly. Why is that such an issue. It’s your issue not mine. I’m not doing anything wrong. If you don’t like it, why are you with me?  You better get over it.

And it’s not just how they speak to others when they are with you, it’s what they say to you and them. Anything a narcissist says has an intent. 

Recently, on a  vacation I was walking with him down the road and  he said to me “Hey let’s get these two single girls to take our picture!”  I noted immediately he threw in the word “SINGLE”.

I adamantly told him I did not want those women to take my picture as I was in a sweatshirt with my hair a wreck and he looked at me and then shouted to them “HEY LADIES!!!! Can you take a picture of my girlfriend and me?”

I was livid. But I realize the more uncomfortable and the more you plead with your NPD to be mindful of your boundaries, the more they will refuse. Everything is a test.   The more upset I get the more the satisfaction he feels ( If I can even use that word in relation to a narc).

Once they build a repetitious cycle of gaslighting you anytime you oppose what they do they now know they have control. I knew if I didn’t take the picture or screamed at him that I would be given the silent treatment for the duration of the evening or worse, he may have said “lets pack up and leave. You obviously don’t know how to have a good time and I don’t need this.” 

I know the script well. I have played it out with him many times.   And its degrading. I feel defeated. How do you remedy it? You can’t.

This person is a narcissist. They are hard wired to believe any type of behaviour is acceptable and if you don’t like it you are the one with the issue, or at fault and you need to correct it or get out of the way because they don’t feel emotion. Their emotional detachment will allow them to go on and find another source of supply and if they get bored, they may hoover you back. 

The solution is to find you.  I spent that weekend loving the hell out of myself. I told myself everyday how I couldn’t wait to do things with myself that day, how much fun I was and how important I was.  And it felt amazing. Building you up is the only way to defeat the NPD and one day, go fly away into your own happy.

By Chrissy Snow

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